I am a strong woman. So people tell me. I've never understood why everyone thinks that. I don't think I am. When anyone says that, I feel like some kind of fraud, wondering, what kind of lies am I telling without knowing it, that people think I am strong or smart???
Everyone says I am strong. Why???
I used to be able to do any damn thing I want to do. Physically. Now, maybe I am getting a little older. Scares me that maybe I don't have as much time to have the life I have dreamt of for so long.
But I will tell you right now, the feel of a huge strong hand around my throat makes me completely homicidal. After I get past the humiliation. F*ck. God it makes me so pissed off and ashamed and pissed off and crazy and just ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Follow me in the master bath...ask for something I WON'T do..toss me around and grab my throat, thinking it will turn me on????? I could spit nails. I could lose my lunch. YOU ARE NOT ANYONE I WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH AT ALL, MUCH LESS DO ANY OF THAT!!!
please leave me alone.
Walking around the house, finish cooking dinner, still feeling those fingers around my throat. I can feel them still. Every time I swallow I feel them still. Deep. Sucks but hey, it's over now.
LabPup has a name. His name is Milo.
He lost his mind when this happened. He got me out of that particular situation by losing his mind. He did not like me being upset and uncomfortable. He lost his mind. It was one of the most amazing things I've ever seen. Good dog, Milo. You are a good dog and I love you. Nice work.
Who would have thought a baby puppy of 10 months would have that in him??? And he is so calm and sweet normally . He loves his momma :)
It's only temporary and I've got backup. I can't tell the Real Deal, or he would kill him. That would totally screw up all of our plans for the future.
Instead, I work so hard to make a life for myself. I stay away from home alot and work. It's all good. This makes me focus like nothing else ever could.
I am pissed off and hate that feeling of my damn throat having fingerprints when I swallow.
This is my journal. I can write what I want to.
My dog kicks ass.
I am pissed off and I don't even know how else to articulate what I am feeling.
I have to go feed Papoose #2 now.
Thank you for letting me vent.
I trust that this will be kept amongst the few people I know read this, and that's it. Thank you.
Showing posts with label Mister Wonderful. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mister Wonderful. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Now It's My Fault We Are Getting More Snow?
Ok, so Mister Wonderful never bothers to take care of the house or cars or anything, right? Everything is either up to me or on it's own and gosh I hope it all works out because it's too much of a pain in the ass to be a responsible man and take care of business.....whatever.
So, after the 'great freeze that never should have been' last week, I made sure to ask around at work and to anyone I thought could remotely help me figure out where it all went wrong. I mean, I did everything I could think of to avoid losing water or having burst pipes, etc. Left water running from every faucet, left cabinet doors open to let the house heat in, had heat lamps on in the well house, you get the idea.
Well, from talking to all of the men I work with, there are two camps of belief as to why my water froze up all of a sudden in the last little storm.........
Idea #1: The little worthless spigot that is at ground level right outside the well/pump house was too exposed and froze up, causing the whole house to lose water.
Idea #2: The spigot area where the water most likely enters the house is not insulated well where it comes up out of the ground, and that is where the freeze happened.
Either way, it was somewhere from the main water source that froze, because I had water running from every single sink in the house and they all ceased to function at the very same time.
So, I text MW with the news of what I have learned from the men I work with, and he doesn't even acknowledge my text. I call after I get off of work, asking him to make sure to bring hay bales or straw or something to use to help insulate these areas, because I wanted to do it, but I am in my little car and he took the explorer from me, so I have no way of picking the hay or straw up myself....he tells me that he is too busy to stop and bother with hay or straw.
Ok, so I am on my own in trying to avoid another freeze then. Ok, I get it. I am used to this. This has been going on for 20 years now.
But dammit do I want to kill him. So tired of his job, his moods, his irresponsibility, his lack of concern with his home or family making it harder on me to figure out how to do everything. Dammit!!!
He finally came home. Cussing and will barely even listen to me when I try to tell him what the guys at work said may help us keep the house from freezing again.....slamming doors in my face while I am trying to explain what we need to do........and didn't show up with any hay or straw, and he's the one with the truck. Bleh.
In the meantime, he had told me that he wanted salmon and salad for dinner, so I had made it....he wouldn't tell me when he expected to be home, so I had made the dinner and tried to short cook it so it wouldn't be too over done when he got here.
I am a dumb ass.
I need therapy in the worst way. This is f*cking ridiculous.
It's like living with a pissy teenager that has power over your life. Bleh.
Ok, I am done whining now. I have to head outside and do something with my well house and the area of the house where the water comes in.
Like the peeps at work told me to do.
Sorry to bore everyone.
