People Suck

Nobody at my old house even notices I'm gone.

I haven't heard a word from Papoose #2, except for a text on Saturday asking if she was scheduled to work Sunday, because she and some friends wanted to hang out.

It is a strange feeling, knowing you aren't even a blip on your own kids radar.

I haven't heard much from Bestie at all really, since she's moved here.  We talked way more when she was still in California.  Not at all how I thought it would be.

Oh well, I'm super happy that everyone is comfortable and happy in the home I gave them.  They are a happy little family up there I guess.

I wouldn't know, since none of them notice I'm gone or even give a flying fuck to talk to me at all.

Funny thing is, I was being treated like I didn't belong there before I ever moved out.

That treatment, plus everyone bailing on bothering to pony up their share of the rent, was the catalyst for my moving out "all of a sudden out of the blue".

Hey guys, IT WASN'T OUT OF THE BLUE.

I was working my ass off a hundred hours a fucking week, while everyone else sat on their asses in the home I was busting my ass to pay for, and when I was at home, more than once, I was treated less than friendly.  I don't know why.  But between  that, and listening to Mister Wonderful spout off about how perfect Bestie is and why couldn't I be more like her, then everyone bailing on me about the rent, uh yeah, my moving out was anything but out of the blue.

Nobody should be treated like they are the enemy, or unwelcome in their own home.  Nobody should have to be everyones nemesis simply because those people need to have a nemesis in their lives.

I was not willing to be that for anyone anymore.

Really bothers me that it seems like now that I don't have anything to offer any of those people, by money or moving them or anything like that, it is as if I don't even exist.  It hurts my feelings and pisses me off all at the same time.

Bestie is just sort of living the life I built, I never hear from her.  She has my house, my dog, my kid, my parking spot, my husband and my life.  But for some reason it is like she has no interest in our friendship anymore.   She mentioned something last week about how she didn't sign up for this when she moved out here.  But you know what?  She needed to get away from her mother, from that cancerous life, and I sure as fuck didn't see anyone else making an effort to help her.  One way or another, she needed to get out and start living her own life, like a grown up.  I know she appreciates me moving her out here, but I also know she's peeved at me for changing up the plan and moving out of the house.  But really, it's not like it should matter if I moved out or not, she hasn't really been all that into spending time with me since she's been here anyway.  Idk, it's like on the one hand I feel like I should feel bad, but on the other hand, she got a pretty good deal out of the whole thing, and doesn't really seem to give a shit if I'm around or not.  Besides, she wasn't going to be here long anyway.  She was already wanting to move and be with her boyfriend that just moved to Oregon, but he told her he wasn't ready for her to be up there yet.  Something about needing to get settled in first or something.  Then her brother and dad want her to move to Arizona too.  So it's not like I destroyed her life by ending my marriage and moving out, so idk.  I sure do miss the friendship we used to have though.  But I'll be damned if I'll be treated like I've done something wrong by anyone.  The way I was made to feel uncomfortable in my own home was one of the reasons I bailed, after all.  Yeez.

Papoose #2 not giving a fuck to even call or text or TRY to come see my new place really bothers me.  Again, she is perfectly happy.  She has Bestie to be her mommy and everyone is all happy fucking skippy together up there in my old house.  How the fuck can people be like that??  I could never just cut someone out of my life and not spare a thought towards them.

What is wrong with me that these people could care less if I am around or not?

Then when I say something about it, because it hurts me, then I'M the bitch and everyone gets mad at me.

Funny thing is, I talk to and hear from Mister Wonderful more than I do my supposed best friend or daughter.  Thats pretty fucked up.

Oh well.  Whatever.

Laughing My Fucking Ass Off

I know you aren't supposed to give pets as gifts, but Jar, this is what I'm picking up for you after work today!!!!

It Is An Absolutely Fanfreakingtastic Day, Isn't It?????

Slept like the dead last night.  Actually rolled out on time this morning and made it to work on time though, haha.

I get to actually sleep in my own place tonight finally, yay!!  Some friends are meeting me at the Boyd house after work today to load up my mattress, dresser and desk.  Finally, I can sleep at my place!!  This old body is too broke in to sleep in the floor like I would have years ago, so I've been crashing at TRD's place till my bed arrives.

I am going to have one chair in the living room.  That is all I need :)  I have a lady who wants to sell me her gorgeous sofa/loveseat set for only $50.00, more than a fabulous deal, but I'm terrified to spend the money on it......

The little long haired chihuahua I've been pupsitting for the past month or more may get to stay with me permanently.....his momma may be moving back home.......I would totally be ok with that.  He is good company!!

