Monday, February 28, 2011
I've never liked Christian Bale, but I do want to see The Fighter. The fact that he is in it is what has kept me from seeing it so far. He just irks me for some reason. He seems like he would be a real prick in real life. He gives me the skeezies.
I have a friend that is insanely involved and addicted to this. Goes to all kinds of these festivals, some lasting a weekend, others lasting weeks. Dresses and talks the part. Hangs out with other crazy people that all think they are pyrates and pyrate whores. Yes, that's how they spell it. He was yammering on about it one time and I texted back something and wrote 'pirate' and he immediately corrected me. Uh, ok, duly noted. Hahaha. Wild and crazy group. Spend their time in between festivals making costumes and weapons. He really does all of the fire ball throwing, etc. Crazy shit, man.
I still don't hardly have any eyelashes. That sucks. I may have my issues, but having decent eyes was always something I could count on. Not anymore, not since I got sick. Dang it all. Wonder if any of that expensive lash crap works. Not that I'll ever spend the money to find out.
Have to take Papoose #2 to the doctor at lunch today. School sent home a note to all the kids about what immunizations they need before they will be allowed back in to school on March 1st. Me being the spot on super mom that I am, forgot all about it till this morning. We have had the note for a week. Go me. So today she goes to get her tetanus booster. Yowzer. I'll buy her a milk shake after, maybe that will help. Poor 'Poose.
But it sure did feel good to have at least a little bit of energy back and not feel near death the entire time I was at work. Thankful for that.
So incredibly sore though. Didn't get more than a few hours of sleep this weekend because I was so sore.
Had to call the police on a customer this weekend. That was interesting. Bad man, you-no-assault-The-Real-Deal, Angry Squaw call the po po on you!!!
Worked too late to get to attend a soiree I really really wanted to attend. None too happy about that. None too happy at all. But this is life right now, and to quote a good friend "I don't HAVE to, I GET to". Right on, bruthu.
If you are going to drive at the same speed, or slower than the slow lane, for the love of all that's holy, please move your sorry a*s to the f*cking slow lane!!!!!!!!!
I had a man and a woman come in this weekend that were so dirty filthy nasty that I was the only one that was willing to help them. The guy seemed sort of ok not too vile, the lady was a real bitch and surely didn't seem all there for whatever reason. I mean, I am not being catty when I say that these people smelled so bad you could smell them from 10' away, no joke. He had long nails that were literally black, her hair was so greasy you could see her scalp. I was concerned about them offending other patrons who were trying to enjoy their food, but didn't want to be rude to the man and lady either. I solved the dilemma by telling them that the weather was just perfect for the patio. They thought that was a great idea. I made sure to say the same thing to another group of people that were at another register, trying not to single out the odiferous pair. Where are the people that love these folks enough to make sure they are taking care of themselves? Sad. I have to be honest, I caught myself being irritated and disgusted with them at first. But then I reminded myself that I don't know their story.
At least they paid in cash, and not with the LoneStar card that they probably actually qualified for.
No, I'm not going to start on that again.
On my way home last night, I called Mister Wonderful three times and he ignored my calls. I texted "call me" and he called right away, so I know he had his phone right there and was ignoring me. I told him I was going to stop at the store on the way home and what sounded good for dinner. His response of "I don't give a f*ck!" Not the way you should respond to someone who's logged a 40 hour week in the course of a weekend, haha. Needless to say, momma didn't cook dinner last night.
I listen to all kinds of music. Literally, every kind of music made, I enjoy to some extent. On the way in to work on Sunday mornings I always listen to Classical Guitar on the TCU radio station. Love it.
On the way in to work on Saturday morning I was listening to classical on 101.1 and heard John Williams "Scenes from Star Wars" it was absolutely incredible. Love love loved it!!! It went through movements made up of every bit of music from all the movies. You can't understand how fantastic it was unless you heard it. Wow. The Imperial March was my favorite :-) That, and the music from the cantina/bar scene in the original movie.
The medicine the doc has me on has me eating some weird ass food I normally would never eat together. Everyone at work keeps saying "you want WHAT?" haha
Still really disappointed I missed my get together this weekend :-(
Have a good Monday, all.
Friday, February 25, 2011
To the lady that was in front of me in line at the Family Dollar yesterday:
You had some mighty impressive diamonds on those fingers.
You had some mighty fancy clothing and shoes on that overly tanned body.
That tan was about 10 shades too dark, time to lay off the tanning bed honey. It's unnatural looking. There are probably therapy groups for that kind of addiction.
And I have to tell you, the overly streaked hair is none too flattering with that particular color of fake bake. You need to have your stylist adjust the color wheel on that one. Your hair clashes with your skin. Gross.
The fake nails you had on may have been pretty, had they not been so ridiculously long that you couldn't even function with them. I mean, you nearly dropped your IPhone 4G at least three different times, and could barely manage to pull your LoneStar Card out of your fancy wallet.
Yes, I said LoneStar Card.
You are so welcome, from all of us that go out there and work our asses off every single day to pay the taxes that pay for your free money on that LoneStar Card every month, while you bake your white trash ass in the tanning beds and sit and have your ugly f*cking nails done every couple of weeks.
B*tch, you are part of the problem.
You either NEED the assistance of our tax paying dollars to feed yourself and your children, in which case I am happy to work my ass off and hand my tax dollar to you, hell I'd even cook dinner for you myself....OR, you DON'T NEED assistance because you can obviously afford diamonds and fancy clothes and fake nails and fake hair and fake tans and fake tits and that fancy truck you got into after you finished boiling my blood.
You can't be both. It's one or the other.
The huddled masses.
***Edit here....forgot to mention that our hard earned tax dollars that she gets for free were spent on a huge bag of the individually packaged chips, like for lunches. I never could afford that kind of convenience all the years I packed lunches for my girls. All the rest of the crap in her buggy was junk food as well. Super duper.