This should be interesting....heehee.
Come on LabPup, let's go do this thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, after the 'great freeze that never should have been' last week, I made sure to ask around at work and to anyone I thought could remotely help me figure out where it all went wrong. I mean, I did everything I could think of to avoid losing water or having burst pipes, etc. Left water running from every faucet, left cabinet doors open to let the house heat in, had heat lamps on in the well house, you get the idea.
Well, from talking to all of the men I work with, there are two camps of belief as to why my water froze up all of a sudden in the last little storm.........
Idea #1: The little worthless spigot that is at ground level right outside the well/pump house was too exposed and froze up, causing the whole house to lose water.
Idea #2: The spigot area where the water most likely enters the house is not insulated well where it comes up out of the ground, and that is where the freeze happened.
Either way, it was somewhere from the main water source that froze, because I had water running from every single sink in the house and they all ceased to function at the very same time.
So, I text MW with the news of what I have learned from the men I work with, and he doesn't even acknowledge my text. I call after I get off of work, asking him to make sure to bring hay bales or straw or something to use to help insulate these areas, because I wanted to do it, but I am in my little car and he took the explorer from me, so I have no way of picking the hay or straw up myself....he tells me that he is too busy to stop and bother with hay or straw.
Ok, so I am on my own in trying to avoid another freeze then. Ok, I get it. I am used to this. This has been going on for 20 years now.
But dammit do I want to kill him. So tired of his job, his moods, his irresponsibility, his lack of concern with his home or family making it harder on me to figure out how to do everything. Dammit!!!
He finally came home. Cussing and will barely even listen to me when I try to tell him what the guys at work said may help us keep the house from freezing again.....slamming doors in my face while I am trying to explain what we need to do........and didn't show up with any hay or straw, and he's the one with the truck. Bleh.
In the meantime, he had told me that he wanted salmon and salad for dinner, so I had made it....he wouldn't tell me when he expected to be home, so I had made the dinner and tried to short cook it so it wouldn't be too over done when he got here.
I am a dumb ass.
I need therapy in the worst way. This is f*cking ridiculous.
It's like living with a pissy teenager that has power over your life. Bleh.
Ok, I am done whining now. I have to head outside and do something with my well house and the area of the house where the water comes in.
Like the peeps at work told me to do.
Sorry to bore everyone.
This should be interesting....heehee.
Come on LabPup, let's go do this thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On The Road Again....
Yep, rolling in the baby car again WOOT WOOT!!! Sweetie pie friend gifted me with a new tire!! So I am in my own car again, thank goodness. Especially since my backup vehicle was taken over. I surely didn't have the dough to replace that tire just yet. I may have had to resort to Corner's advice, if my friend hadn't forced my amazing tire gift on me. I strive every day to be as good of a friend as she is. What an absolutely unselfish, totally loving person. Good things are coming to you, girlfriend, I promise you that!!!!
I cut up part of an apple and added it to my oatmeal this morning along with the cinnamon. Whoo dawgies, that was good!!!
So I teased Mister Wonderful last night about not appreciating the things I do for him, because he didn't comment on the soup or sandwich I tried out for dinner last night. Jokingly said "you don't even appreciate me cooking for you, or any of the things I do for you" to which he responded "appreciation is why you have a dog, he appreciates you and thinks you are the most amazing thing in the world, and thats why you work with your boyfriend too, Casanova is all about being nice to you, I'm just not that kind of guy" he said all of this smiling. This is the bizarre life I am living right now. My husband is HAPPY that someone else is taking care of the pesky things he doesn't want to be bothered with, like being sweet to me and making me happy. Fu*king BIZZARRO!!!
Of course, he mentions women he has interest in as well. Man how our relationship has changed. At least I don't have to feel guilty for working towards building the life I want. I still DO feel guilty, but I don't HAVE to.
Papoose #2 decided to surprise MW by cleaning the house and mopping the floors while I cooked dinner last night. She was buzzing around that house and cleaning like a mad woman, trying to get it all done before he got home from work. I jumped in helping her here and there in between dinner stuff, we were really rocking the team work.
When he finally walked in the door, the first thing he did was grab some laundry and head to the laundry room, and when he saw that Papoose #2 had a load of her clothes in the washer he started yelling at her to switch her f*cking laundry over. He stood there screaming that over and over till she got in there to switch it. I told him repeatedly that the load had JUST finished before he walked in, and give her a damn second to get up there from the back of the house where she was sweeping. Jerk.
