I'm Back

It sure doesn't feel like I had a three day weekend!!!!


What the heck is the deal with this new medicine getting stuck at the base of my throat every single day without fail???  Makes me nauseous and the gross sensation of it being lodged there lasts all day.  What the heck can you do to avoid that happening?  The pill is uncoated and rough, diamond shaped with sharp edges.  I never have problems swallowing pills.  This one is giving me hell every single day.

Hookie day for Papoose #2 and I was so so.  She was good friends with the boy that died this weekend.  She found out about him while we were at work at Job #2 Sunday, and was devastated.  She is not a drama queen kid in any sense of the word, but this truly wrecked her.

I have struggled to be a good mother.  I haven't had anyone to teach me or to use as an example in any way.  I came from a f*cked up home/background.  I've struggled with my crappy and miserable marriage to a miserable man, and I know that my kids paid the price for that for many years in many ways, from dealing with my misery and bad moods and taking that misery out on them many times, to doing without so many things I wish I could have given them because of the constant financial problems we've had.  MW has never been a loving dad, unless he is in the mood at the moment.  Never attentive or involved, just leave me alone is his motto.  All in all, I feel that I have failed my kids in so many ways, from my laziness or misery or whatever, idk.

But one thing I made it a point to instill in my girls, from a very young age before they even started school, was be nice to the underdog.  Before they started school, I taught them to go over and be nice to the new guy, or the person that was alone.  To always invite someone to their lunch table that may be eating alone.  Both of them have been absolutely wonderful about doing just that.  I've always been so proud of them for it.  This boy that passed away this weekend was one of the kids that got picked on and treated shitty at school.  He is one of the ones that Papoose #2 invited to her lunch table, and told her friends to piss off if they didn't like it.  When she heard about him on Sunday, she couldn't even talk when she first came to find me.  I took her outside and got her calmed down enough to tell me what happened, what was wrong.  All she kept saying was "I just don't know how he got treated this past year after he moved away.  I don't know if anyone was nice to him, or listened to him tell his stories.  He has had such a terrible life and now it's over, and he never even got to really live."  She didn't know if anyone let him sit at their lunch table......

So, watching my daughters huge and loving heart go through this is incredibly painful.  I don't know what to do for her, what to say.   Needless to say, there was a quiet sadness overshadowing our day yesterday, her birthday.

I'm going to get back to work now.  Sorry for being a debbie downer, but that's just how I feel today.