Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Shooting A Man In The Ass Is Very Different Than Shooting A Horse In The Ass

Mister Wonderful has gone for some much needed physicals over the past couple of months and was put on some heavy duty testosterone replacement meds.  Who would have thought that extremely low drops in testosterone could affect so many of the body's functions, plus of course sex drive and mood swings??

Anyhow, the original way the doc tried to give him the meds was with a cream, but he had to take so much of it that it just wasn't feasible to smear that bad smelling sticky crap all over himself everyday.  So the doc opted for injectable this time.  More bang for your buck, so to speak.  Then, out of some crazy mix up in communication, the pharmacy turns me loose with a bottle of testosterone and a bunch of needles.  Really?  Just like that??  No class or disclaimer to sign?? Seriously people????

So, I figure what the heck, I've been giving shots to dogs, cats and horses for years, how tough can it be?  The testosterone has to be an intramuscular injection, so that means that I can't give him the shot like you would inject a dog or a cat, that's done just under the, the intramuscular injections I've given have been to horses, so there ya go, problem solved.  Lie still, trust me, I know what I'm doing here.  *insert evil laughter*

I figured I'd get him liquored up so he would be more relaxed, but the instructions specifically state that you are to give the injection once a month, in the morning.  Now, why it has to be in the morning, when it's only a once a month injection, I couldn't begin to tell you, but hey, you know me, I'm a rule follower (sarcasm font) so morning it is!!!   Sunday morning I'm sitting at the table putting my makeup on in the makeup mirror, getting ready for work and the next thing I know theres a full moon next to my face.  Evidently, MW had screwed up his courage (or insanity) and was ready to trust me with a two inch long needle and his derriere.

I told him to lay on the couch so he wouldn't be standing, thereby flexing the muscle and making it hurt more.  I'm expecting the needle to be a tiny little insulin needle, but this was not the case.  It was a heavy gauge, ridiculously fat two inch needle that you could've used for a freaking iv, I kid you not.  So I'm thinking, well, I'll make sure to just put the needle in about half way.  Plans changed on that once I actually stuck him.  First we had to have an argument about exactly WHERE on the tushy the shot was supposed to go.  Anytime I've gotten a shot in the ass, it's been more in the hip area.  He insisted that any shots he's ever had in the ass were literally in the butt cheek ass area.  So I alcohol swabbed the whole area and then stuck him where I wanted.  Because I was the one with the needle, therefore I was the boss.  Well, the whole use half the needle length thing was blown to hell when he clenches his butt muscles and jumped.  That's right.  To the hilt.  All two inches of metal.  Oops.  Then the instructions say to SLOWLY inject the meds so it has time to disburse.  MW ended up lying there saying things along the lines of "Holy F*ck!!!!  What the hell are you doing back there???? Jesus, are you trying to stuff that thing all the way through my body???  Hurry the hell up!!!!  Good lord, you are ENJOYING THIS AREN'T YOU?????"  Wiggling around the whole time.

Bizarre scene, to say the least.

But I'll be damned if it doesn't seem to be working.  The bastard was almost CHIPPER this morning.

Still think it would have been a thousand times more fun after several frosty adult beverages.  But that's just me.

1 comment:

  1. i hate IM shots... of course they are fun giving them to someone who deserves them, if you know what i mean!!

    you must go ck out my blog ... i have given you an STD... yes, you read that correctly... ;)