Collateral Damage

First off, the scarlet letter posting yesterday was not in answer to anything Mister Wonderful has said or done.  It was in reference to the response I have had to my rather peculiar living arrangements/lifestyle for the moment.  MW has actually been rather un jerk like lately.  He has his own thing going on, so that keeps him pretty occupied.

I find it strange that, after an entire life of living merely to please others and always trying to do the right thing, no matter the cost to my own happiness or well being, now I am just throwing my life out there, not caring what anyone else thinks.  I was 39 years old before I finally said ENOUGH and started living my life for me.  Stopped taking the abuse and mistreatment and started doing what made ME happy.  Before that, every breath I ever took was geared around making everyone else happy.

I still haven't gotten it all right, but I am working on it.

Money is a shitty thing when you don't have it.

Come onnnnnnnnnnnn Job #2.

No matter how big of a dick he is, I can't stand to live like this with MW much longer.  Even though he has his own plans and agenda, I can't stand to do this anymore.  He is my friend, and I can't do this anymore.  It's wrong on so many levels.

I don't even pray anymore, because I really don't feel like I've got any right to ask for help on anything or forgiveness for anything, when I'm living the way I am.  I am at the end of my rope, truly.

I want to do all the right things so badly.  But I don't want to mess up Papoose #2's life for my own selfishness either.  I know MW would rather live like we are now, and keep the comfort of our home and keep things ok for Papoose #2 until she graduates, but I am not handling it as well as he is.  Especially since the house is on shaky ground now, financially.  I was doing ok when the house was secure, now, not so much.

All of the other people that are entwined in this, I hate it.   Everyone involved, from the Papooses to our friends, all want The Real Deal and I together.  Everyone knows it is the best thing, the right thing.  The girls tell me all the time, that they miss the peace and serenity that was our life when TRD and I were together full time.  

MW and I have never been in love.  That's not what this whole thing was based off of.  But on the other hand, even if the financial aspect of it wasn't involved, he's been part of my life for so long, I don't know how to let go either.  I am a train wreck.  I am a horrible person.  I wish I could have kept MW as my friend, so that I wouldn't have to give him up or hurt him in order to have true love and happiness in my life.  I wish I could somehow just feel that for MW.  I wish for things that cannot happen.

And, in the end, I did this.  I created this mess.  All me.  The guilt I feel over the chaos and ups and downs I've caused in the lives around me feels like it's pressing my heart out of my chest.  I couldn't even manage to find happiness the right way.  I even manage to fuck that up.  Man, I piss me off.

I just want everything to be ok.  I just don't know how to make it that way.

I need therapy.