Thursday, January 5, 2012

Shadows of Me

I woke up this morning to The Real Deal touching my hair and telling me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me, and that he is going to make sure that I am safe and happy and ok for the rest of my life.  Then he went and made me coffee.

I also woke up to sunlight.  This is not a good thing.  Yes, I was late to work.  Only 30 minutes though, and it was SO WORTH IT.

I have forgotten to turn my alarm on three times in the last few months.  Before this, I had only ever overslept like twice in my entire life.  Gotta get my A game back.

Man, it felt so good under those covers this morning.

I have never felt this light in my chest, never in my whole entire life.  It's like there is sunshine inside of me trying to pour out.  Fucking awesome!

Jar, your comment made me choke on my coffee this morning.  You are one funny fucker.

TRD, Bestie and I moved a bunch of my stuff to my new place last night.  Once we got past the initial walking around the house with our hands on our hips wondering where to start, we were an awesome moving team.

I had already decided that I was going to take as little from the house as possible.  I didn't want to disrupt Mister Wonderfuls world or life any more than I already had.  I wanted my cooking stuff, my keepsakes, the decorations that I've bought here and there over the years.  Well, even though I didn't touch anything that belonged to MW, or anything that he holds dear, and even though I left the things that I know he uses or needs, like the pizza pans and coffee maker etc, the house still looked like it had been raped.  It was incredibly sad, that I could make that place look so pillaged, even though I was trying so fucking hard to be fair and kind and good and leave everything I could there for him, taking only the most bare essentials with me.

I was in tears all night, feeling guilty and wretched over how it would make MW feel to walk in and see the empty spots my leaving had caused in our home.  There was a lot more of me in that house than any of us realized, I suppose.  It was a sobering and, I must admit, reaffirming feeling all at once.

I knew the moment MW got home, because I got three text messages in a row.  They read:

1.   You forgot the coffee maker
2.   And two spoons in Papoose #2's room
3.   And your pocket rocket

Yeah, he was livid with me.  He acted like I took everything when, in reality, I didn't touch any of the things that he has shown to be important to him all these years.

I guess I contributed more to his life than he realized all this time.  I guess that is becoming clear.  I guess he should have thought of that and behaved accordingly a long time ago.

I know he will vilify me, no matter how hard I try to be good and fair.  I know he will need to.  Because I think he will really be angry at himself, now that he is beginning to realize that maybe he really had something good.  Something worth holding on to.

But the time for that has passed.

I'm letting the sunshine in.


  1. it's never easy... even when it's something that you want and need... still never easy...

    i hope you don't spend too much time with the guilt thing... i know it's going to be there but i hope it doesn't dwell...

    you have given more than 100% to that man for far too long...

    sunshine radiating from the inside out is your affirmation that you are doing the right thing :)

    feels good doesn't it? ahhhhhh

  2. POCKET ROCKET???????

    How dare you. Or do tell. Either way, I cant wait to hear it!

  3. I have that effect on most people. *gag*