Yeah, I have a serious issue with this. I really don't care if you don't agree. I work two jobs and pretty much always have, to make ends meet and take care of what needs taking care of. One of the jobs I used to work was in a little grocery store. I had a couple that came through every week, meth heads. The gal would tell me what order to scan her groceries through in because she could get her plastic wrap and stuff covered by LoneStar if it was scanned through just right. The husband bought hamburger by the uber pounds, because "Goddammit, bastards won't pay for dog food, but they'll pay for hamburger, so that's what I feed him!!". They also bought a couple of cartons of ciggs each week. Trash.
Not only wrong, but a hurtful mean b*tch.
And I hate myself even more when I realize that, and cannot/do not stop myself from being that way and making things worse. I get mad at myself for being that way, but end up taking it out on whoever isn't deserving the whole thing to begin with.
Sometimes I just f*cking hate myself.
If I met me somewhere, sometimes I think I would hate me.
I don't even think therapy can help me.
I'm a sh*tty person sometimes.
I'm sorry, TRD.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
I have a friend that I've known for 18 years or so. She recently found me again on FaceBook. I think I've mentioned her before. The one that was married to the cop husband who hated me or anyone else that took up any of his wifes time? She finally left the jerk off and is living in Nevada again, where she is from. Well, she wanted me to come out there and visit her in July when Job #1 shuts down for vacation, but now she and her cousin have changed that to a trip to Cancun and want me to go with them!!! Ummm, that is quite the leap, no? Going from "hell yeah, you can stay at my place, the trip won't hardly cost you more than the plane ticket!! We will go see the sights and catch up and have fun!!!" to "We're looking for a good deal to go spend a week or so in Cancun, you are totally coming with us!!!" Um, er, uh.....this Squaw can't even afford the hundred bucks for the passport, much less the God knows how much for the trip!!!! Hahahahahaha.
Summer trip plans, aborted. Hehe
Well, unless they come across one INCREDIBLE deal, that is.
Not too much to say today. Need to go make my oatmeal so I can take all my meds that upset my stomach no matter what I try. Ugh.
For the life of me, no matter how I let my imagination run free, I cannot figure out why there would be a spoon in Papoose #2's bathroom. Cooking meth??? On the johnnie long enough to require sustenance?? Really? A spoon in the bathroom? Ugh. I guess sometimes you just don't want to know.
Shrimp linguine in a meyer lemon cream sauce for dinner tonight, oh yeah.
I absolutely love how the kitchen smells when I am peeling cucumbers and radishes etc for salad. Or when I am cutting up melon. That smell just makes me so happy.
***Edit*** The shrimp linguine recipe my dear friend sent me to try turned out amazing!! I mean, it was fast and so simple, and turned out like a page out of a magazine or a plate in a nice restaurant. Super awesome recipe. Thanks you know who!!!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
My cousin sent me a picture he took of Superman walking around Phoenix. Evidently SM had just popped in to the local drug store. Funny sh*t.
Awwww, Jar loved the post I put up for him. Such a big softie ;-) heehee. Gotta love poking Jar with a stick every once in awhile.
My new hair color is growing on me. Papoose #2 still does a double take every time she sees me. MW is having fun making up different crappy things to say about it. So I guess it's entertaining for the whole family.
I like having a seasonal basket of candy on my desk for the people I work with. Makes me happy to see them smile and dig through there for whatever their favorite treat is. Need to get some of the little mini dum dum suckers though, those are a major favorite for a couple people and they didn't have any Easter themed ones at the store yesterday.
Made the most incredible marinated flank steak for dinner yesterday. The marinade is officially my new go to home made bbq sauce. Could have just tipped a cup of that stuff up last night. So good. Took every bit of will power I've got to leave the leftover steak in the fridge for MW, I really wanted to bring that for lunch.
Being stuck behind jerk offs who are paying more attention to talking on their cell phone than they are to driving their car really pisses me off. Look, as*hole, nobody is impressed that you have a cell phone. Every homeless person and three year old in America has one. Now shut the f*ck up and drive the damn Honda Civic, will ya?????
Papoose #2 and her buddy had their early morning meeting again this morning. Evidently it will be every Wednesday. So much for me thinking it was every couple of weeks. At least Romeo was actually awake and ready when we got there today haha. We got stuck behind a bus on the way in. That bus stopped every 25 feet to pick kids up, swear to God I am not exaggerating. Now, I'm sorry, but the bus did NOT do that sh*t when I was a kid. We had to walk to a gathering spot called a BUS STOP and all of us got on the bus in groups. I cannot believe I watched that bus stop every 25 feet, sometimes even more often. F*cking ridiculous. Then there was the trashy woman who waited in her car at the stop, literally THREW her little tiny girl on the bus, couldn't have been more than a few years old so idk why the little thing was being deposited on a bus anyhow, the whole time the trashy mother is yapping on her cell phone. Then I watched her get back in her car and drive probably 50 feet up the driveway to her trailer. Seriously? Gorgeous weather and the bus picks your kid up 50 feet down your driveway and you're going to DRIVE it? Not to mention that when I was behind the bus, it was less than half a mile from the school. Umm, spend some time with your kid and put the effort out to drive her to school maybe? Idk, don't mean to judge, but the way she threw that sweet baby around. On the phone the whole time. People disgust me sometimes.
Done b*tchin for now. Gotta get to work. Rocking out to 80's music on Yahoo music, loving it.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
All in all, I am on 6 different meds right now. Some are temporary, some not. I go back in a couple of weeks to have the lungs checked and some time after that to do the bloodwork again to see how all these happy pills are affecting everything. If we don't get this sh*t in check, I'm going to end up on diabetes meds too.
Why are so many bed head boards made to look like tombstones???? Especially king size ones, like I will buy one day when I have the dough. Ugh.
