Peace

I cannot believe how unbelievably incredibly indescribably happy I am in my life now.  I find myself wondering why I didn't let go and make these changes sooner, but then I realize that it had to happen in it's own time, or it wouldn't be as perfect as it all is now.

The life I am living for ME has begun.  It's started.  I'm so stoked.  Every day I wake up in my own dream life.  I still pinch myself.  I can't believe, after all the heartache, trials and suffering, this wonderful life is mine, every day, every night, every minute.  I am so blessed.

Molly The Cunt contacted Mister Wonderful, trying to get him to hook up with her again.  Uh, girlfriend??? Figure it out, even MW has better taste, once he spent a little 'quality one on one' time with you.  Move on. Jesus.  If you don't want to be treated like a cheap tramp, stop behaving and living like one.  Little word of advice.  Yeah, of COURSE he told you to go pump sand.  You were nothing but a fucking cancer to this whole family, worthless bitch.  He can do so much better than you, get over it.  Anyone that lives a life where they have to change their cell number on a regular basis because they fuck so many people over and piss so many people off really needs to reevaluate their life and person.  Psycho slut.

I've moved in with The Real Deal.  It's fabulous.  Of course, moving AGAIN is no fun, but at least it's just across the street this time, hehe.  It's funny to watch his VERY bachelor pad becoming a home.  We're getting there.  Each day he walks around, checking out the changes and additions, throwing out compliments and sometimes questions like "damn, so that's what that's for??"  haha.  Silly man.

I'm going to miss my cottage, because everything was brand new in it, from the fixtures to the blinds to the carpet to the appliances.....and this is not the case at TRD's house, but who cares, it's nothing but a thing.

Papoose #1 sold her car.  Without having another one to replace it.  Yeah, call it a life lesson.  This could get very interesting.  ***Edit:  Totally forgot to add that Mister Wonderful is trying to talk her into getting a PT CRUISER!!!!  I nearly died laughing when she told me that.  Of all the cars.......

Papoose #2 went with our friends to a horse show this weekend, and showed my horse, rather than her own. Let's just say, my horse is a different caliber than hers haha.  They did fantastic and had a blast.  I wish I could have been there, but had so much to do and had to work a couple stores off and on as well, since we're a bit short staffed right now, with all the expansion we're involved in.  There is always the next show. Plus, we are all taking our own horses to a weekend long clinic this weekend that is sure to be an absolute blast!!!!

Hey commenters?????  I hope you have fun with all your nasty comments.  Sucks to be so jealous of someone that you have to lash out like that, huh?  Feel so sorry for you and how pathetic your lives must be. Poor poor things.  Bless your hearts.

The jalopy is nearly paid off.  Pretty soon I will be able to get serious about getting it all fixed up.  Super excited about that!!!!!!!!  I don't want a new car.  I love my jalopy and have yet to find one that I like the looks of more than this one.  It's going to be a freaking blast getting it all fixed up.  Eeeeeeeeee!!!!

I can't believe how much weight I've lost through this whole adventure.  First, it started falling off because I was so stressed out and upset I wasn't eating.  Then I stopped drinking beer for good too.  Now I think it's still falling off because I'm so calm and content and NOT stressed out.  Starting my training again around the beginning of May.  I'm taking April to start running again and working out on my own.  The trainer I'm going to starts out so hot and heavy, no intro, that I don't dare start in there till I'm at least back to running a couple miles and a little strength training under my belt.  I've let myself get so out of shape!!!!

I hate eating breakfast.  I mean, I LOVE breakfast, but hate eating any time before 10am.  Just loathe it, and have to force myself to eat my oatmeal or whatever every single day when I'm working out and shaping up. You just can't do it if you skip that in the morning, and it HAS to be before 9am, so I have to totally choke it down.  Blerg.  Ick.  Hate eating early on in the day, and always will.  Meh.

Ok, I've bored you all enough.  Have a great day everyone.

