Thursday, July 21, 2011

Dark Moods

Melancholy today.  I hate that stress and worry can nestle down so deep inside of you that you can feel down even when you don't feel down.  I know, I don't make any sense.  I know, I need therapy.

Speaking of therapy.  One of my best friends since childhood has dropped out of sight for a month now or more.  We are usually in contact every day. She was doing so well, for over a year she was really doing well.  Bi-polar disorder is a wretched hateful frustrating scary unpredictable and unwanted house guest.  I feel sick inside that I cannot do anything to help her.  Her whole life has been stolen from her.  Add to that a family that could give a shit about her wellbeing, and you have a recipe for disaster.  She has one aunt on her dads side that loves her and worries after her like I do, and she sends me email updates every so often.  Last night I got one forwarded where she had contacted my friends mother with concern about my friend, saying that when she spoke to her shortly on the phone, my friend sounded like she may hurt herself, but was not lucid enough for her aunt to really fully understand.  The aunt said she strongly feels that my friend should be in a hospital.  My friends mother replied with "we are in contact with Dr. X, and we agree that she is better off here at home".  Somehow I don't think so.  They wouldn't do anything to help her the last time this happened, last year around Easter time.  It was not pretty.  I don't know.  There is nothing I can do to help her.  If there is, I don't know what it might be.  I feel like I'm letting her down every day.

The 80's were a great time to be a teenager.  Silly and fun and just all around great.  I am lucky to have been a part of it.  I am also thankful I didn't get TOO into the fads of the day.  I only have a few pictures that make the Papooses laugh till they cry and ask "what were you THINKING".  Then again, much of that stuff is coming back around lately.  Everything always comes back around, no?

One of the girls in the office here rolled into work in a brand new car yesterday.  She gets a new one every couple of years.  I think it's fun to watch her get new toys, she gets something totally and completely different every time.  Different make, model, van, truck, car, color.  I've never had a brand new car before.  But I'm pretty happy with the jalopy, just can't wait for the next few months to hurry up so I will be in a position to fix it all up nice nice nice and won't have to feel like a jerk for not really doing the things to it that I need to.  Right now it looks like some kind of science experiment, it hasn't been washed in such a long time.  All kinds of crap thrown around inside too.  Definitely time to get to cleaning on it today after work.  Eegads.

Deuce is coming along great.  I'm really pleased with how he's bonding to me through all the training.  Makes my heart happy.

Had to spend another 70.00 on meds for the kittens, because the vet only gave me enough for ONE kitten twice a day for seven days, not TWO kittens twice a day for seven days.  I told the gal at the reception desk that when I bring them in for their shots, I will allow them to give me a discount in the amount of one of the bottles of meds, since it was their screw up that has dragged this out for so long.  They are pretty cool in there, I'm sure we can work something out.  Otherwise I'll bitch till I wear them down.  Either way, it's all good  :-)

My heart aches for any of my friends that are going through tough times.  So many people have serious serious issues/problems/things they have no choice but to deal with and live through every day.  I would never be a strong enough person to make it through half of what some people deal with.  I am humbled daily by these warriors.

Calling the mortgage company today.  Super nervous.

No matter what he's done or how he's treated me, I just don't know if I can make myself do what would have to be done and break Mister Wonderfuls heart when the time comes.  That is weighing heavier and heavier on my heart as time goes by.  I'm a horrible person, but I don't know if I'm capable of being consciously horrible.  I can't picture myself saying the words that will steal his whole life out from under him.  I don't want to hurt him, no matter how many times he's not cared about hurting me.  He has been so decent lately.  Why couldn't he be this way even a few years ago???

I feel things writhing inside of me.  I think it's my blackened soul.  I despise myself sometimes.

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