So, went to Lewisville to get my hair done did on Friday after work. He grabbed me, stuffed me in a comfy chair, said "Cinnamon or Nutmeg" so I thought we were just chatting it up and said "Ummm Nutmeg???" and he started painting crap on my head and putting foil all over the place. We did not have any discussion about anything, he just got down to business. Before I knew it, my hair was a completely different color and although he shaped the ends just a tiny bit and got rid of some splits, I still basically had all my length left. He did a great job, I'm just still deciding if I like it or not. Only problem I have is, my hair is incredibly fine and thin, and I really wanted the chance to discuss a cut with him that would give me some fullness and make it so I can actually DO something with it other than wear it stick straight or up in a pony tail, which is sorta where I'm at still. He was having a bad day though, which I understand, and really wasn't into communicating. Maybe in a couple months we can discuss a cut that I want. When I went to pay him he informed me that my day of beauty had been covered by my dear sweet angel of a friend. How cool is THAT? Holla, girlfriend!!! ;-) I was so shocked that I gave him forty bucks as a tip. I've not ever had anyone cover something like that, and don't have the first clue about etiquette on things like that!!!
On the way out of Lewisville my phone died. I don't mean ran out of battery, I mean gasped it's last breath and went black. I attempted to resuscitate, but to no avail. Rest well, friend, you were a good phone.
Problem is, I stopped by Best Buy to get another phone and Sprint has my account all jacked up and shows I am not due for an upgrade yet. I beg to differ. I KNOW when I got my phone, and still have the receipt. So there I am in Best Buy, on the phone with Sprint for almost an hour, only to find out that the correction to my account requires a manager, and managers don't work on the weekends. The best I could get was a supervisor, and they don't have the access to make such corrections. Yay. I was HOT. But I really didn't feel well enough to really raise hell, so I went home instead. I haven't had a phone since Friday night, right after I got my hair done did. I'm not sure when I will bother to get one at this point.
Traffic was so bad on the way back that I decided to pop in and say hi to The Real Deal. I was unsure about the hair and of course he just kept telling me how beautiful I looked. He is a good guy. Even though I was sorta foul because of the jacked up traffic and my phone dying, he was his usual sweet attentive self and toned my bitchiness down to a dull roar.
When Mister Wonderful saw my hair the next morning he said "WTF did you do to your hair????? Your only redeeming qualities were that you had big boobs and blond hair, now look what you've done" Uh, thanks buddy.
He sure isn't going to benefit from the happy pills the doc put me on, I can tell you THAT much. As*hole.
I've bored you enough for now. I'm out.
Friday, February 18, 2011
I'm getting my hair 'did' for the first time in over a year today. My super duper gf HOOKED A SISTA UP!!!!!
There is just something about getting your hair did that makes you feel good. Ahhhh. I'm trying to get my head around the fact that he will probably tell me we need to cut it all off and start again...
Back to people that obviously have issues and are trying to prove something. What is with the people that do this to themselves? I mean, what are you looking for? What are you calling out for?? What happens to a person in life where they start doing these bizarre things to themselves??
I'm making chinese food for dinner tonight. Oh crap, can't do that, won't be home from my day of beauty in time. Looks like I'm making chinese tomorrow night!
Papoose #1 is talking to me again. I hate when we are on the outs. Doesn't happen often, but we are so close that when it does, it just jacks my whole world up.
Papoose #2 was in an incredibly good mood this morning. Evidently she has a bunch of homework/projects done that aren't even due yet. She was all giddy, talking about how good it feels to have all the weight lifted off of your shoulders. It was sweet.
Oh my....I just read Camping World Truck Series race on ATC's blog, and the first image that popped into my head was of a bunch of pickups with campers on the back, racing around the track!! Fishing poles bungeed to the sides of the camper, the little woman in the back, balancing herself and cooking up some flapjacks. Seriously, that is what popped into my head!!!! Not poking fun Mister Corner, I swear I'm not!! Don't throw anything at me please!! Just cracked myself up with that, is all.
I watched Salt last night. That was a pretty good flick. I was surprised.
I am so pissed off. Just got off the phone with the mortgage company. They have jacked up taking my payment out twice in the past 6 months, and taken it out early before the scheduled date, so it came up insufficient funds on them and messed my account up both times. Now they tell me today that because of that, I can no longer make bank payments, I now have to go through the hassle and extra cost of doing a f*cking western union payment every f*cking month. Nothing to say about the fact that it was THEIR mistake that caused this to happen both times. I am so livid right now, I could just spit nails, I swear to God.
And no, I can't refinance with anyone else, our credit is way too trashed. I am screwed and stuck with these b*stards. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I hate this feeling!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
When I was young, in grade school, I dreamed that some teenagers came to our house and told my mother there was something wrong with this lantern light we had out on our lawn. Once they got her out there, they hit her in the head with a hammer and killed her. Then they came in the house and laid on the floor coloring in my coloring books. I still remember every damn detail of that dream. It really freaked me out. It was the first thing I thought of when my mother had her aneurysm years later.
I have dreamed on two separate occasions about MW getting into a car accident and dying in front of me from horrifically severe head wounds. He was driving my Explorer in both dreams. No, I do not wish this to happen. I was very upset by both dreams.
Speaking of bad dreams, everyone in our family has had at least one terrible dream in which Papoose #2 died in some traumatic way. None of us told the others about the dreams until I finally had one that was SO bad, I literally could not function the next morning and finally had to talk to Mister Wonderful about it. After I told him about my dream, he got this awful look on his face and admitted to having a bad bad dream about her too, one where she died.
In the dream that I had of her, the whole family was on vacation and we were on an outdoor balcony of a skyscraper. There were alot of people milling around, and I looked down and she wasn't next to me. I looked around and saw her on a cement ledge by the edge of the building. I started screaming and running towards her, trying to fight my way through the crowd to get to her before she fell. I didn't make it. I only got hold of her little shoe. She was only a few years old when I had this dream.
Mister Wonderfuls bad dream about her had to do with her drowning. Papoose #1 came to me one night when I was cooking dinner and said she needed to talk to me about a dream she had about her sister that had her very shook up. She dreamed that her sister drowned while they were looking for seashells on the beach. That a big wave came up behind her and pulled her under and she couldn't get to her in time to save her. Neither MW or I had said a peep to Papoose #1 about our dreams. Not one word.