Hell Yeah

No, Anony from Friday, I will not be posting your ugly comments.  But only for the mere reason that you are WRONG and have no idea what you are talking about.  So go fuck yourself.

***Edit:  Oh, and yeah, Anony????  Remember how we can see who visits our blog??? Well, um, yeah, we can also see where you are commenting from, you stupid pig.  SANTA CRUZ CALIFORNIA, HELLLOOOOOOOOOOOOO  CUNTVILLE!!  And all your fucked up family and friends that support you in your fucked up using way of life, too!!!!!  HAHAHAHAHA

Can see you other Anonys too, silly gooses.

My Coin Toss

When you are struggling to make a tough or confusing decision, toss a coin in the air.  It's not that the coin will make the decision for you, it's that, in the second that the coin is in the air, you will know without a doubt which side you want it to land on, what it is that you want most in your heart.

There are many different variances on the above quote, but that is mine.  I don't know why it's been so hard for me to just do what makes me feel good in this life.  I've always put others wants, needs and happiness before my own, by my own choice.  I thought that was what I was supposed to do.  Besides, I've always had something sad inside of me, something that made me believe I was damaged in some intrinsic way, and that I was actually incapable of feeling true happiness.  Not a pity party type of feeling, it was always just.....there. So I lived my life the way I thought I was "supposed" to live it, for 43 years.

I have never been happy with myself as a person.  Never.  Not for one minute.  I've spent my whole life searching and struggling, trying to figure out why I couldn't just be the better, nicer, more giving, happier, just honestly better person inside.  I tried everything I could think of to make myself feel "normal" inside.  But I still was always lacking something inside.  I was still always disappointed and disgusted with the person I really was.

I've tried people, hobbies, activities, research and reading self help books, religion, risky behavior, thrill seeking, positive self talk, making promises to myself that I would just "be better".....but none of that ever helped.  All the self talk and just deciding to be a better person, no matter how I went about it or how dedicated I was, none of it REALLY worked inside.  Inside I was still, me.

People around me have suffered because of my feelings about myself.  I've either treated them too good and spoiled them to reality in ways, or I've taken my disappointment and frustration with myself out on them.  Everyone close to me has paid the price for my inadequacies and unhappiness.  Mister Wonderful, both of my dear sweet Papooses, The Real Deal, my mother when she was alive, friends.......which of course in turn made me hate myself all the more.

I was just so confused and befuddled.  How the fuck does a person live like that for 43 years without figuring out SOME way to fix themselves???  I honestly don't know, but I did it.

You all know the dark times, pain and struggle I have gone through over the last several months, nay years.

There was one point, during the whole Mister Wonderful/The Cunt fiasco where I truly thought I was at the absolute worst of the worst in my life, the deepest abyss imaginable.

I was wrong.

Something happened this past weekend that shook me to the core of my very being, and made any thought of the future literally draw nothing but a blank black wall, no matter how I tried to get around it and force my thoughts through to find a different path.

The hours that passed while my coin was in the air were the most terrifying of my life.  During that time, I truly and without a doubt knew, just KNEW in my heart and soul which side I wanted the coin to land on.  And everything went quiet inside.

I take this particular event as a blessing.   As shocking and painful and unbelievable as it was, it was a blessing.  It was the wake up call that I evidently needed to get my mind right and finally make crystal clear what my priorities are and what I truly want in life.  It was the sharpest blow that could have ever happened, and it was a blessing.

My mind is clear.  My heart is clear and honest.  I am more serene, honestly serene and content inside my skin, than I have ever been in my life.  It's not a phase, I truly am a different person inside.  It is an absolute miracle.

I never thought I would be capable or deserving of feeling this inner peace, this happiness with self and contentment with where I am in life and where I'm going.  I had no idea I was capable.

So this is how it feels to be happy, truly happy, within oneself.

