Thursday, January 6, 2011
Backstabbing
I am not perfect. I am not even almost perfect. I am not even in the same zipcode as perfect.
Hell, I can't even claim to be anywhere in the vicinity of pretty-damn-good.
BUT.
One thing I can say with all certainty and honesty is, what you see is what you get. I don't pretend to be anything I am not, and I don't think I am any better than anyone else is. If I like you, you will know it. If I don't like you, I will be polite, and do my best to just stay out of your way.
One thing I will NOT do, is be sweet and nice to your face and then rip you to shreds behind your back. I will vent and rant and rave about people just like anyone else will, but I will not lie to you and say I am your friend and then do everything in my power to fu*k you over behind your back.
I work with someone that is evidently so miserable in her own life, and has such incredible self esteem issues, that she does just exactly what I described above. She does it ALL.THE.TIME. I blow it off and let it roll off my shoulders and I continue to be nice every day, because hey, we work together, there is only so much avoidance I can manage without being rude or causing any stress in the company. But I'll tell you what, I get damn sick of her crap sometimes. She is so desperate for attention that she flirts with every man she encounters and only has male friends because she is so shit*y to women that she can't keep a good girlfriend. She thrives on the attention that men give her when she flirts and bats her eyes at them, and one day will be devastated when she doesn't have her looks to get by on, and has to actually utilize her pathetic personality instead.
She is also so stupid that she doesn't think that the people she talks shit about me to will come to me and let me know what she says. I don't ask, and they rarely tell me, but once in awhile others get so tired of her snarkiness that they will vent a little off to me.
I am amazed that someone can stand to live that way. What a miserable and pathetic way to live.
I am not in any way a vengeful or hateful person, ever, but as I have mentioned, 2011 is my year, and there is one particular bit*h that I can't wait to piss off with the life I am creating for myself.
Living well is, after all, the best revenge.
Hell, I can't even claim to be anywhere in the vicinity of pretty-damn-good.
BUT.
One thing I can say with all certainty and honesty is, what you see is what you get. I don't pretend to be anything I am not, and I don't think I am any better than anyone else is. If I like you, you will know it. If I don't like you, I will be polite, and do my best to just stay out of your way.
One thing I will NOT do, is be sweet and nice to your face and then rip you to shreds behind your back. I will vent and rant and rave about people just like anyone else will, but I will not lie to you and say I am your friend and then do everything in my power to fu*k you over behind your back.
I work with someone that is evidently so miserable in her own life, and has such incredible self esteem issues, that she does just exactly what I described above. She does it ALL.THE.TIME. I blow it off and let it roll off my shoulders and I continue to be nice every day, because hey, we work together, there is only so much avoidance I can manage without being rude or causing any stress in the company. But I'll tell you what, I get damn sick of her crap sometimes. She is so desperate for attention that she flirts with every man she encounters and only has male friends because she is so shit*y to women that she can't keep a good girlfriend. She thrives on the attention that men give her when she flirts and bats her eyes at them, and one day will be devastated when she doesn't have her looks to get by on, and has to actually utilize her pathetic personality instead.
She is also so stupid that she doesn't think that the people she talks shit about me to will come to me and let me know what she says. I don't ask, and they rarely tell me, but once in awhile others get so tired of her snarkiness that they will vent a little off to me.
I am amazed that someone can stand to live that way. What a miserable and pathetic way to live.
I am not in any way a vengeful or hateful person, ever, but as I have mentioned, 2011 is my year, and there is one particular bit*h that I can't wait to piss off with the life I am creating for myself.
Living well is, after all, the best revenge.
No Excuse
Out rather late last night, running around doing errands I've not had time to run for the past couple of weeks. Get home around 11pm, clean out the coffee maker, set up the coffee for the morning brew, walk into my bedroom and hear "mother f*cker, gd kid like a bull in a china shop, in the f*cking shower for hours wtf!!!!" Now, I am used to this charming man, so I ask "what is wrong" and in answer I get "f*ck you, go to he*l".
Yep, that is what I have lived with for the past 19 years. And yep, that is precisely why I am working my a*s off at more than one job and why I say that 2011 is my year. This is my year, I can feel it.
