Friday, February 17, 2012

Hi, My Name Is Squaw, And..............................

Bosses just took me out to lunch.  We all had a really nice visit and some great laughs.  I really enjoyed it!! They wouldn't let me pay for my lunch, which was kinda cool too.

Funny quote:  "Ex husbands are like weekly trash...u put it to the curb and there is always some down & out desperate person that scoops it up"  *snicker*

I have started attending a local AA meeting near my new home.  There are many reasons for this, the beer I've been drinking as I navigate this mess of a life being only one of them.  Considering the one thing they DON'T talk about in there is drinking, I've been learning so many different ways of dealing with things in life, and learning a new way of thinking about things that come at me that I have no power over.   It is incredible the coping skills I am learning there.  It is a small group, and they've all been very welcoming and helpful to me.

I have to admit, I nearly had a panic attack the very first meeting I attended.  I had never been to that neighborhood, to that building (my gps took me to the MIDDLE of a Y in two roads, seriously), or to a meeting of any kind like that, so I was petrified of the unknown thing I was walking into, alone.  Then, the second I walk in, I'm bombarded with people that wanted to make me feel welcome, and all they accomplished was to fully engage the "flight" part of the fight or flight instinct.  I'm grateful I had the presence of mind to let the "flight" take me to the potty where I could regain my sense of balance, and walk back out, find a seat, and wait for the meeting to begin.

They are a close knit, small group who have been together for YEARS.  I'm the only newbie there.  So far, I've chosen not to speak, except to take my turn reading an article or whatever else they are studying.  Idk if I will ever want to speak in there.  Right now, I'm just absorbing everything that is going on around me. And thats ok.

I know that I have many things to work on inside of me.  I know that I have many changes and difficulties I will need to get through before this marriage and life change is fully behind me.  I need the direction and purpose of learning something new.  Also, obviously I've not been a very good steward of my own life and behaviors, so I just decided that there HAD to be something out there that might at least distract me from my problems and give me a start at how to change my thinking and begin to learn how to be ok in my own head, in my own skin.

No, I do not have a regular therapist.  I have been ordered, in no uncertain terms, that I am NOT welcome to use "his" insurance for ANYTHING, by Mister Wonderful.  So this has turned out to be a fabulous substitute so far.

In a month or so, I am adding my bootcamp workouts to my new routine.  This will be a good thing as well. Get myself back to the me that feels good, inside and out.

I have important things to do.  I have much to learn, so that I can learn to like myself as a stepping stone to learning to love myself, so that I may NEVER fall into the trap of hating myself so much that I allow myself to be treated with anything other than respect and love ever again.

I've had my fill of the alternative, thankyouverymuch.

So there it is.

Peace, everyone.

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