Monday, March 26, 2012


I cannot believe how unbelievably incredibly indescribably happy I am in my life now.  I find myself wondering why I didn't let go and make these changes sooner, but then I realize that it had to happen in it's own time, or it wouldn't be as perfect as it all is now.

The life I am living for ME has begun.  It's started.  I'm so stoked.  Every day I wake up in my own dream life.  I still pinch myself.  I can't believe, after all the heartache, trials and suffering, this wonderful life is mine, every day, every night, every minute.  I am so blessed.

Molly The Cunt contacted Mister Wonderful, trying to get him to hook up with her again.  Uh, girlfriend??? Figure it out, even MW has better taste, once he spent a little 'quality one on one' time with you.  Move on. Jesus.  If you don't want to be treated like a cheap tramp, stop behaving and living like one.  Little word of advice.  Yeah, of COURSE he told you to go pump sand.  You were nothing but a fucking cancer to this whole family, worthless bitch.  He can do so much better than you, get over it.  Anyone that lives a life where they have to change their cell number on a regular basis because they fuck so many people over and piss so many people off really needs to reevaluate their life and person.  Psycho slut.

I've moved in with The Real Deal.  It's fabulous.  Of course, moving AGAIN is no fun, but at least it's just across the street this time, hehe.  It's funny to watch his VERY bachelor pad becoming a home.  We're getting there.  Each day he walks around, checking out the changes and additions, throwing out compliments and sometimes questions like "damn, so that's what that's for??"  haha.  Silly man.

I'm going to miss my cottage, because everything was brand new in it, from the fixtures to the blinds to the carpet to the appliances.....and this is not the case at TRD's house, but who cares, it's nothing but a thing.

Papoose #1 sold her car.  Without having another one to replace it.  Yeah, call it a life lesson.  This could get very interesting.  ***Edit:  Totally forgot to add that Mister Wonderful is trying to talk her into getting a PT CRUISER!!!!  I nearly died laughing when she told me that.  Of all the cars.......

Papoose #2 went with our friends to a horse show this weekend, and showed my horse, rather than her own. Let's just say, my horse is a different caliber than hers haha.  They did fantastic and had a blast.  I wish I could have been there, but had so much to do and had to work a couple stores off and on as well, since we're a bit short staffed right now, with all the expansion we're involved in.  There is always the next show. Plus, we are all taking our own horses to a weekend long clinic this weekend that is sure to be an absolute blast!!!!

Hey commenters?????  I hope you have fun with all your nasty comments.  Sucks to be so jealous of someone that you have to lash out like that, huh?  Feel so sorry for you and how pathetic your lives must be. Poor poor things.  Bless your hearts.

The jalopy is nearly paid off.  Pretty soon I will be able to get serious about getting it all fixed up.  Super excited about that!!!!!!!!  I don't want a new car.  I love my jalopy and have yet to find one that I like the looks of more than this one.  It's going to be a freaking blast getting it all fixed up.  Eeeeeeeeee!!!!

I can't believe how much weight I've lost through this whole adventure.  First, it started falling off because I was so stressed out and upset I wasn't eating.  Then I stopped drinking beer for good too.  Now I think it's still falling off because I'm so calm and content and NOT stressed out.  Starting my training again around the beginning of May.  I'm taking April to start running again and working out on my own.  The trainer I'm going to starts out so hot and heavy, no intro, that I don't dare start in there till I'm at least back to running a couple miles and a little strength training under my belt.  I've let myself get so out of shape!!!!

I hate eating breakfast.  I mean, I LOVE breakfast, but hate eating any time before 10am.  Just loathe it, and have to force myself to eat my oatmeal or whatever every single day when I'm working out and shaping up. You just can't do it if you skip that in the morning, and it HAS to be before 9am, so I have to totally choke it down.  Blerg.  Ick.  Hate eating early on in the day, and always will.  Meh.

Ok, I've bored you all enough.  Have a great day everyone.

Hell Yeah

No, Anony from Friday, I will not be posting your ugly comments.  But only for the mere reason that you are WRONG and have no idea what you are talking about.  So go fuck yourself.