Whenever ANYTHING in life ticks him off, or he has a bad day, or anything goes wrong in any way, he takes it out fully on the kids and I. Jackass. I finally told him "you know what, assh*le??? That kid in there was so excited to surprise you with a spotless house, and all you did was yell at her and treat her like something you scrape off your shoe. That right there is one of the reasons you will end up a lonely old man" Man was I pissed off. Papoose #2 shrugged it off well and kept a smile on her face as she and I proceeded to enjoy our evening, our dinner, and our clean house :)
I freaking HATE that he is such a sh*tty father, but on the other hand, I am so grateful that both of my daughters have learned at a young age not to take sh*t from sh*tty people. Both of them have already shown their strength in different situations with other people, boyfriends etc, by not letting ANYONE treat them crappy. Thank God. They are strong women NOW. It took me 40 years to learn how to be strong. That is the most embarrassing thing in the world.
But damn I raised some awesome kids. They are my finest accomplishment.
I cut up part of an apple and added it to my oatmeal this morning along with the cinnamon. Whoo dawgies, that was good!!!
So I teased Mister Wonderful last night about not appreciating the things I do for him, because he didn't comment on the soup or sandwich I tried out for dinner last night. Jokingly said "you don't even appreciate me cooking for you, or any of the things I do for you" to which he responded "appreciation is why you have a dog, he appreciates you and thinks you are the most amazing thing in the world, and thats why you work with your boyfriend too, Casanova is all about being nice to you, I'm just not that kind of guy" he said all of this smiling. This is the bizarre life I am living right now. My husband is HAPPY that someone else is taking care of the pesky things he doesn't want to be bothered with, like being sweet to me and making me happy. Fu*king BIZZARRO!!!
Of course, he mentions women he has interest in as well. Man how our relationship has changed. At least I don't have to feel guilty for working towards building the life I want. I still DO feel guilty, but I don't HAVE to.
Papoose #2 decided to surprise MW by cleaning the house and mopping the floors while I cooked dinner last night. She was buzzing around that house and cleaning like a mad woman, trying to get it all done before he got home from work. I jumped in helping her here and there in between dinner stuff, we were really rocking the team work.
When he finally walked in the door, the first thing he did was grab some laundry and head to the laundry room, and when he saw that Papoose #2 had a load of her clothes in the washer he started yelling at her to switch her f*cking laundry over. He stood there screaming that over and over till she got in there to switch it. I told him repeatedly that the load had JUST finished before he walked in, and give her a damn second to get up there from the back of the house where she was sweeping. Jerk.
Whenever ANYTHING in life ticks him off, or he has a bad day, or anything goes wrong in any way, he takes it out fully on the kids and I. Jackass. I finally told him "you know what, assh*le??? That kid in there was so excited to surprise you with a spotless house, and all you did was yell at her and treat her like something you scrape off your shoe. That right there is one of the reasons you will end up a lonely old man" Man was I pissed off. Papoose #2 shrugged it off well and kept a smile on her face as she and I proceeded to enjoy our evening, our dinner, and our clean house :)
I freaking HATE that he is such a sh*tty father, but on the other hand, I am so grateful that both of my daughters have learned at a young age not to take sh*t from sh*tty people. Both of them have already shown their strength in different situations with other people, boyfriends etc, by not letting ANYONE treat them crappy. Thank God. They are strong women NOW. It took me 40 years to learn how to be strong. That is the most embarrassing thing in the world.
But damn I raised some awesome kids. They are my finest accomplishment.
Monday, January 31, 2011
It Is What It Is
That is my "ommmm" saying. I use that one when things feel like they are overwhelming me. It reminds me that, no matter what is going on right now, or how horrible it seems, no matter how dark the moment seems, how frustrating or dire, there will come a better time and a brighter day. I use that saying alot, and it's amazing how it really does center and calm me in moments of stress and frustration.
I used to stress out and lose my mind over things. I used to freak out and get so upset that I really was a hindrance to myself in being able to find solutions to problems. The Real Deal is the one that taught me that saying, and showed me by example how to live my life truly believing it. He has had the kind of life that most of us never dream of, the kind of life that most people give up on and never make it to the light at the end of the tunnel. Yet, this is the person that taught me how to hang loose, to relax, to realize that it's not over till the fat lady sings and that she hasn't even warmed up her vocal chords yet.....he is the one that taught me It Is What It Is. Although I will still begin to get wound up, I now have the mindset and ability to tell myself it is what it is, calm down, and get to breaking the situation down and figuring out a solution to it. Or, if there is no solution, to just letting it go.
I believe I have mentioned that my little car needs a new tire. I do not have the 200.00 it will take to buy the new tire right now, because I have the mortgage and electricity to pay first. So I've been driving the old explorer until I have the extra cash to buy the tire. (I do not have any credit cards).
