Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Hatred and Being Focussed

I am a strong woman.  So people tell me.  I've never understood why everyone thinks that.  I don't think I am.  When anyone says that, I feel like some kind of fraud, wondering, what kind of lies am I telling without knowing it, that people think I am strong or smart???

 Everyone says I am strong.  Why???

I used to be able to do any damn thing I want to do.  Physically.  Now, maybe I am getting a little older.  Scares me that maybe I don't have as much time to have the life I have dreamt of for so long.

But I will tell you right now, the feel of a huge strong hand around my throat makes me completely homicidal.  After I get past the humiliation.  F*ck.  God it makes me so pissed off and ashamed and pissed off and crazy and just ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Follow me in the master bath...ask for something I WON'T do..toss me around and grab my throat, thinking it will turn me on?????  I could spit nails.  I could lose my lunch.  YOU ARE NOT ANYONE I WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH AT ALL, MUCH LESS DO ANY OF THAT!!!

please leave me alone.

Walking around the house, finish cooking dinner, still feeling those fingers around my throat.  I can feel them still. Every time I swallow I feel them still.  Deep.  Sucks but hey, it's over now.

LabPup has a name.  His name is Milo.

He lost his mind when this happened.  He got me out of that particular situation by losing his mind. He did not like me being upset and uncomfortable.   He lost his mind.  It was one of the most amazing things I've ever seen.  Good dog, Milo.   You are a good dog and I love you.  Nice work.

Who would have thought a baby puppy of 10 months would have that in him???   And he is so calm and sweet normally .  He loves his momma  :)

It's only temporary and I've got backup.  I can't tell the Real Deal, or he would kill him.  That would totally screw up all of our plans for the future.

Instead, I work so hard to make a life for myself.  I stay away from home alot and work.  It's all good.  This makes me focus like nothing else ever could.

I am pissed off and hate that feeling of my damn throat having fingerprints when I swallow.

This is my journal.  I can write what I want to.

My dog kicks ass.

I am pissed off and I don't even know how else to articulate what I am feeling.

I have to go feed Papoose #2 now.

Thank you for letting me vent.

I trust that this will be kept amongst the few people I know read this, and that's it.  Thank you.


  1. I can't "hate" him, because he gave you the two girls who light up your life. I do, however, resent him IMMENSELY. Given the chance, I'd be there, right next to Milo, with a bark as large as my bite as well. Reading that made the hair on the back of my next stand up.....

    ...and I understand. He canNOT take away your You though....and he's merely making it stronger.

    Perennials are the wimpiest looking plants in their first season. They're the stragglers of the garden. BUT, after they weather a winter...appear dead, nothing but sticks and spindle, their second season comes and THEY THRIVE. From thereon, they're the stalwart dependables of the garden. The centerpieces that you can rely upon. =)

    Hang in there.xo

  2. God I wish I could hug you right now....

    I've been there.... totally sucks. Someday maybe I will tell the full stories....

    Make your plans, take care of you... and get out as soon as you can - and are ready

  3. I don't know you or your reasons for staying but it sounds as if you are in danger. Please don't stay there long--