When Papoose #2 was in the fourth grade, I was at work and answered the phone to a hysterical Papoose #1 crying and yelling into the phone about Papoose #2 falling and bleeding and convulsing. They were both at the school. Papoose #1 had a basketball game and Papoose #2 would always hang out at the school with her friends and watch her sister play. The game had not yet started, and Papoose #1 had seen her sister sitting on a high railing outside of the gym and told her to get down before she hurt herself. Not even 5 minutes later, someone is yelling for Papoose #1 to come outside, her sister was hurt. Papoose #2 had been sitting on a railing that ran along a wheelchair ramp next to the stairs leading into the gym. The ramp was 3-4 feet behind her back, the base of the stairs were about 10' or so in front of her. She had hooked her feet behind the next bar down under the one she was sitting on, and in horsing around with her friends, lost her balance and fell head first onto the concrete. Because her feet were hooked under that rail, she had no chance to catch herself or break her fall. She crushed her skull in multiple places, crushed her eye socket, and suffered such a bad concussion that the ambulance that was called refused to treat her, and instead called in the careflight. In waiting for the ambulance, then careflight, she convulsed repeatedly, and was bleeding out of her eyes, mouth and ears. After I got the call, I made the trip from my office to the school, a drive that normally took me about 25 minutes, in about 7 minutes.
She was bad enough that the careflight people would not let me ride with her. Papoose #1 and I made the trip to Cooks in record time again. Everyone on the road gave way to our flashing headlights and let us pass, and the police officers we saw going through Boyd did not give chase. We got to the emergency room and nobody had a positive thing to say to us. Once moved to the ICU, completely unresponsive, we were told that her outlook did not look good. Nobody had anything positive to tell us. While waiting the long hours for something, ANYTHING to happen, I would receive calls from perfect strangers, saying they were praying for her, their family was praying for her, their church was praying for her. After many days of nothing but nurses coming in to check on her and scan after scan, she finally started reacting to us.
She was in incredible pain, and was mean as a snake. She seemed to hate me in a very special and energetic way. She tried to flop out of the bed. She pulled her iv's out until they finally put her little arms on these board things to stop her from hurting herself. Little by little, she seemed to get a little better. I got very good at avoiding her kicks and swinging arm boards when I had to put her on or off the bedpan. Finally, she was well enough for a regular room, even if still not herself and still in incredible pain. She was a stranger to me. It was months before she would regain her personality. But regain it she did. Her neurosurgeon told us at her final visit that in all the years of his practicing, he had NEVER seen anyone with this kind of head injury regain motor skills the way she did, much less regain all of her sense of humor etc. He actually had tears in his eyes when he hugged her goodbye that day. Evidently, the part of her brain that was damaged, the part that the scans showed to be so damaged that even my untrained eye could see the defect, had something to do with her motor skills. They didn't think she would ever tie her shoes or feed herself again.
The first basketball game that Papoose #1 had that Papoose #2 felt well enough to attend, we had dozens of people coming up to us asking if that was the girl who fell. We had people from OUTSIDE of Texas that were there seeing family, that had been involved in praying for her when the doctors had almost given up on her. It was touching to see them react to seeing her. They all needed to hug her or touch her in some way. It was surreal.
She is currently generally a straight A student in the 9th grade, taking every A/P class they have available to her. She plays sports and is the most beastly long distance runner you will ever see. Her sarcasm and quick wit are epic.
And to answer the unasked question, no, nightmares are not the only dreams I have. As a matter of fact, I have had very very few truly bad nightmares in my life. I dream alot, very vivid dreams usually, but rarely have nightmares.
I have heard, though, that fantastically vivid dreams are common in people who are insane.
It seems as though I am not the only one too busy or just too something to blog much. Seems as though all of us are light on postings lately, and comments seem to be scarce as well. Odd, but it makes me feel a little better about just not having it together enough to put words together that make sense. Not that I ever make sense, but hey.
I still haven't watched any of the Oscar nominated films, except for that let down Inception. I guess I'm just not with it. Dang it. I really need to see some of those.
One of the things I don't like about myself, but don't seem to be having much luck at changing: Knowledge of, and any interest in current events. I have tried my whole life to follow what's going on in the world, other countries etc., but just cannot for the life of me garner up much enthusiasm or interest in following it all enough to really have an educated understanding or position on it. I think it's just because I'm just not that intelligent. That has got to be the reason, because I've tried, believe me, I've tried.
I love old things. I love old houses and building, old trees.... I truly adore being in them or near them, wondering what all they have seen or been privy to. I love the character of old buildings and houses. When I am in an old house wandering around, I like to wonder about the first family that called the place home. How happy and proud they must have been of the place. I especially wonder about that when I see old homes run down and uninhabited. Same thing with trees that have been around a long time. Some of my family live in California, right on the doorstep of Yosemite National Park, so I have communed with and been awestruck by those granddaddy trees my whole life. So this from LL's blog makes me sad beyond my ability to explain.
Interesting idea, but I know I get so lazy I would just hit delete, thereby defeating the purpose.
I'm still having a hard time with what's going on with Papoose #2 and I. I go back and forth between having my feelings hurt, and thinking that I really am not a very nice person or mother for lashing out like I do sometimes. I mean, I can't seem to get it right when it comes down to sticking up for myself when I'm feeling hurt or used, and being a nagging b*tcher or whiner. It's a fine line that I have a hard time with, and I realize that.
I really really like this:
Therefore, anytime one or more of us gets sick, it's an automatic that someone needs to hit the store for whatever medicine we may need for relief. That someone is usually me, but last night Mister Wonderful was out and about and I asked him to bring me some Advil. He actually did it!!! He didn't 'forget' like he usually does when asked to do something not directly for himself or his comfort.
Let me tell you something, ok?? Are you paying close attention here????
Never, and I mean NEVER take medicine in the dark without reading what the h*ll you are taking.
There is a distinct difference between Advil and ADVIL PM.
By the time he got home and I stumbled in there to take a couple, it was almost 11:00pm. Although I woke up at 2:00am for some reason and couldn't fall back to sleep for a couple of hours, once I did, I slipped into a near coma. I drooled. That's how knocked out I was.
I don't drool.
By the time the alarm clock went off this morning none of my muscles would react when my brain asked them to. Hell, my brain was having a tough time figuring out what language it should function in to even make the attempt to communicate with my body.