***Edit:  Oh, and yeah, Anony????  Remember how we can see who visits our blog??? Well, um, yeah, we can also see where you are commenting from, you stupid pig.  SANTA CRUZ CALIFORNIA, HELLLOOOOOOOOOOOOO  CUNTVILLE!!  And all your fucked up family and friends that support you in your fucked up using way of life, too!!!!!  HAHAHAHAHA

Can see you other Anonys too, silly gooses.

Friday, March 23, 2012

My Coin Toss

When you are struggling to make a tough or confusing decision, toss a coin in the air.  It's not that the coin will make the decision for you, it's that, in the second that the coin is in the air, you will know without a doubt which side you want it to land on, what it is that you want most in your heart.

There are many different variances on the above quote, but that is mine.  I don't know why it's been so hard for me to just do what makes me feel good in this life.  I've always put others wants, needs and happiness before my own, by my own choice.  I thought that was what I was supposed to do.  Besides, I've always had something sad inside of me, something that made me believe I was damaged in some intrinsic way, and that I was actually incapable of feeling true happiness.  Not a pity party type of feeling, it was always just.....there. So I lived my life the way I thought I was "supposed" to live it, for 43 years.

I have never been happy with myself as a person.  Never.  Not for one minute.  I've spent my whole life searching and struggling, trying to figure out why I couldn't just be the better, nicer, more giving, happier, just honestly better person inside.  I tried everything I could think of to make myself feel "normal" inside.  But I still was always lacking something inside.  I was still always disappointed and disgusted with the person I really was.

I've tried people, hobbies, activities, research and reading self help books, religion, risky behavior, thrill seeking, positive self talk, making promises to myself that I would just "be better".....but none of that ever helped.  All the self talk and just deciding to be a better person, no matter how I went about it or how dedicated I was, none of it REALLY worked inside.  Inside I was still, me.

People around me have suffered because of my feelings about myself.  I've either treated them too good and spoiled them to reality in ways, or I've taken my disappointment and frustration with myself out on them.  Everyone close to me has paid the price for my inadequacies and unhappiness.  Mister Wonderful, both of my dear sweet Papooses, The Real Deal, my mother when she was alive, friends.......which of course in turn made me hate myself all the more.

I was just so confused and befuddled.  How the fuck does a person live like that for 43 years without figuring out SOME way to fix themselves???  I honestly don't know, but I did it.

You all know the dark times, pain and struggle I have gone through over the last several months, nay years.

There was one point, during the whole Mister Wonderful/The Cunt fiasco where I truly thought I was at the absolute worst of the worst in my life, the deepest abyss imaginable.

I was wrong.

Something happened this past weekend that shook me to the core of my very being, and made any thought of the future literally draw nothing but a blank black wall, no matter how I tried to get around it and force my thoughts through to find a different path.

The hours that passed while my coin was in the air were the most terrifying of my life.  During that time, I truly and without a doubt knew, just KNEW in my heart and soul which side I wanted the coin to land on.  And everything went quiet inside.

I take this particular event as a blessing.   As shocking and painful and unbelievable as it was, it was a blessing.  It was the wake up call that I evidently needed to get my mind right and finally make crystal clear what my priorities are and what I truly want in life.  It was the sharpest blow that could have ever happened, and it was a blessing.

My mind is clear.  My heart is clear and honest.  I am more serene, honestly serene and content inside my skin, than I have ever been in my life.  It's not a phase, I truly am a different person inside.  It is an absolute miracle.

I never thought I would be capable or deserving of feeling this inner peace, this happiness with self and contentment with where I am in life and where I'm going.  I had no idea I was capable.

So this is how it feels to be happy, truly happy, within oneself.

All the unease, pain, insecurity, frustration, confusion, guilt, yearning and self loathing that I've lived with for as long as I can remember is just..............gone.  This earth shattering thing that happened was the slap in the face, the lesson in humility, heart wrenching reality of losing what you just now realized is, without any shred of a doubt, the most important thing that has ever been in your life......this, this wicked painful awful thing, is what I needed, after all, to grow up, for everything to just, balance.