Well, evidently, Friday on the way home, Mister Wonderfuls car had something go wrong with it. So I worked all weekend while he was home holding down the sofa and killing enemy soldiers online with all of his compadres. This morning Papoose #2 and I head out the door to go to school and work, and lo and behold, the explorer is gone. Mister Wonderful took it to work. Left me with my car sitting on a barely aired donut tire, and his car with whatever on earth is broken on it.
So, I tell Papoose #2 to climb in my car and we will limp it to town, get some air in the donut, get her to school and me to work and I will make a game plan on what to do next during the day today.
First sign something was vewwy vewwy wrong?? Tried to move the seat forward because MW had left it as far back as it would go and the seat back cocked back as well (I mean, what did he do?? Put on baggy jeans, twist his ball cap to the side, cock the seat back and cruise around podunk hometown throwing gang signs at passers by?) seat would not move......uh oh. Turned the key....NOTHING. Battery is so dead it didn't make any noise or even attempt to start.
When he put the donut on it sometime last week or so, he left the lights on like an idiot and my battery is ruined I guess.
So I call MW and in the calmest voice I could possibly muster I ask "So, since it was obviously your intention to take the Explorer, which you know I have been driving for the past two weeks, without asking or informing me, did you not think, while you were home this weekend, to make sure the car you did leave here was in any way, shape, or form drivable for your daughter and I to safely get to school and work?" The tirade of cussing and yelling that came forth from the other end of the phone was ugly enough that I chose to quietly hang up. Evidently, I'm a blame laying B*tch to the Nth degree for daring to bother him with such drivel. Somehow all of this is my fault for not just conveniently having the cash to get a tire on my car in a more timely manner. We won't discuss the fact that both the Explorer AND the car are mine, in my name, paid for with my own money, and mine to use as I see fit, such as having the Explorer at my disposal as a backup vehicle if something goes wrong with my every day car, for example. That would be a low thing to bring up, wouldn't it?
In our household, he doesn't care what is wrong with anything, as long as he isn't the one being put out or made uncomfortable by it. He once left the Papooses and I stuck driving a Bronco we had, when the back window was stuck in the down position and I had zero money to have it repaired. We lived down 3 miles of dusty dirt road. Every day that dirt would get through anything I put on there and get all over the girls and I, our school/work clothes, our hair. If it rained, the dirty rain came in off of the roadway. Bleh. Heater couldn't warm the interior up hardly at all with the cold coming in the back. Bollocks!
Then he pulls this crap this morning. And this is not the first or even the 6th time this has happened either.
So I did what any loving, understanding and respectful wife would do.
I fired up his precious sports car and drove it, chugging and spitting and sputtering, to drop Papoose #2 off at school, then drove myself to work.
Hey, it is what it is, right?
I used to stress out and lose my mind over things. I used to freak out and get so upset that I really was a hindrance to myself in being able to find solutions to problems. The Real Deal is the one that taught me that saying, and showed me by example how to live my life truly believing it. He has had the kind of life that most of us never dream of, the kind of life that most people give up on and never make it to the light at the end of the tunnel. Yet, this is the person that taught me how to hang loose, to relax, to realize that it's not over till the fat lady sings and that she hasn't even warmed up her vocal chords yet.....he is the one that taught me It Is What It Is. Although I will still begin to get wound up, I now have the mindset and ability to tell myself it is what it is, calm down, and get to breaking the situation down and figuring out a solution to it. Or, if there is no solution, to just letting it go.
I believe I have mentioned that my little car needs a new tire. I do not have the 200.00 it will take to buy the new tire right now, because I have the mortgage and electricity to pay first. So I've been driving the old explorer until I have the extra cash to buy the tire. (I do not have any credit cards).
Well, evidently, Friday on the way home, Mister Wonderfuls car had something go wrong with it. So I worked all weekend while he was home holding down the sofa and killing enemy soldiers online with all of his compadres. This morning Papoose #2 and I head out the door to go to school and work, and lo and behold, the explorer is gone. Mister Wonderful took it to work. Left me with my car sitting on a barely aired donut tire, and his car with whatever on earth is broken on it.
So, I tell Papoose #2 to climb in my car and we will limp it to town, get some air in the donut, get her to school and me to work and I will make a game plan on what to do next during the day today.
First sign something was vewwy vewwy wrong?? Tried to move the seat forward because MW had left it as far back as it would go and the seat back cocked back as well (I mean, what did he do?? Put on baggy jeans, twist his ball cap to the side, cock the seat back and cruise around podunk hometown throwing gang signs at passers by?) seat would not move......uh oh. Turned the key....NOTHING. Battery is so dead it didn't make any noise or even attempt to start.