Labpup Milo has gone to live with my dear friends.  The same peeps who are helping me move my bed tonight.  That dog scored big time, to get to live there.  I sure miss him though.

I really really want plants to put all over my place.  I used to always have house plants but over the past years that I'm never home, they all were put outside and froze or roasted or got knocked over or good Lord knows what else.  I really need to get some collected again.  I miss that!

All of this stress and change has me so exhausted. I can't wait to just rest tomorrow morning.  Not have to jump out of bed asap if I don't want to.  I'm really needing that.  Nothing but me, my bed, a book and a coffee cup!!

Have to get to work now.

Have a FABULOUS weekend, all!!!!!

Shadows of Me

I woke up this morning to The Real Deal touching my hair and telling me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me, and that he is going to make sure that I am safe and happy and ok for the rest of my life.  Then he went and made me coffee.

I also woke up to sunlight.  This is not a good thing.  Yes, I was late to work.  Only 30 minutes though, and it was SO WORTH IT.

I have forgotten to turn my alarm on three times in the last few months.  Before this, I had only ever overslept like twice in my entire life.  Gotta get my A game back.

Man, it felt so good under those covers this morning.

I have never felt this light in my chest, never in my whole entire life.  It's like there is sunshine inside of me trying to pour out.  Fucking awesome!

Jar, your comment made me choke on my coffee this morning.  You are one funny fucker.

TRD, Bestie and I moved a bunch of my stuff to my new place last night.  Once we got past the initial walking around the house with our hands on our hips wondering where to start, we were an awesome moving team.

I had already decided that I was going to take as little from the house as possible.  I didn't want to disrupt Mister Wonderfuls world or life any more than I already had.  I wanted my cooking stuff, my keepsakes, the decorations that I've bought here and there over the years.  Well, even though I didn't touch anything that belonged to MW, or anything that he holds dear, and even though I left the things that I know he uses or needs, like the pizza pans and coffee maker etc, the house still looked like it had been raped.  It was incredibly sad, that I could make that place look so pillaged, even though I was trying so fucking hard to be fair and kind and good and leave everything I could there for him, taking only the most bare essentials with me.

I was in tears all night, feeling guilty and wretched over how it would make MW feel to walk in and see the empty spots my leaving had caused in our home.  There was a lot more of me in that house than any of us realized, I suppose.  It was a sobering and, I must admit, reaffirming feeling all at once.

I knew the moment MW got home, because I got three text messages in a row.  They read:

1.   You forgot the coffee maker
2.   And two spoons in Papoose #2's room
3.   And your pocket rocket

Yeah, he was livid with me.  He acted like I took everything when, in reality, I didn't touch any of the things that he has shown to be important to him all these years.

I guess I contributed more to his life than he realized all this time.  I guess that is becoming clear.  I guess he should have thought of that and behaved accordingly a long time ago.

I know he will vilify me, no matter how hard I try to be good and fair.  I know he will need to.  Because I think he will really be angry at himself, now that he is beginning to realize that maybe he really had something good.  Something worth holding on to.

But the time for that has passed.

I'm letting the sunshine in.

It's All Coming Together

That's my new front door.  I picked that wreath up on the dollar clearance table at the feed store. It makes me smile.  I grabbed one of the few actual wire hangers I have and made an impromptu wreath hanger.

It only cost me $41.00 to have the water turned on yesterday, so since I had $62.00 in my bank account, I actually had enough to get it rolling.  That includes my trash service, recycling, sewer, all the regular city services.  Trash is collected twice a week, and they will pick up any amount of anything you could possibly want to put out there.  No restrictions.  Where was that service when I was raising little kids and we seemed to be making loads of trash etc??  Ah well, surely will be nice.

The Real Deal made some phone calls and got my electricity turned on for me without a deposit.  That was quite a treat, considering my credit.  It's been years since I've been able to have services turned on without hundreds of dollars in deposits first.  TRD kinda rocks.

Both my water and electricity will be on by the time I get out of Job #1 and go home.

Happy happy Squaw.

I stayed at TRD's house last night after we got out of Job #2.  I was a nervous wreck that my phone wouldn't wake me up on time, or that I would hit so much traffic I would be late to Job #1 this morning.  I have never made that commute in the morning, so I had myself all worked up about being late.  I got up at 6, left the house at 655, and arrived at work by 730, a half hour early.

Booyahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

TRD also got on the traffic thingie and checked how traffic was looking for my commute while I was getting ready for work.  Yeah, you know he rocks  :-)  The most thoughtful man.  I'm so lucky to have him in my life, showing me how things CAN be.