A calm sea.  A soft tongue and gentle heart.  A smiling face.  A content and happy mind at night when I lay my head on the pillow.  A crystal clear vision of what I really want out of the future.  The absolute undeniable knowledge of what I want more than anything in the world, what is most important to me.  Patience and empathy for everyone around me.  Patience and love for myself.  These are the things that the horrible thing brought to me.  So it was a blessing.

I am no longer The Angry Squaw.  That person has finally given in to the better person that has always been inside of me.  The one that I just had no clue how to bring out on my own, so I trod hard on life, fighting everything every step of the way, not knowing what I wanted or how to get it.

Anyhow, all this rambling is just a fuzzy attempt at explaining the things that have come out of my dark place, my dark places and times.

I am happy.  I like me.  And that, my friends, is all that matters to me anymore.

Have a wonderful weekend all.

Thanks for reading my words all these months.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Phone Brought Back Into Custody

Damn thing made a good run for it, but didn't quite get away from me.   Remember I forgot I had put my phone on top of the jalopy while I pulled stray dogs out of there?  Phone was missing all day Wednesday, then after I picked Papoose #2 up from the trainers that night, we went and walked the highway where come to find out, Papoose #2 "thought she saw something fly off the car" but failed to mention it at the time  :-/  and low and behold, we found the bastard!!!  The battery had been nearly dead even the night before, but it hung on long enough to light the screen up when Papoose #2 called it. Ringer was off but it lit up where she spotted it in the long grass on the side of the highway.  The cheapo hand me down cover I had on it actually saved the phone. Not a scratch on the phone, screen wasn't cracked or shattered.  The cover has such bad road rash on it that it's nearly worn through in spots, but it did it's job.  Hurray for the two for a dollar phone cases Papoose #1 ordered from China or somewhere a couple years ago, then handed down to Papoose #2 who then handed it down to me when she got a new, cuter case.  It's ugly as sin, but obviously works!!

Bought a new alarm clock last night, since mine refuses to work anymore.  I hate the new one.

Did buy some new face primer while I was at the store last night, and I think I'm really going to like it. The new Revlon Photoready Primer.  I was going to get the Loreal one I usually buy, saw this other one, looked up the reviews on one vs the other on my handy dandy smart phone and opted to try the Revlon one.  So far, me likey.

Aren't we spoiled, having so much at our fingertips at all times with these phones and computers?  We really are.  Not always a good thing, but not always a bad thing either.

There are a few people that don't speak to me around this joint anymore.  I wonder why?  Oh well.  Life goes on.

The drama and pain of these past weeks has really taken a toll on me.  I'm exhausted.  I can't wait to catch up on a little stress free, tear free rest this weekend.  Have horse stuff all day tomorrow, but Sunday is looking promising.

Everything has been quite pleasant this week at the tepee.  It's been sort of twilight zoney, but pleasant nonetheless.  Like having my old comfortable routine back.  Next week it's back to my cottage and the long ass drive to and from work.  The gas is killing me, but it is what it is.  I'll be back on the schedule for a few hours next week at Job #2, hopefully that will help make up for some of the gas money I'm burning up living down there.

I miss The Real Deal.  He has been keeping busy while I've been gone though.  Spending 16 hour days at both locations, trying to keep everyone pulling their weight.  Working his ass off.  He's damn good at what he does.

I still fail to see the attraction to pop tarts or energy drinks.  Bleh.

Gotta get some work done now.

Have a great weekend, all.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

“There is neither happiness nor unhappiness in this world; there is only the comparison of one state with another. Only a man who has felt ultimate despair is capable of feeling ultimate bliss. It is necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live…the sum of all human wisdom will be contained in these two words: Wait and Hope.”

- Alexandre Dumas

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

I Have A Pointy Chin

So The Real Deal had me take the night off from Job #2 last night so that I wouldn't have to ask Mister Wonderful to pick Papoose #2 up from the trainers again, because he got so livid with me when I had to ask him to Monday night.