When he put the donut on it sometime last week or so, he left the lights on like an idiot and my battery is ruined I guess.
So I call MW and in the calmest voice I could possibly muster I ask "So, since it was obviously your intention to take the Explorer, which you know I have been driving for the past two weeks, without asking or informing me, did you not think, while you were home this weekend, to make sure the car you did leave here was in any way, shape, or form drivable for your daughter and I to safely get to school and work?" The tirade of cussing and yelling that came forth from the other end of the phone was ugly enough that I chose to quietly hang up. Evidently, I'm a blame laying B*tch to the Nth degree for daring to bother him with such drivel. Somehow all of this is my fault for not just conveniently having the cash to get a tire on my car in a more timely manner. We won't discuss the fact that both the Explorer AND the car are mine, in my name, paid for with my own money, and mine to use as I see fit, such as having the Explorer at my disposal as a backup vehicle if something goes wrong with my every day car, for example. That would be a low thing to bring up, wouldn't it?
In our household, he doesn't care what is wrong with anything, as long as he isn't the one being put out or made uncomfortable by it. He once left the Papooses and I stuck driving a Bronco we had, when the back window was stuck in the down position and I had zero money to have it repaired. We lived down 3 miles of dusty dirt road. Every day that dirt would get through anything I put on there and get all over the girls and I, our school/work clothes, our hair. If it rained, the dirty rain came in off of the roadway. Bleh. Heater couldn't warm the interior up hardly at all with the cold coming in the back. Bollocks!
Then he pulls this crap this morning. And this is not the first or even the 6th time this has happened either.
So I did what any loving, understanding and respectful wife would do.
I fired up his precious sports car and drove it, chugging and spitting and sputtering, to drop Papoose #2 off at school, then drove myself to work.
Hey, it is what it is, right?
Friday, January 28, 2011
No coffee today. So far so good.
Have to admit, it wasn't purely by choice. I had to have a fasting blood draw done, so nothing but water from midnight till 9 this morning when I went to get drawn. Boy is the doc lucky I have been slowly cutting back on the caffeine over the past couple of weeks, huh? He could have had a real h*ll b*tch on his hands, otherwise!!
I love my birks, but I sure am ready for a pedi and some flip flops. I'm jonesing.
Anyone of my three readers that missed it, you have GOT to read the comment Corner left for me. Absolute genius. Love it!!!!
I don't have much to offer today folks. Busy and incredibly drug out and tired. Sorry.
Papoose #1 will be home this weekend though, that's fab!!! She's showing some friends horses at the Stock Show. I can't wait to hug her!!
LabPup has mastered the 'sit' and 'wait' commands I use when I am getting ready to feed him. Good boy, LabPup.
Mister Wonderful has announced that if he can get enough money together, he is moving to Panama. No, not in Florida. At the canal. He says the unemployment rate is only like 4%. I think someone lied to him. Besides, I've LIVED in Panama, and I'm sorry, but thieving, drug running and hooking can't possibly be considered official employment. I told him he could stop by and visit when he was in the U.S. He insisted I'm going with him. I informed him that it would would be a case of over HIS dead body, not mine. Narf.
Papoose #2 is mad at me because I won't let her go to Nicaragua on a mission trip with her church. Be pissed all you want, little girl, not happenin' on my watch.
There was an evil bungee cord in the road on the way in to work this morning. Right where there was no way to go around it on either side, had to straddle the evil thing. *shudder* Had to drive back over it on the way to and from the doc's office too. Sheeeiiitttee....
I know, I know.......therapy.
Have to admit, it wasn't purely by choice. I had to have a fasting blood draw done, so nothing but water from midnight till 9 this morning when I went to get drawn. Boy is the doc lucky I have been slowly cutting back on the caffeine over the past couple of weeks, huh? He could have had a real h*ll b*tch on his hands, otherwise!!
I love my birks, but I sure am ready for a pedi and some flip flops. I'm jonesing.
Anyone of my three readers that missed it, you have GOT to read the comment Corner left for me. Absolute genius. Love it!!!!
I don't have much to offer today folks. Busy and incredibly drug out and tired. Sorry.
Papoose #1 will be home this weekend though, that's fab!!! She's showing some friends horses at the Stock Show. I can't wait to hug her!!
LabPup has mastered the 'sit' and 'wait' commands I use when I am getting ready to feed him. Good boy, LabPup.
