Friday, February 24, 2012

Love The Movies That Remind Me Of When The Papooses Were Little, And We Were All Still A Real Family

Batting Some Thoughts Around

It is a flipping gorgeous day out again today!!!

I'm the only gal in the office today.  I totally forgot the other office gal wouldn't be here today, and brought her breakfast.  I'm such a goof.

Mister Wonderful is really overwhelmed with all of the fall out he's having to deal with for choosing to hook up with The Cunt.  I'm worried about him.  But hey, anyone that makes hurtful selfish choices like he and The Cunt did, has to expect to deal with the consequences.

They will never last. There is no way she is worth all this shit to him.

I am picking Papoose #2 up and taking her to lunch today.  I am beyond excited!!!  Love that kid.  She got a first and a second at her track meet yesterday.  Yeah, my kid is a beast!!!!  So proud of her!!

Papoose #1 and I are having a mommy daughter day out together tomorrow.  We will eat somewhere, bum around at some antique shops etc, and maybe roll in somewhere for pedis.  We always have fun on our adventures, no matter what we do.  So looking forward to it.  We live together right now, but our schedules are so opposite, we go days on end without ever actually seeing each other.

MW made me dinner last night.  He was a super sweet guy all night.  It's so much better for everyone to get along.

I'll be rolling over to the farm to visit my friends and work with the horses.  That is one trip that is way overdue!!!  I miss them so much!!!  Sucks balls living so far away from them now, when I used to be ten minutes away, at the tepee.

MW wants me to drop Gizmo off with him when I go to the farm. He loves that dog.

I need the plugs in my eyes replaced.  Eyes are so damn dry, my contacts are killing me.  Killing me.

I am so thankful that I'm on the other side of all this bullshit that's been going down in my life lately.  The good days are outnumbering the bad days now. Thank God.

The jalopy is in DESPERATE need of an oil change and an alignment.  So bad.

I have to go get some work done now.

Have a fabulous weekend, all.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

The Tepee

Well, I ended up going out and meeting MW and the realtor.

MW was pleasant the entire time.  I was thankful for that.

It kills me to be in the home I worked so hard for, and know I'm losing it, that I'll never live there again.

It kills me to know that MW and The Cunt were together in my home.

It kills me to be there, and it kills me to leave.

I hate feeling this way.

Because of the change in the market today vs back when we bought the tepee, we can only realistically get 33K LESS than we paid for it.

You read that right.  We have lost 33K on our home.

We can't even sell it for what we owe on it.

After all the sacrifice and 100 hour work weeks and sleepless nights and tears and everything else.

How did we get here???  What happened???


Head Games

Papoose #2 is a HUGE Hunger Games fan.  She's been reading the books ravenously since they came out.  I have read the first one and loved it.  There is going to be a fan fest for Hunger Games fans with meet and greet of the cast at the Galleria in Dallas on March 8th.  I will be taking my girl there.  I'm sure it will be a beating, but it will be so worth it.  She was thrilled when I told her about it this morning.  Makes a moms heart happy to bring that kind of joy to a childs voice  :-)

We are also getting a group of people together to go see the opening night of the movie, I think.  That's still developing though.

So, I've been perfectly civil to Mister Wonderful, and he to me, for days now.  Then boom, last night in comes a torrent of shitty negative texts from him, literally out of the blue.  Talking about things all the way back over 20 years ago.

But also reiterating that he does not feel any guilt whatsoever about hooking up with and supposedly falling in love with Molly The Cunt.  Madly in love.  Planning on happily ever after together.

Astounding.  What am I missing here?

I do believe that I only have a half dozen payments or so left on the jalopy.   Good times!!!

The Real Deal wants me to move in with him.  This is something I have dreamed of for years.  I was shocked at my reaction inside, when he actually said it yesterday though.  I was surprised to realize that, with as incredibly bad as I am at being alone, I am not quite ready to give up my own space just yet.  This realization took me off guard.  Never in a million years would I ever expect to feel that way.  I've really got foggy brain going on.  No telling what I'll do next, I don't even know me anymore.

So, for now, I'm keeping my own place.  Besides, Papoose #2 has decided in no uncertain terms that when and if Mister Wonderful brings The Cunt here to live with him, she is NOT living with them.  I can't say as I blame her.  I will always have a place for my Papooses to lay their weary heads.  Always.

How he can think he is in love with that backstabbing piece of shit of a human being is beyond me.  The all consuming attraction of the taboo, I suppose.

