Self Loathing

I hate feeling out of control in any way.

I hate it when I get so mad about something that sh*tty things come out of my mouth (or off of my fingertips, if I am typing it in some fashion).  It's like I KNOW I'm being a b*tch or saying mean things, but I just can't make myself stop, no matter what  I do.  I hate that.

I may have fired off a hurt and/or pissed off message to Papoose #1.  The feelings behind the message were all true, my feelings were hurt by her ditching me last minute this weekend and leaving without even saying goodbye, after spending the day with Mister Wonderful and bitching to him, of all people, about the fact that I have actually had the nerve to ask her to pay back some money she borrowed from me.....

And the fact that it does sometimes seem like I only hear from her when she needs something, those are my true feelings on that as well.

But I think maybe I let my emotions get the best of me when I sent that message, and although everything I said in the message was true, I still was sorta pissy and b*tchy in how I said it.

So now I feel bad.

I feel bad that my kids have had to deal with my mood swings throughout their lives, all because I put myself in a situation I was not happy in.

I've tried really hard to be a good mother, but I've also been a moody nightmare too, I am sure.

I'm having a bad day.

I seriously need therapy.