Papoose #2 put in her request for dinner and while I was cooking there was a knock at the door.  Papoose #2 opens it and there stand two of our neighbor kids, holding two little poodle/shit tzu looking mix dogs.  Cute friendly little dogs.  They were asking if we knew who the dogs belonged to, we did not, Papoose #2 said she would go walking with them around the hood to see if they could figure out who the dogs belong to.  Now, our road is a notorious dump spot for dogs, so I knew the story before the kids ever got back to the house.  I knew they didn't belong to anyone in our area.

I look out the kitchen window, and Papoose #2 has them in the yard feeding them.  Uh, yeah.  Now they won't leave.  VERY cute and VERY friendly little things, BUT..........

They ran around outside all around the house, chasing cats and barking their fool heads off ALL NIGHT LONG.  None of us got any sleep at all.   Then my alarm didn't go off, so Papoose #2 comes in and wakes me up from my whopping 45 minutes of sleep I finally managed to get and we are running around the house getting ready so we won't be late to the trainers and work.  We get ready in record time and run out and load up in the car.  While I'm putting my purse and lunch bag in the back seat, the two little furball strays jump in my car.  So I had my phone in my hand and sat it on top of the car while I drag the two filthy muddy little things out of the jalopy.  You see where this is going???

Yeah, we were in such a hurry that I forgot my cell on top of the car.  I got all the way to the trainers before I realized it.  Drove back slowly retracing where we'd been, hoping to see it on the side of the road somewhere or something, but no such luck.  It's gone.  To top it off, even if I HAD the $100.00 for the deductible on my insurance, I will be dropped from the insurance because I've already used it within the last 12 months when my phone had a brain fart and died late last year.  So yeah, I'm none too happy with those little bastard dogs, and SOMETHING better happen where they aren't at the house tonight, because no amount of cute and sweet is going to make up for me not getting any sleep all night and then being without a phone for God knows how long because I don't have the money to buy a new one!!!  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..........

I work Job #2 tonight.  Actually looking forward to that.  I had fun Monday night with the crew that showed up to play.

We have another parade this Saturday, for St. Patrick's Day.  I have no idea where it is at.  I've been so out of it with all the MW/TC drama, pain and mess that I've lost all track of my real life.  I haven't driven my horse since the show in January, so this could prove to be, ummm, eventful.

Papoose #2 is riding and working with thirty thousand dollar horses on a daily basis.  That is pretty mind boggling, isn't it?  To think that so many people can't afford to pay their rent, and other people buy things like cutting horses for a hobby and can afford to pay 30-50k cash for them?  Astounding.  Nice fucking horses though, I'll tell you what.  Whooooeeeee are they ever nice.

I was taking the trash out at The Real Deals place weekend before last, after dark, and I didn't see a hose that was in the grass, tangled my foot up in it, tripped and fell and smacked my chin on the only piece of wood in the whole yard.  Split my chin open and chipped the bone in my chin.  The knot from it is still there. I wonder if that will ever go away, or if I'm going to have a deformed chin from now on?

It's funny how differently people treat you, based on how you look.  I've been heavy and I've been thin, and it is amazing the dramatic difference in how people treat me, depending on where I'm at with that.  As a matter of fact, I've experienced guys wanting to "be my friend" when I am thin, but stopped talking to me when I put some weight on.  I'm so grateful I'm getting rid of the extra weight I had put on over the past months.  I feel so much better, getting back to normal.  Now I just have to get back to working out.  Get off my lazy ass.

Well, I'm done boring the three people that read this thing now.

Getting back to work now.

Take care of yourselves, all.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Tuesday Stuff

Papoose #2 had a FANTASTIC first day with the horse trainer she's interning with yesterday.  She was so excited, she couldn't even get all the stories out of her mouth in a straight line, it was wonderful to listen to her!! She is meeting incredible people and will have so many new doors opened for her, opportunities that most people never see. I am beyond happy and excited for her.  She's tacking up, warming up, cooling down, bathing, grooming, and working horses for him.  She will end up helping to train.  Plus, she is learning to ride cutting horses for him as he trains them, she will also be learning the mounted shooting competitions and so many other things.  He and his mother (partners) really like her and have sort of adopted her, turning her into more of a protege and part of the family, rather than just an intern, which is just fine by this old cranky Squaw!!!!