Mister Wonderful has announced that if he can get enough money together, he is moving to Panama. No, not in Florida. At the canal. He says the unemployment rate is only like 4%. I think someone lied to him. Besides, I've LIVED in Panama, and I'm sorry, but thieving, drug running and hooking can't possibly be considered official employment. I told him he could stop by and visit when he was in the U.S. He insisted I'm going with him. I informed him that it would would be a case of over HIS dead body, not mine. Narf.
Papoose #2 is mad at me because I won't let her go to Nicaragua on a mission trip with her church. Be pissed all you want, little girl, not happenin' on my watch.
There was an evil bungee cord in the road on the way in to work this morning. Right where there was no way to go around it on either side, had to straddle the evil thing. *shudder* Had to drive back over it on the way to and from the doc's office too. Sheeeiiitttee....
I know, I know.......therapy.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Throwing It Out There
I read the book Water For Elephants. Was good enough to keep me entertained, but I am curious how it will play as a movie.
Christina Aguilera and Pink have the best female voices in music today.
I love Cher. when I was young I always wanted her to be my mother. Twisted, yeah. (I already warned you people that I'm not stable, sheesh). Not for the famous or rich aspect, just because I'm incredibly drawn to her. I know her daughter is all he/she jacked up, but I still always wanted her to be my mom. I used to watch the Sonny and Cher show every time it was on, and that's saying alot, because even back then I was not a television watcher. I think Cher is damaged somehow in a similar way to how I am damaged. When I was younger, I saw that, for some reason.
Mister Wonderful is totally watching the Joan Rivers reality show. Wow. Shoveling his dinner into his mouth and completely tied into that show.
I love Cher, Liza Minelli, Barbara Streisand, and Judy Garland. Oh sh*t. That makes me a drag queen, doesn't it?????????????????????? H*ll, I'm not good enough with my hair and makeup to be a drag queen!!!!
Now Mr. W is watching some show about drag queens. Wth is going on around this place tonight???
I taught myself how to play Moonlight Sonata by ear on the piano when I was younger, because it was my mothers favorite song and I thought it would make her happy. It, and a couple of other very simplistic songs are the only piano pieces I know to this day. I can play the h*ll out of Moonlight Sonata though, hahahaha.
I've always wanted to learn to swing dance and ballroom dance. Silly as it sounds, that is one of the things that made me so sad about my dark marriage to Mister Wonderful, that he would never even entertain the thought of taking lessons with me. H*ll, he won't even take me out anywhere, much less to dance lessons. I think I will take lessons someday. I am the least coordinated person you will ever meet, I can't even do the electric slide without jacking it up somehow. But dang I love to dance, talent be damned. I will get out there and boogie and make myself look like an idiot, but I will have a TIME doing it!!
I like it when people comment on my thoughts. Whether it is something that is positive or negative. It centers me, somehow, to have other peoples opinions of this chaos that goes through my mind all the time. I appreciate the input. I really do.
Listen to the Sonata. Even if you don't think you like that kind of music, just take a few minutes out of your life and sit back and listen to it. It really is very good. Very moving. Enjoy it. It can teach you how to relax, laugh, cry and lament all in one song.
Night, all.
Christina Aguilera and Pink have the best female voices in music today.
I love Cher. when I was young I always wanted her to be my mother. Twisted, yeah. (I already warned you people that I'm not stable, sheesh). Not for the famous or rich aspect, just because I'm incredibly drawn to her. I know her daughter is all he/she jacked up, but I still always wanted her to be my mom. I used to watch the Sonny and Cher show every time it was on, and that's saying alot, because even back then I was not a television watcher. I think Cher is damaged somehow in a similar way to how I am damaged. When I was younger, I saw that, for some reason.
Mister Wonderful is totally watching the Joan Rivers reality show. Wow. Shoveling his dinner into his mouth and completely tied into that show.
I love Cher, Liza Minelli, Barbara Streisand, and Judy Garland. Oh sh*t. That makes me a drag queen, doesn't it?????????????????????? H*ll, I'm not good enough with my hair and makeup to be a drag queen!!!!
Now Mr. W is watching some show about drag queens. Wth is going on around this place tonight???
I taught myself how to play Moonlight Sonata by ear on the piano when I was younger, because it was my mothers favorite song and I thought it would make her happy. It, and a couple of other very simplistic songs are the only piano pieces I know to this day. I can play the h*ll out of Moonlight Sonata though, hahahaha.
I've always wanted to learn to swing dance and ballroom dance. Silly as it sounds, that is one of the things that made me so sad about my dark marriage to Mister Wonderful, that he would never even entertain the thought of taking lessons with me. H*ll, he won't even take me out anywhere, much less to dance lessons. I think I will take lessons someday. I am the least coordinated person you will ever meet, I can't even do the electric slide without jacking it up somehow. But dang I love to dance, talent be damned. I will get out there and boogie and make myself look like an idiot, but I will have a TIME doing it!!
