Thursday, May 5, 2011

A Sharp Little Pill

I've got a case of the slows today.

Couple of reasons for that, I guess.  One reason may or may not be that I am battling a round with depression that is flat kicking my ass.  I've dealt with it without meds, for the most part, my entire life.  I'm afraid of medication of any kind, after watching my mother kill herself slowly with the cocktails she fed herself.  A couple of times I let the doctors put me on medication in the past.  The first one they put me on, Prozac, made my heart feel like it was jumping out of my throat and scared me to death, so I was only on it a couple of months and said F that!  The second one was Paxil I think, and that one screwed up my sex life in the worst way, and that was back when MW and I actually still had a smokin sex life, if nothing else.  So that one was nixed in a heartbeat.  Many years later my doctor wanted me on something after my mother died.  He was concerned about me, with me being the only child and having no support or help from any of her family through the whole ordeal.  He put me on Elavil and I was only on that for a month because it made it so I couldn't pee.  You cannot take a woman who has had two kids and make it so she can't pee.  That is NOT the way to improve her sunny outlook on life.

So here we are, present day.  I've fought for, and saved, my house.  I've dealt with a rough and sometimes hostile marriage, separation, living together again for financial reasons etc.  I have all the normal issues and challenges that everyone else in the world has.  I'm not special, I realize I'm no worse off than anyone else, and actually better off and more blessed than so many others.  BUT.  I have been living under so much pressure and stress for so long, that handling my depression on my own is just not an option anymore.  Not for awhile anyway.  I need a little help.  So I went to the doc Tuesday and talked all of this out with him.  I just took my first dose of my new happy pills about half an hour ago.  He said we should see some difference in about a week.  So we shall see.

I cannot drink any alcohol whatsoever while on this medication.  No gray area there.  None.  Zilch.  Nada.  So that right there is an added benefit, the incentive to be good on that front as well.

Which leads me to the second reason I've got a case of the slows this morning.

Whew.  Had a couple of frosty adult beverages last night, sitting on the front porch talking to Mister Wonderful about everything.  And I do mean everything.  The house.  Money.  My depression and how hard it's been for me to manage it on my own and still be super wife and wonder mom all these years.  The fact that I'm tired.  I'm just plumb worn out.  Exhausted.  We talked about his infidelity,  and mine.  We talked about all the times I needed a partner, a husband, and he turned his back on me.  We talked about the fact that I gave him everything I had to give, and then some, all these years, and the fact that he really never did appreciate all that I did, all that I gave.  He realized how my life has been, as opposed to the life HE has lived through it all.  It was a good talk, once we got past the initial fit he threw, when he asked me why I didn't just kill myself already and get it over with.  I explained to him that not everyone that has a chemical imbalance or is depressed is necessarily suicidal.  Once he saw that his little hissy fit wasn't going to get him out of dealing with some issues that I had decided it was time we dealt with, he settled down with a look on his face like a petulant child and listened.  He actually listened.

This morning he sent me a text apologizing for being the asshole he's been all these years, and said I've always deserved better.  In the end, I think we both came out of the discussion ok.  No promises of trying it again or fresh starts.  I did mention The Real Deal in our conversation.  I let him know that I won't be bullied by him anymore, nor will I be the doting slave I've been to him all our years together.  He let me know that he is sorry, and that he always knew what a selfish spoiled jerk he was, and that it was wrong, but that he honestly thought it would always just go on that way anyhow.  I let him know that he thought wrong.

So, it's a new day.  Everything is going to be ok, one way or another.  It will all end up how it's meant to end up.  In the meantime, I'm going to keep myself busy loving  my Papooses and working my jobs and taking time to look around me at all the beauty and miracles we are surrounded with.

Have to work now.  Have a good day, all.

1 comment:

  1. i'm praying for you.... my friend... my dear sweet friend.... kkkkkkit's going to work out... you are right....
    and you will be happy again and you deserve all the love and tenderness that is coming your way

    (see all those k's up there? fuckin MS makes my fingers stutter hahaha)