All the unease, pain, insecurity, frustration, confusion, guilt, yearning and self loathing that I've lived with for as long as I can remember is just..............gone.  This earth shattering thing that happened was the slap in the face, the lesson in humility, heart wrenching reality of losing what you just now realized is, without any shred of a doubt, the most important thing that has ever been in your life......this, this wicked painful awful thing, is what I needed, after all, to grow up, for everything to just, balance.

A calm sea.  A soft tongue and gentle heart.  A smiling face.  A content and happy mind at night when I lay my head on the pillow.  A crystal clear vision of what I really want out of the future.  The absolute undeniable knowledge of what I want more than anything in the world, what is most important to me.  Patience and empathy for everyone around me.  Patience and love for myself.  These are the things that the horrible thing brought to me.  So it was a blessing.

I am no longer The Angry Squaw.  That person has finally given in to the better person that has always been inside of me.  The one that I just had no clue how to bring out on my own, so I trod hard on life, fighting everything every step of the way, not knowing what I wanted or how to get it.

Anyhow, all this rambling is just a fuzzy attempt at explaining the things that have come out of my dark place, my dark places and times.

I am happy.  I like me.  And that, my friends, is all that matters to me anymore.

Have a wonderful weekend all.

Thanks for reading my words all these months.

Phone Brought Back Into Custody

Damn thing made a good run for it, but didn't quite get away from me.   Remember I forgot I had put my phone on top of the jalopy while I pulled stray dogs out of there?  Phone was missing all day Wednesday, then after I picked Papoose #2 up from the trainers that night, we went and walked the highway where come to find out, Papoose #2 "thought she saw something fly off the car" but failed to mention it at the time  :-/  and low and behold, we found the bastard!!!  The battery had been nearly dead even the night before, but it hung on long enough to light the screen up when Papoose #2 called it. Ringer was off but it lit up where she spotted it in the long grass on the side of the highway.  The cheapo hand me down cover I had on it actually saved the phone. Not a scratch on the phone, screen wasn't cracked or shattered.  The cover has such bad road rash on it that it's nearly worn through in spots, but it did it's job.  Hurray for the two for a dollar phone cases Papoose #1 ordered from China or somewhere a couple years ago, then handed down to Papoose #2 who then handed it down to me when she got a new, cuter case.  It's ugly as sin, but obviously works!!

Bought a new alarm clock last night, since mine refuses to work anymore.  I hate the new one.

Did buy some new face primer while I was at the store last night, and I think I'm really going to like it. The new Revlon Photoready Primer.  I was going to get the Loreal one I usually buy, saw this other one, looked up the reviews on one vs the other on my handy dandy smart phone and opted to try the Revlon one.  So far, me likey.

Aren't we spoiled, having so much at our fingertips at all times with these phones and computers?  We really are.  Not always a good thing, but not always a bad thing either.

There are a few people that don't speak to me around this joint anymore.  I wonder why?  Oh well.  Life goes on.

The drama and pain of these past weeks has really taken a toll on me.  I'm exhausted.  I can't wait to catch up on a little stress free, tear free rest this weekend.  Have horse stuff all day tomorrow, but Sunday is looking promising.

Everything has been quite pleasant this week at the tepee.  It's been sort of twilight zoney, but pleasant nonetheless.  Like having my old comfortable routine back.  Next week it's back to my cottage and the long ass drive to and from work.  The gas is killing me, but it is what it is.  I'll be back on the schedule for a few hours next week at Job #2, hopefully that will help make up for some of the gas money I'm burning up living down there.

I miss The Real Deal.  He has been keeping busy while I've been gone though.  Spending 16 hour days at both locations, trying to keep everyone pulling their weight.  Working his ass off.  He's damn good at what he does.

I still fail to see the attraction to pop tarts or energy drinks.  Bleh.

Gotta get some work done now.

Have a great weekend, all.

“There is neither happiness nor unhappiness in this world; there is only the comparison of one state with another. Only a man who has felt ultimate despair is capable of feeling ultimate bliss. It is necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live…the sum of all human wisdom will be contained in these two words: Wait and Hope.”