I like it when people comment on my thoughts. Whether it is something that is positive or negative. It centers me, somehow, to have other peoples opinions of this chaos that goes through my mind all the time. I appreciate the input. I really do.
Listen to the Sonata. Even if you don't think you like that kind of music, just take a few minutes out of your life and sit back and listen to it. It really is very good. Very moving. Enjoy it. It can teach you how to relax, laugh, cry and lament all in one song.
Night, all.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
It's A Business Deal
So, I think we have established that Mister Wonderful is not Mister Forever, right? Good.
The thing is, for 19 years I tried so so hard to make everything ok, or at least acceptable or moderately healthy. As the years progressed I became more and more frustrated and the feeling of being trapped, of somehow missing out on having a good/happy/fulfilling life grew more and more intolerable. For some reason, I was convinced that this was the bed I made for myself and I was forever doomed to lay in it. Also over those years, I began to believe the things I was being told, basically that any and all problems from our relationship (or lack thereof) to finances were all my fault somehow.
So I would try harder and harder to make things better.
Then a few years ago I realized not only was I not doing anything wrong, but that I didn't have to stay in this life forever. We separated. I was very happy with the freedom I discovered for the first time in my life. It was amazing. The whole mood of our household was so light, so happy. Nobody yelling or calling anyone names. For the first time ever, we had a real home, a happy home, a home the girls and I enjoyed coming home to.
It was during this time that I met The Real Deal. Purely by accident.
He treated me like the sun rose and set when I woke and slept. He treated my kids like they were the most amazing creatures in the universe. He listened to them, he helped them, he loved them. And they loved him back. This amazing new life lasted for one year. The Real Deal lost his job. We struggled through trying to find work for him, he had no shame, he would take any and all jobs he could find. But this was during the worst of the unemployment problems, and it was incredibly hard. He couldn't pay his share of the bills. He couldn't pay for his truck, and lost it. I don't make that much money and got to where I couldn't help anymore, and I was struggling just to keep my home. The Real Deal decided the best thing he could do was go wherever he had to in order to try and get his life together. He couldn't stand that he couldn't take care of us, even though I didn't expect him to. He was at rock bottom.
It was about this time that Mister Wonderful called me, saying that his current girlfriend had slept with his best friend and he couldn't stand to live with said best friend any longer and wanted to come home. He said he would live there as a roommate, live in the converted garage if he had to. Said that he had no interest in getting back together with me as a couple, just needed to stay at the house until he could get his sh*t together and figure out what he was going to do with himself. Since he's been home, I have found out, by his own admittance, that he cheated on me years ago, back when I was crying myself to sleep trying to figure out how to make him happy, how to make our family anything close to happy.
So that is where we're at. It's a business deal. Oh, Mister Wonderful realized how truly disconnected I was, once he moved back in, and got a little crazy for awhile, actually trying outrageous things to attempt to secure our marriage as a lasting bond again, things like being thoughtful, sometimes even romantic.....but of course none of that ever lasted more than a few days, minutes sometimes. So here we sit, me trying to get my financial life in order, so I can make it on my own. Both of us sitting on the house in hopes that the market will turn so we can sell it. Him being his spoiled self sometimes and being a real as*hole, and me walking away from it. Waiting to get our youngest daughter out of high school. Waiting for, idk.....something.
I think alot of marriages are like this. Roommates. Parents. Friends. Enemies, at times. I think sometimes it's more of a habit, a need for the familiar, than it really is a romance. We love each other, in our way, I know. But not in the way that makes your heart smile when they walk in the room, or when you see them interact with your child, not in that way. Not in the way that makes your heart beat faster when you think of them during the day. Not in the way that makes you dream of the future together.
It's a business deal.
The thing is, for 19 years I tried so so hard to make everything ok, or at least acceptable or moderately healthy. As the years progressed I became more and more frustrated and the feeling of being trapped, of somehow missing out on having a good/happy/fulfilling life grew more and more intolerable. For some reason, I was convinced that this was the bed I made for myself and I was forever doomed to lay in it. Also over those years, I began to believe the things I was being told, basically that any and all problems from our relationship (or lack thereof) to finances were all my fault somehow.
So I would try harder and harder to make things better.
Then a few years ago I realized not only was I not doing anything wrong, but that I didn't have to stay in this life forever. We separated. I was very happy with the freedom I discovered for the first time in my life. It was amazing. The whole mood of our household was so light, so happy. Nobody yelling or calling anyone names. For the first time ever, we had a real home, a happy home, a home the girls and I enjoyed coming home to.