The warm fuzzy blanket that I had slept under had somehow grown in volume until it must have weighed half a ton, I couldn't move it any more than to pull it up over my shoulder and snuggle down into it.
I was finally able to drag my zombie as* out of bed and stumble to the kitchen to make some coffee. Tripped over the cat on the way there and one of LabPups squeaky toys on the way back. Wound up in Papoose #2's bedroom instead of mine, played it off like I was in there to wake her up, wandered back to my room dragging my hand along the wall for support and to attempt to avoid getting lost in my own house again.
I don't remember getting to work.
I think I have all my clothes on, but really couldn't swear to it in a court of law.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
I hate it when I get so mad about something that sh*tty things come out of my mouth (or off of my fingertips, if I am typing it in some fashion). It's like I KNOW I'm being a b*tch or saying mean things, but I just can't make myself stop, no matter what I do. I hate that.
I may have fired off a hurt and/or pissed off message to Papoose #1. The feelings behind the message were all true, my feelings were hurt by her ditching me last minute this weekend and leaving without even saying goodbye, after spending the day with Mister Wonderful and bitching to him, of all people, about the fact that I have actually had the nerve to ask her to pay back some money she borrowed from me.....
And the fact that it does sometimes seem like I only hear from her when she needs something, those are my true feelings on that as well.
But I think maybe I let my emotions get the best of me when I sent that message, and although everything I said in the message was true, I still was sorta pissy and b*tchy in how I said it.
So now I feel bad.
I feel bad that my kids have had to deal with my mood swings throughout their lives, all because I put myself in a situation I was not happy in.
I've tried really hard to be a good mother, but I've also been a moody nightmare too, I am sure.
I'm having a bad day.
I seriously need therapy.
Anyone around the DFW area that is looking for a sweet indoor kitty that is missing a tail, send a message. Haha.
Papoose #1 and I are in a bit of a tiff. Sometimes I feel like she only contacts me when she needs something from me. I know maybe I am being a big baby, but that's how I feel sometimes.
Sometimes my kids act like they really really don't like me very much. Makes me sad, and makes me wonder wth I've managed to do wrong. Maybe I'm just a real b*tch to live with. Maybe I was a sh*tty mother all these years, idk.
Maybe that's why Mister Wonderful hates my guts too. Bleh.
Not trying to be a Debbie Downer today, just having a rough time of it here lately, and having a hard time keeping happy thoughts. This is why I've not blogged much of late. I just don't have any words in me for some reason.
I made Sopapilla Cheesecake last night. Had some cream cheese I wanted to use up, and this is a yummy way to do it. Brought part of them here to the office today. Hey, I'm TRYING to be spunky!!!
I also made homemade potato soup last night. I tried a new recipe for it. Didn't care for it as much as I'd like. Guess I'll just stick with the way I've always made it. Now I have about a gallon of so so soup to eat though.
Wonder if the outside kitties will eat potato soup?
Am I the only one that lets stuff go bad in the fridge because I always want to make something different every night?? Then on the weekends I'm working so many hours, so anything I made at the end of the week doesn't get used. I hate being wasteful. That is one of my habits that I really really hate about myself and need to work harder to change.
I've got some kind of flu bug or something. I woke up yesterday with the most incredible pain in my chest and the most annoying cough. I feel so bad for everyone that had to listen to me all day. Lovely Nurse CoWorker brought me in some sort of pill that, although I only took half of it, made me want to curl up for a napskie on my desk. It wrestled that annoying cough into submission though!! Thank you Nurse Coworker!!
My chest and throat and back hurt so bad from all the coughing. My head feels like it's going to explode. I am either freezing or frying. I never used to get sick, but over the past few years I have been sick alot. It's embarrassing.
Papoose #2 is in a club that has an early morning meeting every so often. Maybe like every couple of weeks. She has one friend that is in the club with her that needs a ride, so we go by and pick him up on meeting mornings. This morning I drug my sick as* out of bed early and actually got out of the house on time to pick him up. We ended up sitting outside of his house for 10 minutes, waiting for him to do his hair. Evidently he didn't set his alarm and only woke up when we got there. I could see him through the front window, gelling and poofing and slicking and what all.....that kid took longer to do his hair than Papoose #2 does. It was hilarious. And yes, we did give him hell for it when he got in the car. Haha.
My boss has been complaining at top volume all morning about how unfair it is to tax the rich to make up for all the bailouts and handouts in the world. I really don't know how to respond to him when he talks to me about things I don't really understand or cannot relate to.
It's kinda like when he kept complaining about the swimming pool he was having installed not being just so to his liking....I've never had a pool. Not only that, but his pool alone cost more than my HOUSE. I just can't relate sometimes, and don't know what to say.
If I didn't feel so sh*tty physically, I would totally want to go buy a pair of flip flops to get some emotional therapy from the other stuff thats going on. Totally. Good thing I don't feel good, I guess. Don't need to be spending money on flip flops right now anyhow. Retail therapy will have to wait.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Papoose #2 went to work with me on Saturday and after I got off we stopped by Ross because she needed a new skirt for church. We also wandered through the shoe section. I have a really hard time finding shoes I can wear, other than flip flops. I wore high heels for so many years that I sorta jacked my feet up and have I guess what you'd call bunions, idk. The bones on the ball of my foot hurt really bad in most enclosed shoes. Anyhow, I always try on random shoes when I find them cheap, and I happened to try on a black pair of tennis shoes. Always on the lookout for those. Need them for Job#2. They were SO comfortable!! Actually fit and were comfortable. So, at ten bucks, I bought them. Papoose #2 tells me 'good for you, mom, you got you some of those shape up type shoes!' Uh, they are? Ok so I guess they are, groovy. I just know they fit and they are SO comfortable. No wonder I kept feeling like I was going to fall off of them when I stepped backwards, you know, that feeling where you tipped your chair too far back and you have that instant where you feel like you're gonna die? Yeah, like that. But then, I'm incredibly clumsy and uncoordinated, so I've been known to fall off of flip flops, for goodness sake. Falling off of tennies isn't exactly a new thing for me.
