Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Swimming Towards The Light

Some of you people out there need to know that your concern about me, a virtual stranger, is the biggest part of what got me through the dark days where I lost my voice, nay, my mind.  I scared myself, that I was capable of such deep emotion and pain.  I've never thought I was capable of that kind of feeling.

Some of  you people out there forced me to communicate, forced me to cut up, forced me to keep the last thread of a tenuous hold on a life I wasn't sure I could do battle with anymore.  I don't even remember answering some of the emails or texts, but answer I did.  So by forcing me to be polite, to do the right thing, to just SAY something, some of you people saved me.

Papoose #1 came to my little house and stood over me crying.  Inside I knew I needed to say something, to make her feel better, but I literally could not make anything come out.  I was trapped inside a body that was beat down and used up, trapped behind all of the hurt and pain that my tongue could not navigate around.  She stood there over me crying and telling me it would get better and she was so sorry I was hurting so badly.  But I was numb and terrified at the same time, and I could not reassure her.  It was my darkest time.

The Real Deal came to sit by my chair, his arms reaching out across the void I held strong to.  The wall that the hurt and betrayal was quick mason to, keeping his words from reaching my ears.  I was blind.  I was deaf.  I was utterly alone in my great shock and depression, paralyzed by it.  It was the most frightening thing I've ever felt.

But then, instead of being still and waiting for some kind of end to come, I started to feel something flutter and move.  I was starting to tread water again.  That was when I knew everything was going to be ok.  That one way or another, I was going to be ok.

That was when my brain reengaged and I was able to function again.

Some of you people out there really rock.

Some of you people suck and I hate you, but man, some of you people are good eggs.

Thank you.


  1. Keep on fighting Angry Squaw. Women don't survive on this planet by being nice all the time. If you think of all the strong women you know, they thrive because they know who they are inside and what they want. They aren't afraid to demand respect.

  2. Beautifully written....only I wish you hadn't had to experience it. There are some truly awful people out there....but then again, there's a bevy of terrific people! I know it's painful and you're mourning, but I suggest thinking of things this way: You gave true efforts in some relationships, only to discover that the person on the other end was a fraud. The crime is on them. Look forward to the TRUE relationships in your life & thrive!! =)

  3. I'm glad you made it through your darkest hour and are back on the road to a better part of your life. It's strange how I don't really know you, yet through reading your blog I feel like I've known you for years. Keep your chin up and smile. I've been through a VERY similar situation (at least based on what I know from what you write), and even having gone through that absolute hell, I'm glad I did because it led me to where I am - I've never been happier. Best wishes, and keep up the writing!

  4. When it becomes more than we can handle, more than we can process, our minds shut down - I know that. It happened to me. It was visiting death. Imobile. My brain shut down, too many years, a lifetime,v of everything you also lived with - trying to be good for everyone only to be betrayed over and over again, in the smallest of ways and in the most profound of ways - every day, so many tiny moments just fly over our heads and go into that file labeled denial.

    Our sanity can just take so much and then it stops, goes on pause and under the surface of our mind everything shatters and then begin to repair themselves, so much healing takes place, patterns that have created our ability to live with all of the emotional and verbal abuse we have taken all of our lives break down - and we begin to really, really heal. And bit by bit, step by step our lives change for the better. New doors of perception make us see things so differently and so we behave differently. And things get better. God bless, Goddess bless. Women. We bless each other.

    We live through it and at some point we realize that we saved our own lives.