Someone keeps getting in my desk and on my computer when I'm not here.  I know it's not "my" office, per se, but it still chaps my ass that they get in here and go through my things.  This morning there was an "L" written on my timecard for this week on Monday, because I had forgotten to put my lunch break on there. So I made out a new timecard and put a post it on there that reads "Thank you so much to whoever keeps getting in my desk and checking the accuracy of my time card!!!  You Rock!!!!  Without you, it may have been a day or two before I realized I needed to add that lunch in there!!!!  Because I'm all about stealing time from the company and all that.  Whatever!!  Fucking fucktards.

This whole skeezy sneak around and try to catch the employees fucking the company thing is getting really old, really fast though.  I mean really.  If you don't trust me anymore than to feel the need to go through my desk drawers and get all up in my computer, then fucking fire me assholes.  Don't skulk around like that.  It's fucking creepy.

Well, Mister Wonderful, Bestie and even Papoose #2 must be perfectly happy in the house I bought for them.  I never hear a single peep from anyone anymore unless I initiate contact.  It's like they don't notice or care that I'm gone.  Happy little world there.  I'm glad for them all.  :-)

Makes me wonder why the hell I suffered and tried so hard for so long, if nobody gives a flying fuck if I'm around or not anyway though.

*Back of hand against forehead in mock distress*  The realization of just how unimportant I am when everyone still has all the comforts I've provided for them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I do believe that, given the opportunity, I will end up being quite the minimalist in my new home.  It's looking that way anyhow.  I want clean.  I want open. I want no clutter.  Ahhhhhhh.......

I have been dog sitting a long hair chihuahua for several weeks now.  He was supposed to go home the 6th. It is looking like I may have the opportunity to keep him though, as the person I've been watching him for is most likely moving back east and back in with family.

This is a good thing.  He is great company, and no trouble at all.

Furface therapy.

Heehee.

Using The Cell Phone Flashlight To Dress By Kinda Rocks

Well, here it is, a new year and a new start.

I already don't have the money to have my electricity turned on.  Hahahaha.

It will be fine though, I know this.  I have to leave early today from Job #1 to meet the landlord at my new place to sign the actual lease.  Considering the other office chick is out today, that should really piss off the Bossman.  Oh well, can't be helped.

While I'm down there, the landlord says, I should jump over to the next block to City Hall and get my water all turned on etc.  That would really be a ducky idea, if I had the money today.  Heehee.  I think my paycheck will be in my bank account tonight at midnight, so my timing is just off a bit.  No biggie.  It'll all come together.  I'm not worried about it at all.

Does kinda go up my ass sideways that I have $100.00 a week coming out of my paycheck to pay back the Bossman for the loan he gave me to get the repayment thing going on the house I no longer live in.  That sucks major balls.  Four hundred bucks a month that could go to groceries and gas and electric.  Gone, poof. I'm a dumbass for trying so hard to keep that house for people that never appreciated the effort.  Serves me right to pay that loan back for the next year I guess.  Punishment for being such a dumbass doormat.

On a positive note though..........................I no longer feel like I need therapy  :-)

I'm a happy camper.  Happy Squaw  :-)

The insurance on the jalopy will go up $20.00 a month being on my own and losing the multi car discount. Anyone want to guess if I give a shit??????????  Anyone?????  Haha.

I can't tell you what it means to me, and how deeply it touches me, to know that there are people out there who read this blog and care about what is going on in my crazy mixed up life.  Every time someone takes time out of their life to send me an email or comment, it makes me feel that much stronger about moving on and moving forward.

Thank you, all of you.

I Just Let Go

The above image was totally and unashamedly stolen from Kathleen.  But it is SO perfect for me right now, I could not resist.

I've done it.

I told Mister Wonderful I cannot do this anymore, that I want a divorce, and I'm moving out and getting my own place.

I already rented a place.

It's adorable.

It is the very first place I have ever had in my entire life that is all mine.  I went from taking care of my mother and paying for her place while living there straight to living with Mister Wonderful and raising kids.

He called me Thursday last week and started screaming and cussing at me, calling me names, in other words, the same exact thing that happens every single month when I have to ASK him for his whopping $600.00 towards the $2505.00 a month mortgage I'm paying on the house, and right in the middle of his tirade, everything just went still inside of me.

And I.Was.Done.

Not staying for another two years to get Papoose #2 graduated.

Not taking horrific treatment just to keep my home.

No more.

I'm out.


***Edit:  The Papooses are totally on board and supportive of this change.  Papoose #2 will still be able to finish out the year here in Boyd, because I still work up here five days a week.  She is excited to change schools next year, she has been begging me to be able to attend a school that offers a little more than the small ones here.

Didn't want anyone to think I was abandoning my Papooses!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, and the little place I rented is right across the street from Papoose #1's digs.  How awesome is that?????