- Alexandre Dumas

I Have A Pointy Chin

So The Real Deal had me take the night off from Job #2 last night so that I wouldn't have to ask Mister Wonderful to pick Papoose #2 up from the trainers again, because he got so livid with me when I had to ask him to Monday night.

Papoose #2 put in her request for dinner and while I was cooking there was a knock at the door.  Papoose #2 opens it and there stand two of our neighbor kids, holding two little poodle/shit tzu looking mix dogs.  Cute friendly little dogs.  They were asking if we knew who the dogs belonged to, we did not, Papoose #2 said she would go walking with them around the hood to see if they could figure out who the dogs belong to.  Now, our road is a notorious dump spot for dogs, so I knew the story before the kids ever got back to the house.  I knew they didn't belong to anyone in our area.

I look out the kitchen window, and Papoose #2 has them in the yard feeding them.  Uh, yeah.  Now they won't leave.  VERY cute and VERY friendly little things, BUT..........

They ran around outside all around the house, chasing cats and barking their fool heads off ALL NIGHT LONG.  None of us got any sleep at all.   Then my alarm didn't go off, so Papoose #2 comes in and wakes me up from my whopping 45 minutes of sleep I finally managed to get and we are running around the house getting ready so we won't be late to the trainers and work.  We get ready in record time and run out and load up in the car.  While I'm putting my purse and lunch bag in the back seat, the two little furball strays jump in my car.  So I had my phone in my hand and sat it on top of the car while I drag the two filthy muddy little things out of the jalopy.  You see where this is going???

Yeah, we were in such a hurry that I forgot my cell on top of the car.  I got all the way to the trainers before I realized it.  Drove back slowly retracing where we'd been, hoping to see it on the side of the road somewhere or something, but no such luck.  It's gone.  To top it off, even if I HAD the $100.00 for the deductible on my insurance, I will be dropped from the insurance because I've already used it within the last 12 months when my phone had a brain fart and died late last year.  So yeah, I'm none too happy with those little bastard dogs, and SOMETHING better happen where they aren't at the house tonight, because no amount of cute and sweet is going to make up for me not getting any sleep all night and then being without a phone for God knows how long because I don't have the money to buy a new one!!!  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..........

I work Job #2 tonight.  Actually looking forward to that.  I had fun Monday night with the crew that showed up to play.

We have another parade this Saturday, for St. Patrick's Day.  I have no idea where it is at.  I've been so out of it with all the MW/TC drama, pain and mess that I've lost all track of my real life.  I haven't driven my horse since the show in January, so this could prove to be, ummm, eventful.

Papoose #2 is riding and working with thirty thousand dollar horses on a daily basis.  That is pretty mind boggling, isn't it?  To think that so many people can't afford to pay their rent, and other people buy things like cutting horses for a hobby and can afford to pay 30-50k cash for them?  Astounding.  Nice fucking horses though, I'll tell you what.  Whooooeeeee are they ever nice.

I was taking the trash out at The Real Deals place weekend before last, after dark, and I didn't see a hose that was in the grass, tangled my foot up in it, tripped and fell and smacked my chin on the only piece of wood in the whole yard.  Split my chin open and chipped the bone in my chin.  The knot from it is still there. I wonder if that will ever go away, or if I'm going to have a deformed chin from now on?

It's funny how differently people treat you, based on how you look.  I've been heavy and I've been thin, and it is amazing the dramatic difference in how people treat me, depending on where I'm at with that.  As a matter of fact, I've experienced guys wanting to "be my friend" when I am thin, but stopped talking to me when I put some weight on.  I'm so grateful I'm getting rid of the extra weight I had put on over the past months.  I feel so much better, getting back to normal.  Now I just have to get back to working out.  Get off my lazy ass.

Well, I'm done boring the three people that read this thing now.

Getting back to work now.

Take care of yourselves, all.