My medicine keeps me from being able to sleep at night.  I have to take it twice a day.  I've been taking it around 8am and 3pm, knowing if I take the last dose too late it will keep me up.  But now that I'm STILL not getting any sleep, I think I need to move the last dose even earlier, and I'm afraid of how that will affect my evenings, will it last or what?  Idk.  I guess I'll try it out for a week and see if I can get some rest.  It's odd the way it effects me.  I lay there exhausted, but incredibly clear headed and cannot doze off.  The best I do is that half sleep thing where you're still aware of everything around you, every sound and movement etc.  Then when I do finally doze off a little deeper, I have horrific nightmares.  So.  Hmmm.

I had to ask Mister Wonderful if he would mind picking Papoose #2 up from the trainers last night, since she had to stay there later than expected and I had to be to Job #2 by 6pm.  He exploded on me about it and told me how much he hated me and on and on.  It shocked me, was totally out of the blue.  I guess he is hurting from the realization of what a mess he caused of his life by running us all through the ringer because of his 'true love' with The Cunt, and then she turned out to be a major piece of shit and nothing like the true love perfect soul mate he thought she was going to be, so he is taking that out on me through his hatred.  Whatever you need to do buddy.  Nothing I can do about it.  Surely not going to kiss your ass to try to make you like me.  I'm just going to go on being me and let the chips fall where they may.

Had an absolute blast at Job #2 last night.  It was one of the poker tournament nights and the first one I've worked.  The Real Deal and I tag teamed it and it went off without a hitch.  So fun.  Good to see TRD too, since we don't really see much of each other anymore.  Good times.  And got some hours on the old paycheck, too.  Can't complain about that combo!!!!

Well, I really don't have much to say.  Well, I DO, but since I have all my new prying eyes, I have to be a bit less candid in my postings for now.  Not forever, just for now, out of respect for some, and for my own privacy for other reasons.

Have a great day all.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Did We Even HAVE A Weekend????

I sat down at my desk this morning and thought to myself "What the hell am I doing here again already?"  It really doesn't feel like I had a  weekend at all, and there is really no reason for it.  I mean, I didn't even DO anything of consequence all day yesterday, so it's not like I was so rushed that my weekend was stolen or anything.  Idk, I guess it's just because my brain is still in a daze from all the things that have happened over the past few months.

I feel like I'm fighting my way out of a cave of cobwebs.  But at least I'm feeling like my head is somewhat in working order now.  Starting to be, anyhow.

So Mister Wonderful didn't end up going to California to see The Cunt for his vacation after all.

He brought her here.

Yep.  For some reason he didn't think that Papoose #2 and I would figure out what he was up to.  She flew in Monday March 5th.  Mister Wonderful didn't intend to tell either Papoose #2 or I that she was here, or that he would not be at the house with Papoose #2 for SEVEN DAYS.  I knew by instinct exactly what was  up on Monday before she even got here.  Yeah, once it all came out and I was asking him what the hell he was thinking, planning to just move out on our daughter for the seven days his whore was here, he said "Well, she's always busy and has stuff going on, she won't even notice I'm not here" WHAT THE FUCK???????????????????   Yeah, I told him "You've got about 10 minutes to tell her, or I will".  He told her that The Cunt was here for a whole week so they could enjoy each other and make sure that what they feel really is love and that they really do want to live together and be together forever.

However, this was Tuesday afternoon he told her all this.  He had just picked TC up at 330 the day before.  He was ALREADY going nuts from being with her.  He stayed at the house with me all day Tuesday, after showing up at 6 am after spending the night with TC.  I had gone over to stay with Papoose #2 at the house once I figured out what he was up to Monday night and that he didn't intend to be home with our daughter all week.  He told me everything about what had been going on for months with them long distance, everything about what happened between them when she was living here in our home, everything about how he realized what a colossal mistake he had made by ever hooking up with her and continuing this whole 'romance' and bringing her back out here.  It was quite interesting.