MW had scheduled another realtor to meet us at the tepee at 11:30 this morning.  I was game to take lunch early and drive out there for him, until those nasty undeserved texts started rolling in last night.  Now, I figure he can just handle all that on his own.  I've finally come to a point where I am strong enough to refuse being treated badly for no reason.  And there was NO reason for the tirade last night.  I've been nothing but pleasant to him.

I pray for him every day, that his journey ends in happiness inside.  He refuses to admit that he feels any guilt or remorse for anything that has gone on, but he HAS to be dealing with a shit ton of it mentally, whether he admits it or not.  The conscience is an unforgiving beast.  I hurt for him, behaving like he has, and continues to do.

I intend to keep being the good person that I've been working so hard to be.  I get better and better every day, and I refuse to let him make me feel bad about myself ever again.  Hate yourself all you want, brother, but keep that cancer away from me thankyouverymuch.

Oh, and gotta send a shout out to my most unwelcome but ever diligent readers:


Deep breaths.  Just keep being the good person I'm working on being, and everything will be fine in the end.

Today, I choose happiness.

Peace, all.

No Different

One Of My All Time Faves, Called To Mind This Fine Day.....

The Skin Horse had lived longer in the nursery than any of the others. He was so old that his brown coat was bald in patches and showed the seams underneath, and most of the hairs in his tail had been pulled out to string bead necklaces. He was wise, for he had seen a long succession of mechanical toys arrive to boast and swagger, and by-and-by break their mainsprings and pass away, and he knew that they were only toys, and would never turn into anything else. For nursery magic is very strange and wonderful, and only those playthings that are old and wise and experienced like the Skin Horse understand all about it.

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

"I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive.

But the Skin Horse only smiled.

Monday, February 20, 2012

I Was Totally Rocking Out To This On The Way To Work This Morning, Had A Guy In A Caddy Laughing His Ass Off!!!

You Know You Had A Fucking Awesome Weekend When

Every part of your body is so sore you can barely move!!!  Fuck yeah, cuz that's how I ROLL BABY!!!!

What an absolutely fantastic weekend!!!   Nothing in particular happened that would probably seem outstanding to anyone else, but to me, it was greatness!!!

As you all know, The Real Deal and I have had our ups and downs as I have had to navigate all this house, marriage, bestie bullshit.  It's been rough for a long time now.  No matter if Mister Wonderful and I had an agreement about just living together as roommates till Papoose #2 is graduated and moved out, then selling the house, and in the meantime we do what we do and nobody asks is nearly impossible to live in that arrangement and it not be stressful to every person involved.  There is always collateral damage. Whatever, we thought we were doing the right thing, and that's over now anyway.

Anyhow, it has been so hard on TRD, watching me go through all of this and not being able to do anything to help me, knowing that I was up there with my family, cooking dinner and watching movies and having a life, and not with him most of the time, etc.  Add to that that I would often take my anger, resentments, hurt and frustrations out on him during the few hours we actually had together, and that makes for a strained relationship, to say the least.

Well, I'm on the other side of the hurt with Molly and MW, I've moved past the sadness of losing the home I worked so hard for and loved so much, and I live right across the street from TRD.  Saturday morning, what started out working its way into an altercation between TRD and I, which has become habit/the norm, ended with us working through the hurt I've caused him, as well as many other issues that he's not wanted to bring up to me for fear of making things worse or losing me.  He is one of the rare men that will actually talk to you about feelings, fears and solutions to anything that comes up.  He also LISTENS when I talk.  When we were butting heads and just getting more worked up first thing Saturday morning, I was beginning to think that the magic we've always had, from the moment we met, was really finally gone.  I was terrified that too much ugliness had happened, it was too far gone.

I was wrong.  Right in the middle of the mess, his eyes softened and his voice changed and just like that, the Real Deal that I fell in love with was back, and we were ok again.  We worked through so much.  We are truly ok again.  We haven't been for years now.....

I am happy.

Obviously, since I can barely move today.  Heeheeheee.

I'm also giving up cussing.  TRD gently mentioned a couple things that lets me know he'd rather I got back to talking like a lady.  Ahem.

That doesn't count here tho.  Here I will say whatever I want, he knows this is my venting place  :-)

Ironically, although he knows where my blog is and how to find it, The Real Deal doesn't ever read it.  I guess he doesn't feel the need to, and that makes me happy in a way I can't really put my finger on.

I cut about three inches off my hair Saturday night.  There is a little salon across the street and up a little bit from my cottage.  I drive past it every day and think about going in.  Its a little hispanic lady, and that gal works every single day in there.  Long days, way into the evening.  So, on a whim, in the rain on Saturday, I just walked in.  She fit me in and for ten bucks gave me one of the BEST haircuts I've ever had.  She and her sisters and daughters couldn't stop touching my hair and saying how soft it was haha.  She told me, in her broken english, that I was the first blond to ever step into the joint.  I told her I'd be back every six weeks. Sweet sweet gal.  Her grandson acted like I was a bear at the zoo, he was so amazed at a gringa being in his abuelitas salon.  Hahaha.

