Out rather late last night, running around doing errands I've not had time to run for the past couple of weeks. Get home around 11pm, clean out the coffee maker, set up the coffee for the morning brew, walk into my bedroom and hear "mother f*cker, gd kid like a bull in a china shop, in the f*cking shower for hours wtf!!!!" Now, I am used to this charming man, so I ask "what is wrong" and in answer I get "f*ck you, go to he*l".
Yep, that is what I have lived with for the past 19 years. And yep, that is precisely why I am working my a*s off at more than one job and why I say that 2011 is my year. This is my year, I can feel it.
Ugliness has no place in the home. It makes me incredibly sad to know that so many people out there are living like I have lived for so many years, many of them in much much worse situations and conditions. You don't have to tolerate ugliness or poor treatment.
I have spent so many years excusing mean spirited uncaring and violent treatment. I can't tell you how many hours I have spent telling myself "well he doesn't beat me like some guys beat women, at least it's mostly verbal and only physical sometimes and not nearly as bad as it could be" To tell you the truth, I had no idea there was any other kind of relationship out there. I had totally lost focus on the fact that there are people out there who are loving and gentle with one another, thoughtful and kind. You can get so far down into your rut, your own little version of vanilla hell, that you forget what fairness and reality can be.
I used to get so frustrated and hurt and upset whenever he was ugly or hurtful to me. I just wanted love. I wanted nothing more than peace in my home. I just wanted my family to get along and find peace together. I would cry and lose sleep, trying to figure out how to 'fix' it, how to make him love me, love us. I read books, I talked to counselors, I surfed the web for answers, tips, hints, tricks, advice, ANYTHING to help me make it at least tolerable. I spent 19 years taking responsibility for someone elses happiness, or lack thereof.
It has only been recently, within the last couple of years, that I have started truly and honestly understanding that all of that is not MY problem to fix. This is not all my responsibility, and that in trying so hard and kissing so much as*, I have in fact enabled this person to be the selfish, uncaring, spoiled sh*t of a man that he is. I wasn't 'fixing' anything, I was just enabling him to continue to be as rotten as he'd always been. I felt like an idiot.
But last night, when my concern for what might be wrong with him was greeted with "f*ck you, go to he*l", I didn't cry, I wasn't hurt, it didn't phase me in any way. I just turned around and walked out of the room.
I am finally to a place where I don't let someone else control my happiness or sense of self worth.
And I don't feel like an idiot anymore.