Evidently, he learned that she was everything I told him she was, and then some.  She drove him batshit crazy.  And he had SEVEN GLORIOUS DAYS OF HER COMPANY staring him in the face.  It was all he could do to leave Papoose #2 and I at the house and go back down to his buddys house where he had her holed up.  But go he did.  He said that this was his mess he created, and he had to be the one to clean it up.

Then Thursday MW and I were supposed to go to Papoose #2's track meet.  This was a big thing, because with the hours he works he never gets to see her run, so being on vacation this was his one chance to see her run.  Well, TC spent the whole day telling him hopefully it will rain so he wouldn't go to his daughters meet, and could stay there with her.  Yeah, that sat well with him.  Not.

Anyhow, it was a nightmare of an emotional week for all of us, and the bitch finally took off and ran away early.  Left out on Saturday instead of waiting for her scheduled return flight this evening.  MW had taken her to Dallas for a romantic fun filled tourist day Friday, then took her out partying with his buddies over there Friday night.  The problem with that is, he had given me his word that I didn't need to go to the house that night because he was planning on being there by 7pm at the latest to spend the evening with Papoose #2.  So yeah, he blew her off and didn't call or show up.  I had gone ahead and headed over there when I heard from him that they were out drinking with his friends.  I know him well enough to know he was going to completely blow the kid off.  And he did.  Well, until midnight that is.  He rolled up sometime between 11 and midnight finally, but only after I raised three kinds of hell with both he AND The Cunt via text, and a call or two he FINALLY picked up and answered later on that night.

So, I was a total bitch and messed up their night, nay their whole week, by not giving MW any time to really 'explore his feelings for her' but I really don't regret it.  That bitch would have been a cancer to him and this whole family, had he thought there was ANY chance he wanted to be with her.  But he knew better than that after less than 24 hours with the crazy cunt!!!!!   Hell, he barely made 12 hours straight with her before he was ready to bail, and part of those were spent sleeping!!!!!

So he showed up Friday night around midnight, built us a fire in the fireplace after he got over wanting to kill me for being such a bitch and driving him insane all night, and everyone crashed out.  The next morning I took Papoose #2 to the church, where they had some painting and things to do with the youth group.  Then I headed on home to the cottage.  Mister Wonderful would not answer any of my texts or calls all day Saturday and most of the day Sunday.  I needed to talk to him about the plans for Papoose #2 and I this week, since she's on spring break.  Finally he answered the phone with a "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?????"  So of course, instead of being an adult and ignoring that and going on with the conversation I had intended to have, I lashed out and started pushing his buttons. Wrong, I know, but I had zero self control, so shoot me.   Anyhow, it comes out in his yelling and cussing that no, he was not with TC, that in fact he was at the house.  I'm like YOU BETTER NOT HAVE THAT WHORE IN OUR HOUSE to which he replied with some pretty detailed sexual descriptions of what they were actually doing right then in my house........before telling me "Actually, I have no fucking idea where Molly is.  She took off".

Imagine my surprise  :-D

Evidently, between the bashing I gave her Friday night, the fact that I let her know exactly how everyone, INCLUDING MW felt about her, and the texts that I found out Papoose #2 had sent her Saturday morning, telling her exactly how she felt about her and what she has done to our family and lives, Little Miss Worthless decided to high tail it back to the cesspool from whence she came.  She woke MW's buddy up Saturday morning and asked him to take her to the airport.   He loaded her up, took her to the airport, dumped her off and drove all the way home before he even bothered to let MW know the bitch was gone.  That's how bad she was driving his buddy nuts too, evidently.  Not even a call was made to warn MW she was running away, the buddy wanted her out so bad.  Yeah, she makes friends and wins people over everywhere she goes, that one!!!!

So MW got to have at least the one weekend of his vacation to relax and play video games and not be driven insane by a clingy 43 year old who lives and behaves like a trashy 16 year old.

Of course, he was pissed off at me over it all.  It's all my fault etc.  But he knows I did him a fucking favor, so he can get over it.  And he has gotten over it.  Ridiculously quickly, actually.  He REALLY didn't like her once he was with her constantly and it wasn't the naughty sneaking behind The Squaws back thing and it was actually in person and not on the phone or text.  I mean he REALLLLLLLLLLLY didn't like her.  Haha.