Speaking of being the only white girl.....stopped at Shell this morning for fuel, and had to go inside because I was paying cash.  I was literally the only caucasion in the place.  It was pretty funny.  Then when I was walking out to fill the car up, two mini vans backed out of the parking spots right in front of the store, and we had us a little mishap.  Yep, neither one would give way, and they backed into each other.  Sucky way to start a Monday, eh?

Hit ZERO traffic on 35 this morning.  It's amazing, the way the traffic patterns run through there.  There are pockets of time, even during the rush hours, where you can just sail along with no slowups whatsoever.  It was one of those mornings.  Just stopping for gas put me in a time line where it was smooth sailing all the way up here.  That's a pretty cool way to start a Monday.

I will be back at Job #2 tonight and tomorrow night for sure.  We have added an attraction that has boomed way faster than we expected, and The Squaw is being called in for back up.  It's astonishing how much I am looking forward to it!!!

Have a great day all.  Love someone today.

Friday, February 17, 2012

After Much Comtemplation.....

Awhile back, I thought that the right thing to do was to shut this blog down.  After all, in trying to make Mister Wonderful fully and completely hate my guts so she could have him, my home and family all to herself, Molly, my most trusted, best and dearest friend since grade school, told him all about my blog and where to find it, so that he could read it and follow it at will.  In my attempt to keep from hurting him, and because of the lack of privacy and openness I felt I could find here anymore, after her betrayal of this place of mine, I had decided that I had no choice but to stop blogging.  Several people commented and sent private messages to me about it, all in support of my NOT letting Molly take this thing, this very important tool and part of me, away.  So I decided to keep at it, work thru it, and to hell  with both of them.  Although every comment and email I received during this time touched my heart and really got to me, there was one in particular that really rammed home how fucking stupid I was being in heaping all of the responsibility for doing "the right thing" on my own shoulders.  Since it was sent in as a comment, I don't know if all of my readers had a chance to see it or not.  I've been mulling this over and over since I received the comment, and read it till I have it memorized.  Hell, I even copied it and sent it directly to Mister Wonderful, to make damn sure he didn't miss it.  I've decided that it really does need a post of its own, so here goes:

I guess this blog hit me because this happened to me. My BF and MW stabbed me in the back over twenty years ago. I got the same abuse MW is handing you now. He blamed me for the affair and BF enjoyed the abuse he heaped on me. I just wanted to tell you this is not your fault. You could have been the biggest nag, the most stubborn, and the most argumentative wife ever and still this is not your fault. He made the decision to make the ultimate betrayal, to pick the most hurtful person he could find with which to have a fling. That he thinks he has the right to destroy your children's family unit based on your behavior is a character flaw on his part not your. I felt embarrassed, hurt, betrayed, and played nice thinking that somehow it would change things back to the way they were. I assure you he's not playing nice back. He has allowed this woman to play the "cool" adult with your children knowing how it must hurt you, he has allowed and encouraged this woman to bag on you in his presence. He is not playing nice; he wants to hurt you. Do not feel embarrassed, this is his shame not yours. Do not feel guilty, there is no wrong you have done to make MW sleep with your BF, he choose to do this rather than work things out like a responsible adult. Do not make the mistake that your ex-BF should be the focus of your anger, she's nothing in the scheme of things really. She will be his next huckleberry when he is done hurting you; she's not gonna be Ms. Romance forever I promise. The real betrayer; the real fault; the real low down dog in all of this is MW and no matter how much he tries to make you think you are the problem. I promise the rest of the world knows who looks bad here and it's not the one justifying the destruction of a family, and an affair with someone's BF. God bless you and keep blogging. I think you are handling this wonderfully!

Thank you, commenter.  Every single time I begin to doubt myself and start loading that blame back up on my shoulders, every single time I read his ugly words he still sends me in texts or other messages and I start to believe him, I go back and read this again, and again, and again, along with the other comments you good people have taken the time out of your busy lives to send.  

Thank you, all of you.  Thank you.

Hi, My Name Is Squaw, And..............................

Bosses just took me out to lunch.  We all had a really nice visit and some great laughs.  I really enjoyed it!! They wouldn't let me pay for my lunch, which was kinda cool too.