Anyhow, I never thought those shoes worked and would certainly never pay the hundred bucks most of them cost. But I'll tell you what, I wore those suckers to work yesterday and my legs and butt are SORE today!!! Not gonna complain!!! I do think it's funny though. Of course, I'm easily entertained.
He lives in a really crappy place right now. He was supposed to get moved out by February first but some things happened where he had to put it off till March first. His truck has been broken into right outside his place. He has had major maintenance issues since he has lived there. He has been without water or sewer since just before the big freeze. Staying in hotels alot. When he went to complain about the lack of water and sewer AGAIN, finally the meth head maintenance guy showed up sometime yesterday and 'worked' on it. When TRD got home from work at almost midnight last night, he finds out that he still has no water or sewer, and the guy flooded his little place, including his mattress. Soaked. No dry blankets or bed. Something was also done to his kitty. She is missing. She is protective of the house, and we're thinking he got pissed at her and did something to her. She has gotten out of the house before and never goes far, always home in the yard. This time she is nowhere to be found.
People suck. It's taking everything I can do right now not to leave work and go run someone over with my car. Not joking.
Also this morning, after I dropped Papoose #1 off at school I was waiting my turn to get onto the main road when someone flew through the intersection and cut the corner, completely running over the school zone sign, and I don't mean hit it or winged it, they RAN IT OVER with their whole car. The top part of the sign flew off and hit the ladies car that was in line behind me, really messed it up. The person that hit the sign took off like a shot and didn't even stop.
Yesterday on my way to Job#2 I was on 820 in stop and go traffic like it gets there by the Rufe Snow exit, and saw a car rear end a man in a very nice vehicle. They then zipped off to the right across the grassy area and off to a side road and took off.
I mean, what kind of people DO these things???? My God, how horrible are people???
Thursday, February 10, 2011
As you all know, I am an animal lover. Love all kinds of animals and have spent many years helping to find homes for strays of all kinds.
When I see animals abused in any way, it really pisses me off. I hate it. I hate that people do horrific things to animals and kids and anyone that is unable to fight back or say no.
So maybe I am a bad person, but this seems to be poetic justice, in my opinion.
Papoose #2 and I were very thankful for seat warmers this morning. Nothing like toasty bunz to help you start your day with a smile :-)
Not one, but THREE cars in a row pulled out in front of me this morning, then proceeded to putt along at 40 mph. Silly people.
We still have water, yay!! Keeping the heat lamp running in the super duper insulated pump house, as well as keeping water running from three faucets in the house. Don't tell me it's overkill. After last week, I'm all about overkill, haha.
Why do I always wear my glasses till they are so dirty I'm struggling to see out of them, going around squinting and straining my eyes forever, until my dumb as* finally goes "aha!!! must clean glasses!!" ? Geez.
My grandfather refused to ever use any towel more than once. Not to dry his hands, body, after shaving, nada. At our house you use your towel a coupla times, you know? Especially with two daughters that insist they need one towel to wrap their hair in and another to wrap their body in while they prance around trying to find socks. Or whatever the h*ll it is they wander around doing after a shower.
That pie came out yummy. I mixed some cream cheese with a little sugar and lemon juice and put that on the crust under the berries. Pretty darn tasty. And calorie free, of course ;-)
Yep, it's a brand new beautiful day. I hope everyone has a fantastic day. Take care of yourselves and stay warm. Corner, and anyone else that has to work out in this, take extra care to stay as warm as you can manage.
Thanks for reading, all. Thanks for letting me vent and whine and b*tch and complain.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Everyone says I am strong. Why???
I used to be able to do any damn thing I want to do. Physically. Now, maybe I am getting a little older. Scares me that maybe I don't have as much time to have the life I have dreamt of for so long.
But I will tell you right now, the feel of a huge strong hand around my throat makes me completely homicidal. After I get past the humiliation. F*ck. God it makes me so pissed off and ashamed and pissed off and crazy and just ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Follow me in the master bath...ask for something I WON'T do..toss me around and grab my throat, thinking it will turn me on????? I could spit nails. I could lose my lunch. YOU ARE NOT ANYONE I WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH AT ALL, MUCH LESS DO ANY OF THAT!!!
please leave me alone.
Walking around the house, finish cooking dinner, still feeling those fingers around my throat. I can feel them still. Every time I swallow I feel them still. Deep. Sucks but hey, it's over now.
LabPup has a name. His name is Milo.
He lost his mind when this happened. He got me out of that particular situation by losing his mind. He did not like me being upset and uncomfortable. He lost his mind. It was one of the most amazing things I've ever seen. Good dog, Milo. You are a good dog and I love you. Nice work.
Who would have thought a baby puppy of 10 months would have that in him??? And he is so calm and sweet normally . He loves his momma :)
It's only temporary and I've got backup. I can't tell the Real Deal, or he would kill him. That would totally screw up all of our plans for the future.
Instead, I work so hard to make a life for myself. I stay away from home alot and work. It's all good. This makes me focus like nothing else ever could.
I am pissed off and hate that feeling of my damn throat having fingerprints when I swallow.
This is my journal. I can write what I want to.
My dog kicks ass.
I am pissed off and I don't even know how else to articulate what I am feeling.
I have to go feed Papoose #2 now.
Thank you for letting me vent.
I trust that this will be kept amongst the few people I know read this, and that's it. Thank you.
Just made that yummy strawberry pie for our dessert tonight. That's after we grub our yummy Pernil (Puerto Rican Pork Roast) that is currently spending it's 6 hours in my oven, making my house smell yummilicious!!!
Happy Squaw :)
Didn't bother to go in to work today, since I couldn't tell what the weather might do and didn't want to end up stranded in there, having to drive home with a bunch of yahoos on the road.
I received an email yesterday that made me laugh, cry and say a prayer of thanks all within the 15 seconds it took me to read it. I am amazed at the simple kindness of some people. I want to try harder and harder every day to be so thoughtful and selfless. Thank you, friend. You know who you are. You rock, seriously.
I have to admit that there have been times that I've felt envy for women who get to stay home and take care of their house and make a home and raise their kids. I always wanted to be able to do that, and never have been able to. I hate that I feel envy, I know it's wrong, but sometimes I just can't help it.
