Monday, January 30, 2012

What The Fuck Is Wrong With ME??????????????????

I'm so angry at myself for not being able to turn a cold shoulder/heart to the mess that The Cunt created for my family and I.  No matter what we did or did not have going on before she came in and stirred the shit trying to take over my life, family and home, the shit storm she left behind has left everyone broken and battered.

I fucking hate that I don't get to live in my house anymore.  That breaks my heart and infuriates me all at once.  I worked my ASS off for that house.  Plus, I'm stuck paying that fucking money back to my boss for a fucking house I don't even get to live in anymore.  Makes me want to throw up, it's so upsetting.

If MW would have given me half the sweetness and consideration he gave The Cunt, we never would have ended up the fucked up way we did.  If he would have even attempted to build the life he started building with her, and with the house and all like he is doing now, we would have been in a totally different place in life together right now.  Makes me want to stand on the roof and scream till I run out of voice.

I want to live in my pretty little house on my pretty little acres, and be ten minutes away from the farm to practice with all my pretty little horses and just have my fucking life back.

Mister Wonderful treating me like I'm such an awful person and like I hurt him so badly makes me bawl. I've cried all day so far.  The man started putting his dick in unauthorized pussy YEARS ago, and yet I'm the one with no integrity?  He never wanted to give me romance or affection half the time even common courtesy, and yet that Cunt comes in and he's all Valentino for the fucking bitch?? She never did anything for him.  She didn't love him for 20 years and try her best to make him happy.  She didn't give him two beautiful daughters that anyone in their right mind would be out of this world proud of.  She didn't devote every waking breath to trying to be the best mother and wife she could possibly figure out how to be, trying to make them all happy.  But SHE gets the best of him??  Just like the women at his office get the best of him?  Like people that have never given a shit in the wind about him get from him???  Wtf is wrong with me, that I never deserved that kind of love and consideration and gentleness?????

And now I am the one with no house and no family and no insurance and no anything that I worked just as hard as he did for all of these years.  It's like my whole fucking life blew away in the wind, and I'm left with nothing but myself.

I miss the mother fucker.  I miss the friendship we had.  I miss my family being together.

Every day he acts differently.  Every time I think we are going to get through this as friends and stop letting anyone get any more hurt than they've already suffered through, something changes with him.

I mean come on, can't we just say we both fucked up our marriage and nobody is any more or less to blame for it, and go on with this next stage of our lives???  Can't we???

Why do I have to be turned into the horrible person?? I'm the one that lost my whole life over all this bullshit.  He still has the house and our daughter and all the comforts of the home we built together, and he doesn't seem to realize how lucky he is for that or how fucking HARD and heart breaking it is to be the one left out in the cold, with the best things in their life stolen away from them.

I wish I could make myself have a hateful and cold heart.  It must be SO much easier to be that way.

But I can't.

So I hurt.


  1. I wish I could take away your pain....:( Work through it though, and it WILL lessen. One day at a time....

  2. Squaw,
    I feel your pain,I have walked in your shoes. REALLY....21 years of busting my ass,2 daughters,and I was the one that finally left. In my case there was no friendship left,and I still find it hard to be civil.I could have have turned summersaults naked in the frontyard and I still would have been the bad guy. I beat myself up,wondering what I could have done different,to make things work...and WTF was wrong with me???? Please don't beat yourself up anymore...I did that for 4 years,thinking I was an awful person. And you know what????? I am ok now. I finally turned it over to God,and said,YOU show me,and I will follow.
    Three months later a wonderful man entered my world totally unexpected. And he earned my trust and love. He treats me like a queen,and even puts up with my crappy moods,and all the baggage I bring from the past. I ended up loosing one of my daughters to my ex,because he is her drinking buddy,not a parent with rules. The other daughter,is going to nursing school,and is one of my best friends. The man that entered my life,is now my husband(which I said I would never do again,if I could get out of the last marriage) we will be married 2 years in Aug and together 3yrs. So, there is hope..please don't think there isn't!!! I have been reading your blog,since you started writing and you are one of those I would love to meet in person.
    I know I have rambled on...but I just wanted to reach out and let you know...THERE ISN'T A DAMN THING WRONG WITH YOU!!!! You tried to help someone that you thought was a friend,and THEY are wrong. I have had a hard time realizing there are bad people in this world,and I still believe there are good people out there too. Hold your head high..YOU did the RIGHT thing,not everyone is like you,or has a good heart. I hope you keep this in mind...YOU are a GOOD person..FUCK them,they deserve each other!!!!

  3. Separation and divorce is a terrible thing and takes years to get through emotionally. Is there a divorce recovery group in your area? At any rate, keep writing. It helped me a lot.

  4. Birdie is right. this is the hardest thing you have ever gone through in your life. the only way to get through all this pain is to go through it. I agree with Birdie about a group. Maybe your therapist can help you to find a women's group. It will be a tremendous support.

  5. Birdie is so right. this must be the hardest thing you've ever gone through. go through. get through, be through. the only way to get through this awful pain is to go through it. Maybe your therapist can help you find a group of women to join. it will be a tremendous, validating support for you.

  6. For what it's worth, I get it, and I'm sorry you're hurting.

  7. oh my dear sweet friend.... i am so sorry that you are hurting so badly.. the reason you don't have a hateful and cold heart is because you are a good person... no matter what you will always be a good person...

    that last line in the comment by anony up there is perfect... THEY DESERVE ONE ANOTHER... you are the one that will come out the winner in this situation... i promise...

    time... time.... give it time... go through the motions of life for a bit and one day you'll notice that it's getting a bit easier... find comfort in your kids, in your friends, in those who truly love you...

    we are here... you know that... come see me! take a break from reality... really... don't over think it... make a plan and do it! xoxo

  8. p.s. go check out this blog... it might help... she's great!