Funny quote:  "Ex husbands are like weekly trash...u put it to the curb and there is always some down & out desperate person that scoops it up"  *snicker*

I have started attending a local AA meeting near my new home.  There are many reasons for this, the beer I've been drinking as I navigate this mess of a life being only one of them.  Considering the one thing they DON'T talk about in there is drinking, I've been learning so many different ways of dealing with things in life, and learning a new way of thinking about things that come at me that I have no power over.   It is incredible the coping skills I am learning there.  It is a small group, and they've all been very welcoming and helpful to me.

I have to admit, I nearly had a panic attack the very first meeting I attended.  I had never been to that neighborhood, to that building (my gps took me to the MIDDLE of a Y in two roads, seriously), or to a meeting of any kind like that, so I was petrified of the unknown thing I was walking into, alone.  Then, the second I walk in, I'm bombarded with people that wanted to make me feel welcome, and all they accomplished was to fully engage the "flight" part of the fight or flight instinct.  I'm grateful I had the presence of mind to let the "flight" take me to the potty where I could regain my sense of balance, and walk back out, find a seat, and wait for the meeting to begin.

They are a close knit, small group who have been together for YEARS.  I'm the only newbie there.  So far, I've chosen not to speak, except to take my turn reading an article or whatever else they are studying.  Idk if I will ever want to speak in there.  Right now, I'm just absorbing everything that is going on around me. And thats ok.

I know that I have many things to work on inside of me.  I know that I have many changes and difficulties I will need to get through before this marriage and life change is fully behind me.  I need the direction and purpose of learning something new.  Also, obviously I've not been a very good steward of my own life and behaviors, so I just decided that there HAD to be something out there that might at least distract me from my problems and give me a start at how to change my thinking and begin to learn how to be ok in my own head, in my own skin.

No, I do not have a regular therapist.  I have been ordered, in no uncertain terms, that I am NOT welcome to use "his" insurance for ANYTHING, by Mister Wonderful.  So this has turned out to be a fabulous substitute so far.

In a month or so, I am adding my bootcamp workouts to my new routine.  This will be a good thing as well. Get myself back to the me that feels good, inside and out.

I have important things to do.  I have much to learn, so that I can learn to like myself as a stepping stone to learning to love myself, so that I may NEVER fall into the trap of hating myself so much that I allow myself to be treated with anything other than respect and love ever again.

I've had my fill of the alternative, thankyouverymuch.

So there it is.

Peace, everyone.

Some Days Are Better Than Others

Tomorrow at 10:30a.m. I go up to the tepee to meet with Mister Wonderful and the realtor to do the walk through.  I can't believe all of the back breaking work I put in to save that house, just to lose it in one breath.

Life goes on.

Papoose #2 is spending the night with me tonight.  That will be awesome.  I've missed her.

Plus, that will give MW HOURS on the phone with his true love.  

Everyone together now "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww"

I just threw up a little there.

The Real Deal has been so incredibly supportive through all of this.  He despises both of them for what they've done and continue to do, sighting that the least they could do is agree to the plan we all had to wait till Papoose #2 was off on her own, but hey, there's nobody involved in this whose stomach doesn't turn at the decision Mister Wonderful and Molly made to fuck this whole family up.  They don't care about the collateral damage.  That's on their souls.

It was nice to see the rain this morning.  Especially since it wasn't cold enough for it to be turned into ice on my windshield that needed clearing before I could head to work.

On my way to work, I got a text from Papoose #2 asking for me to go by and get her.  She had decided to miss the bus and eat her bagel in peace.  Haha.  I didn't get her to school on time, but considering how much later I leave my house on days I don't need to swing by the tepee and take her to school, I did damn good getting here there only two minutes late, I think!!!

I am always more willing to share my bacon than I am my potatoes.  Loves me some potatoes, no matter how they are prepared.

As the day goes on, I think of so many things that I want to share here, but by the time I am sitting here staring at the screen, it's all vanished.

I can't wait till my heart and mind are mine again, once all this ugliness and these cancerous people are carved totally out of my life.  Be gone with you, you two will fuck each other up quite nicely, lets just get this whole thing over with already, so you can go your way, and I can go mine.

I'm more blond than normal, with all of this stuff!!!


Gotta go.

Have a good one, all.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

The Day After The Day After Valentines Day

Yeah, I crack myself up  :-)

It's been fabulously crazy around these parts.

We are meeting with a realtor Saturday for a walk through.  We are putting the tepee on the market.

Mister Wonderful has it set in his head that he is madly in love with Molly and will be bringing her back to Texas and getting a place together and living happily ever after with her.

Yeah, good luck with that, MW.  She WILL have another melt down.  Most likely that will happen when you actually expect her to get a job or handle any kind of responsibility like a real adult.

