I'm so angry at myself for not being able to turn a cold shoulder/heart to the mess that The Cunt created for my family and I. No matter what we did or did not have going on before she came in and stirred the shit trying to take over my life, family and home, the shit storm she left behind has left everyone broken and battered.
I fucking hate that I don't get to live in my house anymore. That breaks my heart and infuriates me all at once. I worked my ASS off for that house. Plus, I'm stuck paying that fucking money back to my boss for a fucking house I don't even get to live in anymore. Makes me want to throw up, it's so upsetting.
If MW would have given me half the sweetness and consideration he gave The Cunt, we never would have ended up the fucked up way we did. If he would have even attempted to build the life he started building with her, and with the house and all like he is doing now, we would have been in a totally different place in life together right now. Makes me want to stand on the roof and scream till I run out of voice.
I want to live in my pretty little house on my pretty little acres, and be ten minutes away from the farm to practice with all my pretty little horses and just have my fucking life back.
Mister Wonderful treating me like I'm such an awful person and like I hurt him so badly makes me bawl. I've cried all day so far. The man started putting his dick in unauthorized pussy YEARS ago, and yet I'm the one with no integrity? He never wanted to give me romance or affection half the time even common courtesy, and yet that Cunt comes in and he's all Valentino for the fucking bitch?? She never did anything for him. She didn't love him for 20 years and try her best to make him happy. She didn't give him two beautiful daughters that anyone in their right mind would be out of this world proud of. She didn't devote every waking breath to trying to be the best mother and wife she could possibly figure out how to be, trying to make them all happy. But SHE gets the best of him?? Just like the women at his office get the best of him? Like people that have never given a shit in the wind about him get from him??? Wtf is wrong with me, that I never deserved that kind of love and consideration and gentleness?????
And now I am the one with no house and no family and no insurance and no anything that I worked just as hard as he did for all of these years. It's like my whole fucking life blew away in the wind, and I'm left with nothing but myself.
I miss the mother fucker. I miss the friendship we had. I miss my family being together.
Every day he acts differently. Every time I think we are going to get through this as friends and stop letting anyone get any more hurt than they've already suffered through, something changes with him.
I mean come on, can't we just say we both fucked up our marriage and nobody is any more or less to blame for it, and go on with this next stage of our lives??? Can't we???
Why do I have to be turned into the horrible person?? I'm the one that lost my whole life over all this bullshit. He still has the house and our daughter and all the comforts of the home we built together, and he doesn't seem to realize how lucky he is for that or how fucking HARD and heart breaking it is to be the one left out in the cold, with the best things in their life stolen away from them.
I wish I could make myself have a hateful and cold heart. It must be SO much easier to be that way.
But I can't.
So I hurt.