Tuesday, April 12, 2011

The Forest For The Trees

I've fallen down on the job of blogging lately.  I use this as a venting spot and just a whatever comes out of my leaky mind spot, so really I shouldn't feel bad when I don't have time to write anything, or I just don't have any words in me, but I sorta do feel bad anyway.

Awhile back, we had an issue with a nephew or some other relation of the odd man across the road from us.  The property across the road from us has a single wide that has been built on to, including a second story, if you can believe that, and then a little tiny house in front of the trailer house.  Evidently, the person that used to own the property, married couple, lived in the trailer, and the husband had the little tiny house built up front for his wife to do hair out of.  Kinda like Truvy's Beauty Spot from Steel Magnolias, I like to think.  Anyhow, now an older man lives in the little tiny house, and his middle aged son lives in the trailer thing.  Every so often, we would notice a third guy there, maybe early thirties or so.  The reason he was so noticeable is because he would do bizarre things, like stand in the front yard with one arm raised above his head, pointing at the sky.  He would stand there like that for HOURS.  We would also see him hoofing it up and down our road, and up and down 730 all sorts of odd hours of the day and night.  Well, one day when Papoose #2 got off the bus and was walking up the road to our house, he came out and walked next to her, asking her name, telling her his, chatting her up, scaring the hell out of her.  Then he says "I'm staying over there (points to trailer) you need to come over."  She says no thank you and keeps walking.  Touches her arm and says "Well, I'm always home, so if you get bored or want to have some fun, you totally need to come over".  Needless to say, Papoose #2 was not allowed to ride the bus home anymore.   A few weeks later, he was gone again.  I don't know where he goes, if he just comes to visits and goes back home, or if he's carted off to the funny farm, or what.  All I know is, we had a terrible time deciding how to handle the situation.  In speaking to the police, they felt that he didn't actually threaten her overtly, so they were concerned with any retaliation if we had them go by and talk to him or the other odd yahoos that live there.  So, we just never let Papoose #2 be home alone again.  Then he was gone, so...

Well, on my way out of the house to go pick Papoose #2 up last night when she got back from her away track meet, I see him storming out of their front yard, cussing, screaming, swinging his arms around, acting very aggressive and agitated.  Greaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat, the whacko wingnut is back.  Super duper.  I called Mister Wonderful and told him to get his ass home, because I had to leave the house to get Poose and I didn't want us to come back to God knows what, alone.  Of course, Papoose #2 was visibly shaken when I told her he was back.  When we got back to the house there was no sign of him, but I still walked through the house and checked under beds and in closets, just to be safe.  Ugh.  I hate feeling that way in my own little neighborhood.  That's why we live out here!!!  Trying to avoid at least some of the craziness I was raised in, being brought up in the city.  Dammit.

We are getting closer to our freedom party every day.  Come on come on.

I tried to break up with The Real Deal.  I just get so crazy in my head, with this nutso limbo life I'm living right now.  I have guilt and frustration and all sorts of other issues I'm dealing with, with things the way they are.  I hate it.  And when I get really worked up, I'm such a bitch to TRD and I get mean and nasty, blowing up.  I just didn't want him to have to deal with that anymore.

I feel bad for everyone involved in this whole situation.  I feel bad for Mister Wonderful, as much of a jerk as he is, I know that in the end, once my work with Job #2 picks up steam, I know that I am going to be ok, I am going to be living better, I'll be happy.  I'll have TRD.  And I know that MW is going to end up alone.  He is such a miserable person.  Just never happy.  I know that the chances of him finding any woman that will put up with what he has to offer are slim to none, and that makes me feel so bad for him.  I just don't know why he is so miserable and unhappy and angry all the time.  I know I'm doing the wrong thing, still living in the same house with him until I can afford to cut the sheets.  I'm using him, and it's wrong.  But I still can't seem to put myself out of my "comfort zone" of having my house and everything, and walk away from it all until I can afford to live.  I'm a shitty person.

I feel bad for TRD.  He is a good man.  The best man I've ever known in my life.  He loves me with absolutely everything he's got.  He is so good with me, with how he deals with me when I get crazy.  Sometimes he will say, in his soft deep calm voice "Baby, you can stop being a bitch any time now".  He wants to make a good life for us so badly, so we can finally be together.  And he's doing it, day by day we are getting closer.  But it's a crappy spot I've put him in too, by letting MW come back to the house last year, out of desperation to afford to keep my home.

I feel bad for Papoose #2.  The short time that TRD, the Papooses and I all lived together as a family were the best and happiest family home life the girls have really ever experienced.  I didn't realize this until a few weeks ago when Papoose #2 and I were at Job #2 and MW and his buddy came out there to eat and drink.  Although MW wasn't mean to her in any particular way, he was just, well, himself.  A jerk.  So, after MW and his buddy left, after being there for a few hours, Papoose #2 and I were getting our drinks filled, getting ready to hit the road and drive home, and I look over and she has tears in her eyes.  I ask what's wrong.  She says "Why can't it just be like it was when you and dad were separated??  We were so happy when it was just you, me, sis and TRD.  That was really the happiest and most peaceful time ever in my life. I was so happy.  Our house was so full of love."  I was stunned.  She had never said anything like that before.  I told her that we are doing our best to get it back to that way again.  She says "Yes, but not till after I graduate."  This is why, after telling TRD about this little conversation, he/we have amped up our plans and turned on the afterburners on trying to make this happen.

I'm trying so hard to do all the right things for everyone involved, and, it seems I'm doing a less than stellar job.

Gotta just keep on keepin on.  We are almost there.  Almost there.  Almost there............


  1. For the record: I'm so fucking confused as to your domestic situation.

    Sounds unorthodox at the very least, though.

  2. Yes Jar, to put it mildly!!

    And to think, up until a few years ago I was the perfect, square, soccer mom devoted wife and mother. My family was my entire life. Outside of my job, everything I did was with or for my little family.

    At least I'm still a devoted mother.

  3. You are doing far better than a stellar job!! That fact that you care so much about making it a better life for your children proves just that.

    Your domestic situation, as unorthodox as it may be, is only tempoary. The day will come when you and TRD are together and happy. Your daughter will benefit from it even if it is after graduation. Keep your head up and know you are doing a wonderful job.

  4. Thank you, Chele. You cannot begin to imagine how badly I needed to hear something positive today. Thank you.

  5. oh squaw friend... you are a great person, your pooses are doing well... yes you are going through struggles... yes the situation is less than stoic... but you are taking care of you and your kiddos... life isn't all roses and peaches and sometimes we have to bend the rules a bit in order to get what is in our own best interests... unorthodox? yes and no... not so much anymore... so many people are living the double life, and so many find it normal these days... sad but true...

    quit beating yourself up... that's MW's job... remain strong with your eyes on the goal... you will get there!! Love you!!

  6. Your mention of 730 makes me wonder if we live close to each other except your profile says you're in Wise County and when I lived off of 730 I was in Parker Co.

    Your life sounds complicated but at least you have direction and know where you're heading. Best wishes!