I love having days at home. I could totally be a shut in and be ok with that, not even kidding.
I want so badly to simplify life. Stop all the running around and stressing out. Someday I will fix my life where I can have a nice little cabin in the woods, beautiful trees around. Where I can enjoy my favorite hobbies and have time to just breath. To hike. To enjoy life without having to specifically carve time out to do so. Someday I'm going to have that.
I used to be a 911 dispatcher. Back when I still lived in California, where I was born and raised. Did it for quite awhile. Talk about stress. The responsibility that goes along with that in enormous. Especially in a crazy busy place like Monterey Bay California. I was constantly terrified I would lose an officer, that was my biggest fear. As a dispatcher, you have to know where your officer/paramedic/fire fighters are at all times. When they are on a call or even worse, in a pursuit, especially a foot pursuit, I would handle the call all calm cool and collected, but inside I was terrified I would lose track of him and something would happen to him. Between that and the horrific things people did to each other, listening to it when they would call in, and the children calling in......it was too much for me. Every person I worked with was addicted to something. Major crutch users. Horrifically unhealthy and stressed out people. I mean, how can you not be? Nobody calls 911 because they are having a good day.
Well, have to go get this pork roast marinating. I have water this time, I can cook!!!!! Happy Squaw!!!!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Papoose #2 had an away basketball game today. I am STILL waiting for her to get back to the school and need a ride. It is currently 11:13p.m. on a freaking TUESDAY night!!
And they fully expect the kids to function the next day, and all week.
She just texted, and they expect to be at the school and ready for pickup around 11:45!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT IS INSANE!!!
I would pitch a fit and say she can't do basketball or track or any of the other things that keep them out so late on school nights, but I would never limit her that way. She loves it. We deal with it.
She has an early morning, before school meeting, tomorrow, too.
It is what it is.
So, after the 'great freeze that never should have been' last week, I made sure to ask around at work and to anyone I thought could remotely help me figure out where it all went wrong. I mean, I did everything I could think of to avoid losing water or having burst pipes, etc. Left water running from every faucet, left cabinet doors open to let the house heat in, had heat lamps on in the well house, you get the idea.
Well, from talking to all of the men I work with, there are two camps of belief as to why my water froze up all of a sudden in the last little storm.........
Idea #1: The little worthless spigot that is at ground level right outside the well/pump house was too exposed and froze up, causing the whole house to lose water.
Idea #2: The spigot area where the water most likely enters the house is not insulated well where it comes up out of the ground, and that is where the freeze happened.
Either way, it was somewhere from the main water source that froze, because I had water running from every single sink in the house and they all ceased to function at the very same time.
So, I text MW with the news of what I have learned from the men I work with, and he doesn't even acknowledge my text. I call after I get off of work, asking him to make sure to bring hay bales or straw or something to use to help insulate these areas, because I wanted to do it, but I am in my little car and he took the explorer from me, so I have no way of picking the hay or straw up myself....he tells me that he is too busy to stop and bother with hay or straw.
Ok, so I am on my own in trying to avoid another freeze then. Ok, I get it. I am used to this. This has been going on for 20 years now.
But dammit do I want to kill him. So tired of his job, his moods, his irresponsibility, his lack of concern with his home or family making it harder on me to figure out how to do everything. Dammit!!!
He finally came home. Cussing and will barely even listen to me when I try to tell him what the guys at work said may help us keep the house from freezing again.....slamming doors in my face while I am trying to explain what we need to do........and didn't show up with any hay or straw, and he's the one with the truck. Bleh.
In the meantime, he had told me that he wanted salmon and salad for dinner, so I had made it....he wouldn't tell me when he expected to be home, so I had made the dinner and tried to short cook it so it wouldn't be too over done when he got here.
I am a dumb ass.
I need therapy in the worst way. This is f*cking ridiculous.
It's like living with a pissy teenager that has power over your life. Bleh.
Ok, I am done whining now. I have to head outside and do something with my well house and the area of the house where the water comes in.
Like the peeps at work told me to do.
Sorry to bore everyone.
This should be interesting....heehee.
Come on LabPup, let's go do this thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gods grace is when he gives us what we don't deserve, and Gods mercy is when he doesn't give us what we do deserve.
I believe that one thousand percent.
I cut up part of an apple and added it to my oatmeal this morning along with the cinnamon. Whoo dawgies, that was good!!!
So I teased Mister Wonderful last night about not appreciating the things I do for him, because he didn't comment on the soup or sandwich I tried out for dinner last night. Jokingly said "you don't even appreciate me cooking for you, or any of the things I do for you" to which he responded "appreciation is why you have a dog, he appreciates you and thinks you are the most amazing thing in the world, and thats why you work with your boyfriend too, Casanova is all about being nice to you, I'm just not that kind of guy" he said all of this smiling. This is the bizarre life I am living right now. My husband is HAPPY that someone else is taking care of the pesky things he doesn't want to be bothered with, like being sweet to me and making me happy. Fu*king BIZZARRO!!!
Of course, he mentions women he has interest in as well. Man how our relationship has changed. At least I don't have to feel guilty for working towards building the life I want. I still DO feel guilty, but I don't HAVE to.
Papoose #2 decided to surprise MW by cleaning the house and mopping the floors while I cooked dinner last night. She was buzzing around that house and cleaning like a mad woman, trying to get it all done before he got home from work. I jumped in helping her here and there in between dinner stuff, we were really rocking the team work.
When he finally walked in the door, the first thing he did was grab some laundry and head to the laundry room, and when he saw that Papoose #2 had a load of her clothes in the washer he started yelling at her to switch her f*cking laundry over. He stood there screaming that over and over till she got in there to switch it. I told him repeatedly that the load had JUST finished before he walked in, and give her a damn second to get up there from the back of the house where she was sweeping. Jerk.