I really actually felt bad for him all week, hearing him complain, because I know the man, after all these years together, and I know how she is, and I KNEW what kind of hell he was in, dealing 24/7 with someone like her.  Heeheeeheeeeee.

He didn't have much good to say about her last night while we made dinner etc, thats for sure.  Just massively relieved that she's gone.

Hopefully for good.

Now maybe we can get on with our divorce and our family can heal and learn how to be ok with the new dynamics of it all............

I hope the bastard didn't catch anything.........

Friday, March 9, 2012

Finally Fucking Friday

Many times we are wronged or see loved ones wronged, and although we know fully the laws of sowing and reaping, it's not very often we actually get to SEE it happen. I must admit, in this particular case, I'm grabbing the popcorn and enjoying the show. Karma, gotta love it!!!

We have a ton of new opportunities coming to us, falling into our laps, with Job #2.  It is incredibly exciting, and it's happening FAST!!!  This could be so good for all of us that have been working so hard to make this thing work.

I haven't been able to work at Job #2 for months now, because I've been in the dark place and emotionally and mentally completely unable to do more than put one foot in front of the other and force myself through each day.  There was no way I could be trusted to deal with the public.  The Real Deal kept me out of it and just wanted me to simplify my life as much as possible to give myself the best chance possible to deal with all of the bad things going on in my life and heal as a person.

He is a dear friend, a good man, and has tried to give me my space while still being supportive.  I don't think very many people realize just how sharp a cliff that is to walk for someone watching someone they love going through what I've been going through.  He gets many many brownie points for trying so hard, that's for sure. He has paid many prices and taken a lot of shit from me through all of this.  I'm lucky he is still here.

But he IS still here, thank God.  We may be nothing more than dear friends right now, but that's ok.  That's what I need right now, someone I can trust and that will just be there and love me till I navigate my way through all of this.

I think my body is somewhat adjusting to my new meds now.  I don't have cotton mouth nearly as bad, and my contacts aren't hurting me as much since my eyes aren't as dry.  Fingers crossed.

I absolutely hate the feeling of knowing my dear friend Sherri deals with all the bullshit she deals with, and the enemy she is battling is not one that we can control and beat.  That helplessness is the shittiest feeling ever. She is such a strong and incredible woman.

Next week is spring break.  Papoose #2 will be starting an internship with and incredibly talented horse trainer near the tepee.  I will need to get her there before I come to work at Job #1 and pick her up as soon as I get off every day.  It will be a bit hard on me, but she is so freaking excited about it, and it is SUCH an incredible opportunity, that there is no way in this world I would let her miss out on it.

I may end up staying over at the tepee some next week, so my mornings don't have to start quite so early. Still deciding on that.

It feels good to not be feeling the crushing weight on my chest anymore.  It has lightened up significantly.
Thank God.

I haven't laid eyes on Papoose #1 for weeks, except for working with her at Job #2 this past Sunday.  I felt ready to be out in public, so I toodled the jalopy down there for a breakfast taco first thing in the morning and they got hit with such an incredible rush of people I jumped in to help and ended up working till late that night. Papoose #1 was scheduled in at 5, so in between being incredibly busy, I got to give her a hug and tell her I loved her. That's about all we managed, we were SO slammed all day and night without any letup.  Good for business though.  Glad to see she's alive and seems happy.

Papoose #1 has always been very artistic, and lately she has been drawing tattoos for people and now is learning to actually tattoo and do piercings.  Freaking gross to think of actually doing that, but she is really enjoying it as a hobby so more power to her.

Ok, I'm all tuckered out.  Just now getting this brain to reengage and form thoughts that are even semi coherent to anyone outside my head.

Have a good day, all, and remember, always embrace the reality of karma.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

As The Tepee Turns

I am living proof that a person really can live without a heart inside of them, after it's been ripped out time and time again.

I'm still trying to breath, trying to work through all of the things that have been happening.

I think I'm gonna live.