It was during this time that I met The Real Deal. Purely by accident.
He treated me like the sun rose and set when I woke and slept. He treated my kids like they were the most amazing creatures in the universe. He listened to them, he helped them, he loved them. And they loved him back. This amazing new life lasted for one year. The Real Deal lost his job. We struggled through trying to find work for him, he had no shame, he would take any and all jobs he could find. But this was during the worst of the unemployment problems, and it was incredibly hard. He couldn't pay his share of the bills. He couldn't pay for his truck, and lost it. I don't make that much money and got to where I couldn't help anymore, and I was struggling just to keep my home. The Real Deal decided the best thing he could do was go wherever he had to in order to try and get his life together. He couldn't stand that he couldn't take care of us, even though I didn't expect him to. He was at rock bottom.
It was about this time that Mister Wonderful called me, saying that his current girlfriend had slept with his best friend and he couldn't stand to live with said best friend any longer and wanted to come home. He said he would live there as a roommate, live in the converted garage if he had to. Said that he had no interest in getting back together with me as a couple, just needed to stay at the house until he could get his sh*t together and figure out what he was going to do with himself. Since he's been home, I have found out, by his own admittance, that he cheated on me years ago, back when I was crying myself to sleep trying to figure out how to make him happy, how to make our family anything close to happy.
So that is where we're at. It's a business deal. Oh, Mister Wonderful realized how truly disconnected I was, once he moved back in, and got a little crazy for awhile, actually trying outrageous things to attempt to secure our marriage as a lasting bond again, things like being thoughtful, sometimes even romantic.....but of course none of that ever lasted more than a few days, minutes sometimes. So here we sit, me trying to get my financial life in order, so I can make it on my own. Both of us sitting on the house in hopes that the market will turn so we can sell it. Him being his spoiled self sometimes and being a real as*hole, and me walking away from it. Waiting to get our youngest daughter out of high school. Waiting for, idk.....something.
I think alot of marriages are like this. Roommates. Parents. Friends. Enemies, at times. I think sometimes it's more of a habit, a need for the familiar, than it really is a romance. We love each other, in our way, I know. But not in the way that makes your heart smile when they walk in the room, or when you see them interact with your child, not in that way. Not in the way that makes your heart beat faster when you think of them during the day. Not in the way that makes you dream of the future together.
It's a business deal.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Angry is NOT the way to start a blog.....
But that's how it is right now, so here we go. Hang on to your shorts, because it's gonna be a bumpy ride.
Hi. I don't know if I will ever have anything to say that anyone wants to read, but right now I want to talk, and this seems like a great venue.
When I was going through the steps of setting up this here blog, I was in high spirits and excited to start something good. By the time I actually got to the point of posting anything, my di*k of a husband had come home and ruined everything for the evening, including my mood.
Now, I am generally the most easy going person...well, alot of the time...now that I'm old........and just don't have the attention span to be angry long or hold a grudge effectively....but I'm tellin you, that man makes me want to shoot him in the face. But I digress......
So, I'm starting a blog. This shall be my therapy. Thank you in advance to anyone that may stop by and read the crazy as* shi* that goes through my head. Oh, and don't expect me to post every single day necessarily, because I'm kind of quiet sometimes, so I'm sorry in advance for that. And don't expect me to be as talented or funny as alot of my blogging friends, because I just can't live up to those expectations, and that kind of steess upsets my stomach.
Ok, so tomorrow I will throw out a real post...tonight I'm doing well not to shoot the assho*e in the face, and I'm not asking any more of myself than that for the night.
Hi. I don't know if I will ever have anything to say that anyone wants to read, but right now I want to talk, and this seems like a great venue.
When I was going through the steps of setting up this here blog, I was in high spirits and excited to start something good. By the time I actually got to the point of posting anything, my di*k of a husband had come home and ruined everything for the evening, including my mood.
Now, I am generally the most easy going person...well, alot of the time...now that I'm old........and just don't have the attention span to be angry long or hold a grudge effectively....but I'm tellin you, that man makes me want to shoot him in the face. But I digress......
So, I'm starting a blog. This shall be my therapy. Thank you in advance to anyone that may stop by and read the crazy as* shi* that goes through my head. Oh, and don't expect me to post every single day necessarily, because I'm kind of quiet sometimes, so I'm sorry in advance for that. And don't expect me to be as talented or funny as alot of my blogging friends, because I just can't live up to those expectations, and that kind of steess upsets my stomach.
Ok, so tomorrow I will throw out a real post...tonight I'm doing well not to shoot the assho*e in the face, and I'm not asking any more of myself than that for the night.
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