Whenever ANYTHING in life ticks him off, or he has a bad day, or anything goes wrong in any way, he takes it out fully on the kids and I. Jackass. I finally told him "you know what, assh*le??? That kid in there was so excited to surprise you with a spotless house, and all you did was yell at her and treat her like something you scrape off your shoe. That right there is one of the reasons you will end up a lonely old man" Man was I pissed off. Papoose #2 shrugged it off well and kept a smile on her face as she and I proceeded to enjoy our evening, our dinner, and our clean house :)
I freaking HATE that he is such a sh*tty father, but on the other hand, I am so grateful that both of my daughters have learned at a young age not to take sh*t from sh*tty people. Both of them have already shown their strength in different situations with other people, boyfriends etc, by not letting ANYONE treat them crappy. Thank God. They are strong women NOW. It took me 40 years to learn how to be strong. That is the most embarrassing thing in the world.
But damn I raised some awesome kids. They are my finest accomplishment.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Dessert.........what to make, what to make...................
We have water at the house again. The great thaw occurred sometime while I was at Job#2 Saturday.
I really don't give a crap about football unless it's my team playing. Not in regular season, and not in the Super Bowl.
I was incredibly unimpressed with how Jerry's House handled the entire overblown shindig.
I really like Christina Aguilera and was also incredibly unimpressed with her performance. First of all, I despise it when anyone tries to make a song that doesn't belong to them 'theirs', this even more so when it's our National Anthem. Puleeze Girlfriend....trying so hard to screw with the song that you forget the friggin lyrics?? Really????????
Watching Usher hung up in that rope made me giggle though. You have to know he was pissed at that happening, mister always cool and slick. Teehee.
Fergie looked less skanky than usual for some reason. Sometimes she just looks nasty to me. She looked clean and like she didn't stank yesterday. Maybe it's just me.....
Dumb question?? There was only one set of lights on each of those dancing people....what kind of technology made the lights turn different colors for the different songs? I mean, that was pretty neato chorography on that part, I thought.
Cute commercials for the most part. The one with the Mini Coop with the guy 'cramming it in the boot' bothered me for some reason. Like what he did with the giant sub sandwhich. I mean, I don't get bothered easily, and it didn't 'bother' me, persay...I just thought it was stupid and in poor taste. I guess that's just me.
I'm still surprised and excited every time I turn a tap on and water actually comes out of it. I am not being facetious here, I am being deadly serious. I was only without water for 5 days and I was evidently traumatized enough by it that I get overwhelmed with joy when water comes out of a tap.
I wanted chicken noodle soup for lunch. I had a potato. Thats all I had to grab on the way out the door this morning. :-/
I really don't have any words today. I will get back to work now.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
I listened to certain love songs all my life, wishing that someone could make my cold black heart feel the way those songs bled love............yeah well, someone finally did. And I share him with you all, in small snippets.......
If you had to name your favorite love song of all time......what would it be??
I don't care if it is your favorite love song altogether, or if it is 'the song' for you and your current significant other.....or maybe the love song that still brings tears to your eyes from a former loved and lost significant other.
I'm just curious what makes your knees weak, what can tug your heart right through your shirt and make you pause and think about the most magical time of your life.......
What song does that to you??????????????
Why yes, as a matter of fact I DO listen to a ridiculously wide range of music. I always wanted to be able to take my mother to this concert. I adore it and so did she. It's amazing, angelic. I don't care what kind of music you normally listen to, sometimes there's stuff you just need to hear. Just listen to it, dammit.
So, I've been melting snow since Tuesday, so that I have enough water to make the toilets flush. To add to that, I started having random teenagers show up at my house, literally out of the woods from every direction, starting Tuesday afternoon. I love for the house to be full of the Papoose's friends. I do. They are incredible. But man does that make for alot of work to feed them without any running water, and the whole toilet thing......whew!!!
The thing that pisses me off most, is the fact that I've had a forced few days off, and can't even accomplish anything around the house. I can't hardly clean, no water. Can't do laundry, no water. My all time favorite thing to do when I actually get some time at home to myself is to cook, and that is nearly impossible with no water. Can't even do dishes and that cuts into the whole cooking gig too.
But I have to say, I have thoroughly enjoyed having all of the kids here, and had a helluva time playing outside with LabPup. It has been forever since I've actually been home all day and evening, much less FOUR of them in a row!!
I feel like the most worthless lazy ass in the universe right now. Just not used to this.
I do not have one single clean spoon in my house right now. Must correct this first thing in the morning, before I leave for Job#2. I think I will melt snow to soak the dishes in, then scrub them with a scrubbie, then I will use the good water to heat and make dishwater and to rinse as well. I finally have enough good water inhouse to do so.
My OldLadyWhosHadTwoKids bladder has really held strong throughout the whole 'OMG I don't want to have to pee yet, because I have to do the whole pour water in the toilet to get it to flush then melt more snow to replace the used water thing'. Proud of you, bladder. Nicely played.
I would like to give a shout out to the people I have spent the evening chatting with. You are all good people and you just don't know how refreshing it is to engage in the light hearted bantering we shared tonight. It was needed in so many ways, thanks.
That right there is my therapy, my friends. The BEST therapy.
Natural Born Killers is an awful movie.
So was Inception.
I know they have nothing in common, but this crap just swirls around in my mind.
Mess, how are you and the coach doing, hon??? Think of you guys very often.
I busted my ass more than once this week, in my ventures out to play and also to get snow to melt on the stove. At first LabPup thought I was playing, but he figured out pretty quickly that it was no laughing matter when my fat ass went down, and the last time it happened, even came and leaned into me to help me pull myself up. That is damn cool, I don't care what you think.
Mister Wonderful was trying to help one of his guys get his truck unstuck and had to run to the side when a board placed under the tires shot out of the rut...he fell on the ice and hurt his shoulder really bad. Dammit if I don't feel awful for the pr*ck.
Now I have to go and look up all the movies that are nominated for the Oscars this year. I don't even WATCH this stuff.... but I need to do my homework, if I am to attend a party thats all about the damn things......I hope all my friends show up :) I know there will be good food. It's going to be a blast! Drinks, too. *Sigh* Yet another downer of being an adult.........you get to go to a party, but you have HOMEWORK!!!! Hahaha. Kidding.