Ugliness has no place in the home. It makes me incredibly sad to know that so many people out there are living like I have lived for so many years, many of them in much much worse situations and conditions. You don't have to tolerate ugliness or poor treatment.
I have spent so many years excusing mean spirited uncaring and violent treatment. I can't tell you how many hours I have spent telling myself "well he doesn't beat me like some guys beat women, at least it's mostly verbal and only physical sometimes and not nearly as bad as it could be" To tell you the truth, I had no idea there was any other kind of relationship out there. I had totally lost focus on the fact that there are people out there who are loving and gentle with one another, thoughtful and kind. You can get so far down into your rut, your own little version of vanilla hell, that you forget what fairness and reality can be.
I used to get so frustrated and hurt and upset whenever he was ugly or hurtful to me. I just wanted love. I wanted nothing more than peace in my home. I just wanted my family to get along and find peace together. I would cry and lose sleep, trying to figure out how to 'fix' it, how to make him love me, love us. I read books, I talked to counselors, I surfed the web for answers, tips, hints, tricks, advice, ANYTHING to help me make it at least tolerable. I spent 19 years taking responsibility for someone elses happiness, or lack thereof.
It has only been recently, within the last couple of years, that I have started truly and honestly understanding that all of that is not MY problem to fix. This is not all my responsibility, and that in trying so hard and kissing so much as*, I have in fact enabled this person to be the selfish, uncaring, spoiled sh*t of a man that he is. I wasn't 'fixing' anything, I was just enabling him to continue to be as rotten as he'd always been. I felt like an idiot.
But last night, when my concern for what might be wrong with him was greeted with "f*ck you, go to he*l", I didn't cry, I wasn't hurt, it didn't phase me in any way. I just turned around and walked out of the room.
I am finally to a place where I don't let someone else control my happiness or sense of self worth.
And I don't feel like an idiot anymore.
Yep, that is what I have lived with for the past 19 years. And yep, that is precisely why I am working my a*s off at more than one job and why I say that 2011 is my year. This is my year, I can feel it.
Ugliness has no place in the home. It makes me incredibly sad to know that so many people out there are living like I have lived for so many years, many of them in much much worse situations and conditions. You don't have to tolerate ugliness or poor treatment.
I have spent so many years excusing mean spirited uncaring and violent treatment. I can't tell you how many hours I have spent telling myself "well he doesn't beat me like some guys beat women, at least it's mostly verbal and only physical sometimes and not nearly as bad as it could be" To tell you the truth, I had no idea there was any other kind of relationship out there. I had totally lost focus on the fact that there are people out there who are loving and gentle with one another, thoughtful and kind. You can get so far down into your rut, your own little version of vanilla hell, that you forget what fairness and reality can be.
I used to get so frustrated and hurt and upset whenever he was ugly or hurtful to me. I just wanted love. I wanted nothing more than peace in my home. I just wanted my family to get along and find peace together. I would cry and lose sleep, trying to figure out how to 'fix' it, how to make him love me, love us. I read books, I talked to counselors, I surfed the web for answers, tips, hints, tricks, advice, ANYTHING to help me make it at least tolerable. I spent 19 years taking responsibility for someone elses happiness, or lack thereof.
It has only been recently, within the last couple of years, that I have started truly and honestly understanding that all of that is not MY problem to fix. This is not all my responsibility, and that in trying so hard and kissing so much as*, I have in fact enabled this person to be the selfish, uncaring, spoiled sh*t of a man that he is. I wasn't 'fixing' anything, I was just enabling him to continue to be as rotten as he'd always been. I felt like an idiot.
But last night, when my concern for what might be wrong with him was greeted with "f*ck you, go to he*l", I didn't cry, I wasn't hurt, it didn't phase me in any way. I just turned around and walked out of the room.
I am finally to a place where I don't let someone else control my happiness or sense of self worth.
And I don't feel like an idiot anymore.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
On Losing a Friend
Last night as I cleaned up the hundredth puddle of water from my kitchen floor from him drooling more water all over than he actually drinks, and told my half grown pup to PLEASE lay down and be a good boy, I thought of Keith at BON and what he is going through right now. Many people do not understand what the loss of a beloved pet can do to a person, because they either don't like animals or have never experienced the bond you can have with one if you are lucky.