Wish you two the best of luck and every happiness.

No, Papoose #2 will not be living with them, she will be with me.  She despises MW and Molly for what they have done and keep doing out of their own sick selfishness, and will never condone the bullshit.

So, he is choosing Molly over his own daughter.  Nice guy huh?

He refuses to wait till Papoose #2 is graduated, because he says he fears he will lose Molly if he makes her wait at all to be with him.

What he fails to realize is that she is only using him like she does EVERY single guy she can get her hooks into, looking for an easy life and someone to take care of her.  He will learn that lesson in his own time.  I actually feel bad for the mother fucker.

Have at it, lovebirds.

He has his orders from her to divorce me asap and get rid of our tepee asap because she wants a place all her own, one that I have no ties to or access to.  Super sweet huh?  Sounds like they both are starting into a beautiful relationship with all the right trust and respect in place, right??

Yeah, both of them are hiding their relationship from both of their families and all of their friends.  Of course thy are, because they know what disgusting human beings they are for ever starting it, much less continuing it. They intend to wait till he and I are divorced and some time has passed, then announce their TRUE LOVE to the world.  Gag me.  She even made him promise not to tell me that they are in contact and making plans on acting in their 'true love' too.  So guys, ummm, if you are in a relationship that you have to hide from the entire world, uh, doesn't that send up a red flag that maybe it's WRONG?  Just sayin.

Now, bear in mind that MW and I had an agreement.  We were going to live as roommates in the tepee to keep Papoose #2 in her home and school till she graduated.  We knew we were not staying married.  I have no issue whatsoever with him dating anyone in the entire world.  I just think it's stomach turning and disgusting that he hooked up with my supposed best friend.  It's not that he wants someone else, it's that they have so little regard for anyone else, they would commit the ultimate betrayal to me and my family.  Not to mention the fact that she doesn't love him, she sees a meal ticket and the attention she craves and uses sex to get.

Oh well, I will just sit back and watch that whole abortion of a relationship implode.  There is NO WAY he will tolerate all the garbage that she will bring to his life.  I actually tried to warn the fucker, to no avail of course.

I am so blessed to have so many TRUE friends in my life.  They have been aces in supporting me through the grief, pain and shock of my best friend and husband hooking up in my house while I was out working to pay the mortgage on it.  You all have actually gotten me to where I don't feel anger about it anymore, just curiosity to see how it all plays out.

And sadness for MW, because I know that even though his huge ego won't let him believe he is being played by Molly just like every other guy is and has been played by her before, he will end up hurt or worse, legally tied to or responsible for that fucking crazy crack whore.  Live and learn, I guess.

Oh, and she is still in constant contact with the lover she was with when I moved her out here, lying to him and telling him that she's not in contact with ANYONE in Texas and most certainly not MW, and that I made all that up.  Uh, yeah.  I sort of have all the emails and texts between MW and I to support the truth in that you lying bitch.  So, keeping the other boyfriend on the line just in case it doesn't work out with MW....good play you nasty snatch.

Ok, well I'm done here.  I know some of you don't think I should vent here, but that is what this is, a place for me to journal.  If anyone doesn't like what I write, don't read it.  I don't use anyones real full names, I don't give out addresses or anything like that.

Everything I've put on here is true, as God is my witness, so there ya go.

Ok, I vented, you all are up to date somewhat.  There is PLENTY more that's happened and that MW has told me and that Molly has done, that I won't put here, just because it's TOO hurtful to MW or too personal to him.

See what a decent person I am thru all this????

Have a FABULOUS day all, I know I'm going to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Happy Valentines Day!!!!!

I had the most incredible weekend.

Hope you all have a fantastic Valentines Day.

I know it's commercially concocted money making ruse, but really, if it can make someone feel special that needs it, what's the harm?

Have a good one, all.

P.S.  Molly, thanks again for ALLOT of fun this weekend.  I know you weren't there, but baby, you made the magic happen just the same!!!!!!     *MWAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, February 10, 2012

Date Night, So To Speak

I keep opening this new post page, but then everything I wanted to say just doesn't want to come out anymore.

So I think I'll give up on it today.

Going to the house to spend the evening with Mister Wonderful after work.

Papoose #2 has a lock in sleepover at her church tonight, so it will be just he and I.

Hoping to have a nice evening.

We have lots of stuff to go over, and I think we will manage to make a nice evening of it, one way or another.

I know that I am fully in control of my faculties and emotions, and intend to keep it that way.

I miss my house, and am tickled to be in it for a few hours.

