My Coin Toss

When you are struggling to make a tough or confusing decision, toss a coin in the air.  It's not that the coin will make the decision for you, it's that, in the second that the coin is in the air, you will know without a doubt which side you want it to land on, what it is that you want most in your heart.

There are many different variances on the above quote, but that is mine.  I don't know why it's been so hard for me to just do what makes me feel good in this life.  I've always put others wants, needs and happiness before my own, by my own choice.  I thought that was what I was supposed to do.  Besides, I've always had something sad inside of me, something that made me believe I was damaged in some intrinsic way, and that I was actually incapable of feeling true happiness.  Not a pity party type of feeling, it was always just.....there. So I lived my life the way I thought I was "supposed" to live it, for 43 years.

I have never been happy with myself as a person.  Never.  Not for one minute.  I've spent my whole life searching and struggling, trying to figure out why I couldn't just be the better, nicer, more giving, happier, just honestly better person inside.  I tried everything I could think of to make myself feel "normal" inside.  But I still was always lacking something inside.  I was still always disappointed and disgusted with the person I really was.

I've tried people, hobbies, activities, research and reading self help books, religion, risky behavior, thrill seeking, positive self talk, making promises to myself that I would just "be better".....but none of that ever helped.  All the self talk and just deciding to be a better person, no matter how I went about it or how dedicated I was, none of it REALLY worked inside.  Inside I was still, me.

People around me have suffered because of my feelings about myself.  I've either treated them too good and spoiled them to reality in ways, or I've taken my disappointment and frustration with myself out on them.  Everyone close to me has paid the price for my inadequacies and unhappiness.  Mister Wonderful, both of my dear sweet Papooses, The Real Deal, my mother when she was alive, friends.......which of course in turn made me hate myself all the more.

I was just so confused and befuddled.  How the fuck does a person live like that for 43 years without figuring out SOME way to fix themselves???  I honestly don't know, but I did it.

You all know the dark times, pain and struggle I have gone through over the last several months, nay years.

There was one point, during the whole Mister Wonderful/The Cunt fiasco where I truly thought I was at the absolute worst of the worst in my life, the deepest abyss imaginable.

I was wrong.

Something happened this past weekend that shook me to the core of my very being, and made any thought of the future literally draw nothing but a blank black wall, no matter how I tried to get around it and force my thoughts through to find a different path.

The hours that passed while my coin was in the air were the most terrifying of my life.  During that time, I truly and without a doubt knew, just KNEW in my heart and soul which side I wanted the coin to land on.  And everything went quiet inside.

I take this particular event as a blessing.   As shocking and painful and unbelievable as it was, it was a blessing.  It was the wake up call that I evidently needed to get my mind right and finally make crystal clear what my priorities are and what I truly want in life.  It was the sharpest blow that could have ever happened, and it was a blessing.

My mind is clear.  My heart is clear and honest.  I am more serene, honestly serene and content inside my skin, than I have ever been in my life.  It's not a phase, I truly am a different person inside.  It is an absolute miracle.

I never thought I would be capable or deserving of feeling this inner peace, this happiness with self and contentment with where I am in life and where I'm going.  I had no idea I was capable.

So this is how it feels to be happy, truly happy, within oneself.

All the unease, pain, insecurity, frustration, confusion, guilt, yearning and self loathing that I've lived with for as long as I can remember is just..............gone.  This earth shattering thing that happened was the slap in the face, the lesson in humility, heart wrenching reality of losing what you just now realized is, without any shred of a doubt, the most important thing that has ever been in your life......this, this wicked painful awful thing, is what I needed, after all, to grow up, for everything to just, balance.

A calm sea.  A soft tongue and gentle heart.  A smiling face.  A content and happy mind at night when I lay my head on the pillow.  A crystal clear vision of what I really want out of the future.  The absolute undeniable knowledge of what I want more than anything in the world, what is most important to me.  Patience and empathy for everyone around me.  Patience and love for myself.  These are the things that the horrible thing brought to me.  So it was a blessing.

I am no longer The Angry Squaw.  That person has finally given in to the better person that has always been inside of me.  The one that I just had no clue how to bring out on my own, so I trod hard on life, fighting everything every step of the way, not knowing what I wanted or how to get it.

Anyhow, all this rambling is just a fuzzy attempt at explaining the things that have come out of my dark place, my dark places and times.

I am happy.  I like me.  And that, my friends, is all that matters to me anymore.

Have a wonderful weekend all.

Thanks for reading my words all these months.