I lost my dear sweet old dog this past summer, in June, and I still get sad when I think of it. Could I have done more for him?? I don't know. But I wonder that every time I think of him.
Now this new little life that was brought my way is a whole new chance to make a best friend bond, and I need to appreciate all the puppy rambunctiousness and mess and frustration, and remember to enjoy this time because one day I will go through the process of loss and grieving again. There are so many small miracles in our lives every day that we just need to open our eyes and hearts to see.
Thinking of you Keith, chin up buddy, there are many people out there who get it.
I lost my dear sweet old dog this past summer, in June, and I still get sad when I think of it. Could I have done more for him?? I don't know. But I wonder that every time I think of him.
Now this new little life that was brought my way is a whole new chance to make a best friend bond, and I need to appreciate all the puppy rambunctiousness and mess and frustration, and remember to enjoy this time because one day I will go through the process of loss and grieving again. There are so many small miracles in our lives every day that we just need to open our eyes and hearts to see.
Thinking of you Keith, chin up buddy, there are many people out there who get it.
Mega Millions
So, I never ever play the lottery. No gambling of any kind. I just can't get myself to give up perfectly good and usable cash in exchange for a piece of paper that MAY give me more money. I am a real square like that. So why then am I mad at myself for forgetting to buy a ticket last night? Seriously, how bizarre is that? I was actually going to buy a ticket last night, and completely forgot. And I was disappointed this morning.
Man, I need therapy.
Man, I need therapy.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Man, I suck at this
But hey, this is just basically my journal, so if I am too busy or too lazy to post anything then I guess that's alright too. That is at the top of my list of resolutions, to not feel so responsible for EVERYTHING. Not that I'm going to get all irresponsible or anything, but the way I was raised, I was taught that absolutely EVERYTHING was my responsibility and my fault, including the happiness of everyone around me. So, there is something could use some tinkering with.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Wow, 2011 is going to be my year, I can just feel it!!!!
I am 42 years old. I am JUST NOW getting started on making the life I have always dreamed of having. No no no, not some lifestyles of the rich and famous kinda rich thing, that's not what I am talking about at all. I am talking about finally throwing the hood up on my life and doing everything from tinkering to major overhaul here.
For years I have thought things like 'man I wish I was more this or that' lately I am finally figuring out in my head and in my heart, that I can make the changes I want to see in my life. Just saying that for years is one thing, but truly believing it in your heart and soul so that you can affectively act on it is something else entirely.
I often wonder, how do other adults seem to have their shit together so well?? I mean, who taught them that??? I still feel like I am 20 years old inside, in so many ways. I guess in some ways that is a really good thing, but in other ways it's going to end up making me that crazy old lady who is really friendly and sweet, but dresses like she doesn't care what anyone thinks, wears her hair way too young for her age, flirts with men wayyyyyyyyyyy too young for her, and just generally behaves like a kid.
And you know what??? I can honestly say that I am pretty damn ok with that.
Have a great day everyone. This is our year.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Wow, 2011 is going to be my year, I can just feel it!!!!
I am 42 years old. I am JUST NOW getting started on making the life I have always dreamed of having. No no no, not some lifestyles of the rich and famous kinda rich thing, that's not what I am talking about at all. I am talking about finally throwing the hood up on my life and doing everything from tinkering to major overhaul here.
For years I have thought things like 'man I wish I was more this or that' lately I am finally figuring out in my head and in my heart, that I can make the changes I want to see in my life. Just saying that for years is one thing, but truly believing it in your heart and soul so that you can affectively act on it is something else entirely.
I often wonder, how do other adults seem to have their shit together so well?? I mean, who taught them that??? I still feel like I am 20 years old inside, in so many ways. I guess in some ways that is a really good thing, but in other ways it's going to end up making me that crazy old lady who is really friendly and sweet, but dresses like she doesn't care what anyone thinks, wears her hair way too young for her age, flirts with men wayyyyyyyyyyy too young for her, and just generally behaves like a kid.
And you know what??? I can honestly say that I am pretty damn ok with that.
Have a great day everyone. This is our year.
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