I will especially enjoy the fact that none of your things are in it anymore, Molly.  *Big kissy smiley face*

I am leaving behind those that hurt me so badly, and looking forward to the new exciting and happy life I am already building for myself.

Throwing off the bow lines, yes, yes...........

Have a great day all.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

"Forgiveness is not the misguided act of condoning irresponsible, hurtful behavior. Nor is it a superficial turning of the other cheek that leaves us feeling victimized and martyred. Rather it is the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past."

Damn Good Call, Anony....Haven't Heard This One In Some Time

Keep Feeding The Good Wolf

Back At It

Yes, I guess I did have a brain fart yesterday, thinking I should give up yet another thing over concern for other people over myself.

Sorry.  You all know I'm a dumb ass sometimes.

Hi FA, notice you've been stalking the blog.  Enjoy.

I've purchased three new car chargers for my phone in the last month.  Day before yesterday all of the guts of the cigarette lighter in the jalopy shot out of the little hole and scared the living shit out of Papoose #2 and I.  Once we were done laughing hysterically at our reaction to it, we looked at each other and said "well, I guess we know it wasn't the chargers now!!!"

Now what the hell do I do?  The jalopy only has the one lighter outlet.  How the heck do I charge my phone in the car now guys?? Anyone?? Anyone???   I spend way too much time driving to be able to only charge the phone at home.

I mean, who the FUCK does something like that happen to???  Hahahahahahahaa!!!!

I had a semi tail gate me all the way up 35 and 287 this morning.  I was going the speed limit.  He would change lanes whenever I did, just to ride my ass.  It was very Stephen King.

The moon has been absolutely stunning the last few nights.  The sunrise this morning was killer.

Man, my boss is in a good mood today.

Both of the big bosses here bought brand new trucks this week.  The jalopy is looking pretty sad out there right about now, everyones cars are brand new but mine!!  I guess I better take my lazy ass and wash it, at the very least.  Snicker.

People can tell you a million times the right thing to feel, from the outside looking in, with the best of intentions, but it takes some kind of 'click', a turning point, a shift of heart and mind, before you can truly be ok.  You have to really feel it before you can move on.  No matter how hard I've been trying to be strong and just shake off all the hurt and misery and heart ache I've been subjected to, I was not successful.

Last night there was a shift.  A true shift.  I'm trying so hard to move forward and be a stronger and better person.

I'm also trying so hard to give myself a break and not beat myself up like I've always done.

I know there will be good days, and there will be tough days, but I sincerely realize just how much support I have with my friends, my Papooses, The Real Deal, and I know I will be ok.

Gotta stay focused on feeding the Good Wolf.


You Know What???

You all are so right.  Fuck Mister Wonderfuls feelings.  If he doesn't like what I have to say, he can stay the fuck off of my blog.

Not gonna let him take this from me.

Thank you, all of you, for pointing out what a doormat I was being.

Old habits, and all.

Hell yeah.

Therapy session is back on.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

This Will Be My Last Post

As you all know, my ex best friend who stabbed me in the back by doing everything in her power to turn my family against me, in her urgency to steal my husband, daughter, and house, told Mister Wonderful about my blog.

Although Mister Wonderful continues to think I'm the worst most awful person in the world, lacking integrity and all other decent human characteristics, I am in fact NOT an awful person.

Because of that, I cannot continue this blog with an open heart to vent and whatever else I need to do, because I am so afraid that in doing so, he will read something that hurts or upsets him, and that is a place I am unwilling to go anymore.

I don't want to fight with him or hurt him.  I just want him to stop hurting me, so we can move on and begin our new lives divorced from each other.

I will miss this.  It is a breakfast table of friends that have helped me cope with a lot of heartache, and shared joys with me.  I will miss this.

But, in the end, I cannot intentionally hurt someone I've loved for so long and made a life and family with.

And so, I bid you all adieu.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

So Many Broken Hearts

The Patriots played for shit on Sunday.  They earned every bit of that loss.  Oh well, there's always next year, right Cowboy fans????

Things are rolling along in the new tepee.  I get really lonely there sometimes.  I miss the days when my family was together, back when the kids would have friends over and I listened to them laugh.

New chapters.

Mister Wonderful and I are doing our best to be civil.  Even though I wasn't very nice to him on the phone last night.  I let some stuff get to me and sorta lost it on the poor guy.  I fucking hate myself when I do dumb shit like that.

I have hopes that we can keep the friendship part of our relationship intact.  It really would be the best for everyone involved.  We are actually really good at being friends.  We just suck balls at being married.

Really don't have much today.

Nothing that needs sharing, anyhow.

Have a good day, all.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Oh Yeah, Baby......Patriots Gonna Bring It!!!!!

