To The Woman I Learned The Sonata For

Mom,

I miss you every day.  I know we fought and you thought I was way too hard on you. I just wanted you to get better, thats all.  I know I nit picked and was bitchy to you.  I really didn't know any other way to handle it. I was young.  I had a husband that made me nuts and two kids I had no earthly idea how to raise.  I was doing the best I could.  Everything was a whirlwind for me.  I'm sorry.

I miss us trading books out.  I miss your sense of humor.

I wish you could have seen how these girls turned out.  They are the most incredible thing in the world, both of them.

I'm sorry I didn't come have a picnic with you that last week.  I was selfish, and lazy.  I hate myself for that every single day.  Every time I see someone act irritated with their mother, I wish that I could take back that phone call where you asked me to pick up some food and come see you and have that picnic....

I'm finally not angry with you for all of the things that happened all those years.  Too late, I know.  But still, I understand that you were doing the best you could and that you had your issues.  You did a good job, the best job you could manage, I realize that. I know you loved me with absolutely everything you had.  I know you just couldn't stop, no matter how much you loved me, loved the girls.  I understand.

I sure do wish you were here to see it all.  They are both doing so well, you would be so proud.  I am figuring things out too, so don't worry about me.  I'm making my way. I learned a lot from you. I learned a lot from watching you.  I'm sorry that I was so busy being angry with you that I forgot to love you so many times.

I'm sorry that I resented you for all of the things that happened.  I'm also sorry that they happened, as I am sure you are sorry that they happened.  I am sorry that I wasn't mature enough to move past all of this while you were here.  I'm sorry I didn't come see you more often while you were still where I could come see you.  I'm sorry I wasn't a better daughter.

I'm sorry that the drugs were more powerful to you  than I was, than my daughters were.  I'm sorry that I was too hurt and selfish to try harder to find another way to help you escape from them.

I loved you.  I still love you every day.  I still think "oh, I need to tell mom that" or "I wonder if mom has this book yet"

If I had another chance, just one more day, I swear I would love you better.  I swear I would find a way to save you from yourself and keep you here longer, for us to love, so you could see all of the wonderful things you are missing.  I swear I would fix you.

I still love you every day.  I'm sorry I couldn't save you from yourself.

This was a long, hard day.

My Mother  7/15/47 - 3/04/05