Thursday, January 13, 2011

Karma, She's A Bitch

Ok, so I am known as a huge animal lover and advocate.  In other words, every single person that knows me and has or knows of a dog or cat or any other type of animal that really needs a home will tell me about them or bring them to me in hopes that I will find them a new home.  I've done this for years.  I only recently stopped taking them in because of my friends gifting me with a 6 month old white lab puppy, trying to sooth my heart from my losing the most perfect dog in the world to old age last year.  Of course, my loving friends failed to realize how 'interesting' my life would be with a rambunctious labrador puppy while working two jobs.... Anyhow, I digress........

About 6 years or so ago, I had a beautiful female German Shepherd at the house.  She was the sweetest thing, but no matter how much attention, training and exercise I gave her, she still had so much hyper energy that she just couldn't hardly stand herself.  This manifested itself anytime I had to leave her outside alone for ANY and I do mean ANY length of time.  She would bark.  And bark.  And bark and bark and barkandbarkandbarkandbark and, well, you get the idea.  After trying absolutely everything I could think of, I finally relented and went and purchased a bark control collar.  Now hush, if you understand how they work, you will know that they are much more humane than you would think.  After all, dogs are very clever, and they learn within 5 minutes or less what to do and what not to do and it's all over.  After that you can pull the batteries out and just let them wear the collar and the lesson stays with most of them.

SO, I bring this collar home and wrestle it out of the package (anyone else abhor those damn razor sharp shrink wrap packages, raise your hand) and get busy putting the battery in it.  In walks Mister Wonderful (in case you don't know who he is, please refer back to previous posts about my spousal unit).  He looks at what I am doing, watches me as he pops open a Bud, and says "Wtf did you waste money on now?" to which I replied "It's a bark collar for the Shepherd"  to which he replies "You are a f*cking retard, those things don't work!!"  and I say "It will work, trust me, it will work"

He is now opening and drinking his second beer, comes into the living room, sits on the couch, grabs the collar off of the coffee table, AND SNAPS IT ON HIS NECK.

Now, anyone who has dealt with a brand new plastic squeeze snap, like the ones they use on dog collars, fanny packs etc, knows how incredibly stiff they are when they are brand new.  And this collar is for a BIG dog, therefore it is a BIG thick snap.

So what does Einstein do next??  You guessed it, right as I was yelling "No!!!  Don't do it!!!"  He hauls in a lung full of sweet country air and lets out a loud "WOOOOOOOF".   Now this is where it gets good.

Along with the tell tale 'bleeeep' the collar lets out to tell you it's working comes the most sissified girl squeeling squall I have ever heard emanate from a human being.

*His eyes bulged out of their sockets
*He jerked straight as a board, knocking his beer across the living room
*He began clawing at the collar, trying to get it off of his neck, but the snap was too stiff
*He continued screaming "GET IT OFF!!! GET IT OFF!!! GET IT OFFFFFF!!!"  which, of course, the collar mistook as him saying "WOOOOF!!! WOOOOOF!!! WOOOOOF!!!!"
*He flopped off of the couch and rolled on the floor, banging his head on the coffee table and knocking a chair over, in the meantime, the dog the collar was intended for thinks "Oh boy, a human on the floor, FAIR GAME!!" and this 110 pound dog begins pouncing on him and rolling around on the floor with him while he's shrieking and crying and losing every shred of dignity he ever possessed.    

I was too hysterical to do anything but stand there and point and laugh and try like hell not to pee my pants.  I couln't even see, I had tears flowing so freely.  The safety mechanism finally kicked in and it auto shut off.  Dammit.  He untangled himself from the dog, unsnapped the collar, wiped the drool and tears off of his face, stood up and announced "You crazy Bit*h!!!!  You did that on purpose!!!!"

They have since changed how those collars are made.  The shock they supply isn't nearly as strong as it  used to be.  I still have that original collar, and to this day, I have only to walk past him with that collar, make it beep, and I swear he turns into a quivering puddle of drool and tears.

Good times...ahhhhh gooood times.

Like I said,  Karma, she's a bitch.

The end. 


  1. Bark collar - price $14.95
    Bark collar on a**hole - priceless

  2. Did my comment about procrastination not make the cut? Hope I didn't make you mad.

  3. Girl, that was the best (true) story ever!!

    And yes.....Karma is a big, whonkin' b*tch. =)