Figured out a new way to get from my little cottage up to Boyd this morning.  Was at least 15 minutes faster, and I avoided all of the stop and go frustration I was having before.  Score!!

Each morning I leave my cottage and drive to my Boyd house to pick Papoose #2 up and drop her off at school before coming in to work.  At least I get to see her for a few minutes each day, doing that.

She gets very guarded whenever I ask her how her dad is doing.  I don't know why.  I've never done the digging into his personal life and trying to find out his activities by prodding the kids thing.  He has done that to them about what I am up to, but I have never ever done that to them, so I don't know why she gets like that. I truly worry about him and want him to be happy and ok, and since I have no communication with him and am leaving him completely alone to work through things, I just ask her if he is ok to check in on him.  Oh well.

I'm having my own little super bowl party.  This will be the first time in over 20 years that I've not put together a football watching party for Mister Wonderful and my family and our friends.  Things have definitely changed.  Bittersweet.

Many people in my family raced dirt bikes when I was a kid.  We also went dirt bike riding in the hills of California all the time as a family/friends group.  My dad started me on a little 60 and I worked my way up.  By the time I was a teenager, I started riding street bikes.  I had a couple favorites over the years.  I really miss doing that.  All of my friends and I would literally open a map and pop our finger down somewhere then ride there on the weekend.  We had such fun and met so many great people.  Those were good times that I've not really thought of in so long.  I don't have any photos loaded on my computer from those days yet, but here are a couple of the bikes I owned.  These are not my actual bikes, but mine looked exactly like them, same year model, paint and everything.  Except that once I had the red and white Hurricane for awhile, I took it to my dads and we painted it a gorgeous black cherry color, rims and all.

Ok, I'm starving and need to get something to eat.

Have a fabulous weekend, all, and remember:

GO PATRIOTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Damaged, But Limping Forward Nonetheless

I have friends that constantly amaze me, confuse me and make me smile.  You all are a bunch of nuts!!!

This weather is gorgeous.  I would surely love a good thunder and lightening storm that I can actually be home and enjoy.  Want to sit on my porch and watch it roar.

Boys, you're gonna have to amp up the fun and frolic if you realllllly want me to make a decision  ;-)


The automatic air freshener squirty thing still scares the shit out of me every time it goes off and I'm anywhere in my little cottage.  I don't have tv or a radio or anything, so when I'm home it is incredibly quiet.  Well, until I start talking to myself anyway.......

Had to go with Papoose #1 to get her car out of impound last night after work.  Had to be either one of the legal owners, or someone that's on the insurance account.  She is neither.  That was an interesting experience. Then the gps took us the lonnnnnnnnnnng way, as in, cave dark roads that rolled and cracked under huge tree roots, hairpin turns and traffic that didn't think they had their own side.  About 40 minutes later we arrived at the impound yard.  After I took care of business, I drove out and turned the opposite direction of the way we came in, and I was home in 7 minutes flat.  Yeah, my internal compass was correct all along.  Stupid gps wench.

I need a haircut in the worst possible way.  Ugh.  Homeless woman bad.

Mister Wonderful texted me last night asking if Papoose #2 was with me.  I said no she is not.  Some time later he figured out that it was church night and she had gone to church with a friend.  I am hoping that she will communicate more affectively with him in the future and ASK before taking off somewhere.  But that is their thing to figure out.  That did NOT happen with me.  Every morning the Pooses and I would have a pow wow about who had to be where and who needed rides and what the game plan for the day was.  Worked for us.

MW also texted me this morning that there was some steak and bread in the fridge at the house if I wanted to take it for lunch.  I thought that was really sweet.

If nobody hears from me after say one o'clock today, call the authorities.


MW is really fixing the house up cute since I've been kicked off the island.  I wish we would have done more of that while I was still there.

Had a fantastic talk with Papoose #1 about all of the things that have gone down over the past few months. She owned her part in it and apologized.  I was touched by how she really listened to me, and by how she responded.  I just wish that Papoose #1 and Mister Wonderful could truly see how unfair and undeserved all of it was.  Oh well.  It is what it is.

I am still not a trusting person anymore.  It is what it is. I am damaged.  The people I trusted the most are the ones that turned on me and damaged me.  It will take forever to heal that.

But I understand that, and have stopped beating myself up for feeling that way.

I am so blessed to have people that care about me.  Their prayers and support are the only thing bringing the peace I am finding, I'm convinced of it.

Thank you.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Molly, You Are A Fucking Cunt In The Worst Way Ever

Wow, so not only did The Cunt do all the things we already know she did to intentionally destroy my family and my relationship, then I find out that she let Papoose #2 drive illegally in the city and on the highways, sometimes with other kids in the car (Papoose #2 doesn't even have a learners permit) but now today I find out that after Papoose #1 and I had our great blowup over the hookah incident, The Cunt not only snuck out and took all of Papoose #1's things to her that she left at the house, they went to lunch  and The Cunt bought my 19 year old daughter several margaritas with extra shots of Patron in them and got her wasted.

And still Mister Wonderful thinks that The Cunt was perfect and that I am the most awful fucked up piece of shit woman on earth.




Joy Comes Seeping In Again

The first thing I felt inside when I opened my eyes this morning was joy.  I almost didn't recognize the sensation.  It felt good and made me smile.  I snuggled down there for another fifteen minutes, just enjoying not needing to cry.  It was good.

So, I have not had enough blankets for my bed.  I stopped by a thrift store yesterday to see what I might be able to find.  I found a king bed spread with two matching shams not only in the colors I'm doing my bedroom in, but in the same cottage type style that I've somehow decorated my little place in!!  Ten bucks later, I was off to wash em and get em ready for purties!!!  I also found a mis-marked down comforter.  Queen size, brand spankin new, marked at $1.99.  Yep, you read that right, a buck ninety nine for a queen size down comforter with the prettiest baffle pattern I've ever seen.  Tags on people.  Yes.  Needless to say, I have a fluffy cozy nest to retreat to at night now.  Bliss.

I do need to find a duvet for it.

I spent the evening once I got home just tinkering around and trying to get things organized and put away.  It is a challenge to figure out where to put things and find space.  I have definitely down sized!!

Another super find yesterday occurred when I stopped in the Dollar General (yes, I use 'the' in front of DG and anywhere else it seems you should add a little twang to) to pick up a gallon of vinegar for my laundry, cruised down the clearance isle and found EVERYTHING I've been needing/looking for for my spare bathroom.  I got the most gorgeous satin type shower curtain in these delicate little purple/lavender/silver stripes, the heavy duty plastic liner, the hooks, two bath towels, three wash rags, two rugs and didn't spend over $15.00 on the whole purchase.  And that included the vinegar and some chews I picked up for Gizmo.  I know the stuff isn't quality, but you would never know to look at that adorable restroom  :-).  I had a cute diffuser style air freshener in purples already, a pretty glass bowl in purples pinks and silvers and a couple other candle type things that matched the haul, so that potty is all girlied up and gorgeous.

Also stopped in a little local taqueria I've been wanting to try out.  Spent 15 minutes or more just chatting with the owner and his teenage son.  Super nice people.  Bought some tamales to have in the freezer.  I really enjoyed visiting with them.  I'll definitely go visit again and let them feed me.  The man is a beast cook.

I think I am learning how to be by myself and actually enjoy it and be ok with it.  That makes my heart a bit lighter.

I also bought one of those Glade automatic squirty air freshener contraptions on the Christmas clearance isle a couple of weeks ago.  Those things are like ten bucks, but since it had Christmas Cinnamon air freshener in it, I got it for a buck fifty.  The exterior is just the plain white and you can use any brand of refill in it once the cinnamon one is gone, so who gives a care??  I've put off buying one because they're so expensive, so SCORE.

Of course, every time the dang thing goes off I jump out of my skin, then have to giggle at myself.

The cowardly lion, that's me.

I also pulled out a gym bag and started putting together all the things I'll need to start working out again tomorrow.  The class actually started yesterday, but my upper back is still way too sore from wrenching it at the stock show this weekend to mess around and make it worse with push ups, etc., so I chose to wait till tomorrow to give it a little more time to heal first.  I'm dreading the start of working out, hitting it hard and killing myself, but SO looking forward to how I get to feeling once I'm in the groove of it.

My booty will thank me, too.

Papoose #1 had a rough life lesson Monday.  She called me in tears, telling me her car had been towed.  She parked in the parking lot of the apartments across the street from her apartment, instead of finding an open spot in her complex that might have been further away.  We are going to get her car out of impound after work today.  I believe the fee will hover just over $300.00.   Yeah.  Tough life lesson for the poor thing.  Thank God The Real Deal has the money to loan her.  I honestly don't know what she would have done otherwise.

That man is a good good person.

Day three of not hearing from Mister Wonderful as he sorts through his thoughts, feelings and plans for the future.  I'm waiting to hear how he wants to handle everything.  I'm giving him his space and letting him work through it all in whatever way he needs to.

I think I shall make it through the day not only NOT crying, but smiling a whole lot.

The radio played nothing but killer good music all the way in to work today.

I do believe I made it through an entire post without cussing.

You're welcome.